AIBU to be totally confused by contact after (sort of) one night stand?!

[RaRaRa1999]

NC for this as totally embarrassed by this situation TBH! And I've literally just realised putting 1999 in my username totally makes me look like a teenaged troll enjoying the holidays but I promise I'm not!

So DH left me in July which totally knocked my confidence - self esteem is at rock bottom, do not believe anyone will ever be interested again etc etc.

However I was out with a group of friends about 8 weeks ago and bumped into a group of lads. Some of them knew each other vaguely but I didnt. Had a great night with them and that was that. Next day one of them who I fancied tracked me down on Facebook and we started messaging several times a week, really good and funny conversations. He didn't ask me out on a date but wanted to arrange for us all to go out as a group again. So we finally arranged this for the weekend just gone. So we met up as a group and had a great time again until it was just us left. He made the first move and went in for a snog. We got more drunk and ended up back at his and did the deed. No way was I planning this but it just happened naturally. The next morning there was no awkwardness at all, still having a real laugh and great chemistry. He dropped me off home giving me a kiss and said I still looked good (I had said I can't believe he's seeing me make up strewn over face and looking rough). He text later that night to ask how I was feeling etc. we had another good text chat with him saying i really made him laugh and he loved my sense of humour.

Taking the fact that he text first after the event as a good sign, I text first the next day which was Saturday just a quick hi how are you. Got a quick one back which I replied to but that was it. Really wanted to leave it but temptation got the better of me and I text yesterday afternoon just asking if his mates had a good time with us. I've heard nothing! In our 8 weeks of messaging previously it wouldn't have been left that long so I'm pretty gutted to think that's the end of that!

My mind is doing overtime thinking what if he didn't get my text, what if he's text and it hasn't reached me, why did he bother texting me after the night if he wasn't interested?!

So as I never thought I'd be back on the dating circuit and things may well of changed since 10 years ago since I last had to go through all this - AIBU to be shocked that he has ignored me as he really seemed keen or have a missed something obvious?!

Yes titania's oracle! Even tried a moon one from spirit and destiny magazine! I know no bounds in attempting to secure the object of my desires.

He's not interested OP. Sorry. If it turns out he dropped his phone down the toilet or whatever then he'll message you when he's back online. But gut instinct says he's moved on. Do likewise.

Honestly I would approach every shag that's not part of an existing relationship as a one-off event unlikely to be repeated these days. (Primarily that is my preference as I'm bloody fussy.)

Well I tell you what I've learnt some valuable lessons from this whole thing - I'm too sensitive for one off shags so I won't be doing it again!

And thank you wine and Isla for making me laugh at least!

HiRaRaRa1999

Sorry for the late reply. It’s working out very well with the girl I met.

As for the question “Do I think he’s interested?” If you can eliminate the cock up factor then I suspect you’ll find he’s probably not. When I separated, just about every male friend I had encouraged me to sleep around. I’m not that way inclined but I have watched others do just that.

Sorry OP but it does sound like HJNTIY. But don't worry - join a dating site or Tindr, go on lots of dates and, most importantly, have fun!

Personally, I wouldn't play any games and just be straight. I'd message saying "I hope I read this right, but we seemed to get on really well. Would be interested in exploring more, let me know if you feel the same."

Then I would hopefully know one way or the other. It's not stalkerish to ask someone if they are as interested in you as you are in them. Yes it's probably not fun finding out they aren't if that is the case, but at least when you know for sure you don't second guess or find yourself playing some "I'll only text if he does it first" sort of game that has unclear "rules" on who should do what and just leads to possible miscommunication.

I guess I am just a bit impatient, I want to know whether I am wasting my time or not, I am quite happy to just date or "have fun", I don't necessarily want them to commit to anything, just to know if we're going forwards or if we are completely incompatible and should call it a day.

I'm sorry but it sounds like he just wanted to have sex with you and didn't care about your inner qualities or how you might feel about the situation.

Unfortunately, many men are like this.

A similar thing happens regularly to a friend of mine. She is on a dating site because she is lonely and wants someone to share her life with. However most of the responses she receives are in the form of pictures of erect penises. Occasionally, she will meet up with someone who seems ok; but more often than not he will have sex with her once and then cut off all contact.

'Why does it keep happening?' she asks.

I don't have a good answer.

The big red flag at the beginning of this message is that he didn't asked you out on a proper date - he wanted it to be in a group. I think that's pathetic. A decent guy would at least have asked you out by yourself.

I have come to the conclusion that if you want a relationship with someone, the best thing is not to sleep with them until you've been able to figure out whether they actually want the same thing. If he's a user and doesn't get sex quickly, he will disappear and without you first getting bonded to him with oxytocin.

Don't text him. Read some of the dating books other there written by men - especially the self published stuff. See what is going through their mind. It's quite enlightening (and frightening and disturbing) and will help you emotionally detach. Read a lot to see common themes.

Islanegra and wineisfine, i belong in your gang. I've lost count of the number of times i've humiliated myself with the drunk texting. It was a drunk email this weekend. That feeling when you wake up in the morning and you get a few seconds of bliss before you remember and check your outbox and want to bury yourself under the pillows and never come out.

Do not text! The chances of a text ... this text.... getting lost are pretty remote. It might be delayed but not lost, it's just too much of a coincidence. If he wanted to text he would. I know you ask, why did he text afterwards then - well, he's probably not all bad and that text was his way of squaring it in his head and moving on. (He can say to himself he didn't ignore after doing the deed...)

I think you would only make yourself feel worse if you text him again. What if he doesn't reply a 3rd time, how will you feel then? Let him contact you if he's interested.

Do.Not.Text.Again.

If there's a genuine reason he's missed your text but he's interested in seeing you again, you'll hear from him. If you text a third time you will look needy and desperate, you'll regret it I promise!