Realising I'm not OK

[yougotafriend]

I left my EA marriage in November. 2 late teenage DS stayed in the family home with their DF, I rent close by and I see them a lot.

I live in a lovely house, I have lots of friends, I go out socialising every week, I work and I can afford my new lifestyle - all is well in my world!!!

But it isn't - emotionally I am completely closed off - even my friends I have known for years have commented on it - and I don't know what to do about it. It's not like I'm supressing my feelings, it really feels like I don't have any anymore.

I've met a guy who I get on with great, we've been out a few times and I really enjoy his company. He doesn't live in my area but comes for work every week/fortnight so it seemed ideal, we both said at the start that neither of us wanted anything serious. But now it seems he likes me a lot and it scares me to death 'cos I just can't reciprocate.

I'm not sure he's someone I even want to get emotionally involved with but it has made me realised that I'm not OK - if I try to think about my feelings for anyone (other than my kids & family) I feel like I'm almost having a panic attack - I've pushed all ths down for nearly 5 months telling everyone "i'm fine" and now I've realised I'm not and can feel it all bubbling to the surface and I'm terrified.

At five months it may still be early days, though you're doinv the 'right' thing by socialising and getting on with life. Anxiety and panic attacks are awful. Could you open up to someone else, a counsellor rather than a friend?

I had an amazing counsellor about 15 yrs ago - I've tried to find her but think she's either moved out of the area or isn't practising anymore as her name doesn't come up on any searches. I'd like to speak to someone but don't really know where to start.

You could start with your GP and referral to your local NHS service. In some places you can self-refer. It sounds like it's more than the 'expected' emotional reaction after a break-up. OTOH you may only need a few sessions, just enough to help you move along.

Counselling would be a really good idea, your GP can refer you or give you details of your local counselling service (it will happen much more quickly if you can afford to go private). It does sound like you need to process what has happened. Good on you for getting on with your life x

You had made a MASSIVE life change. Having the courage to leave a long marriage that was EA and your DC is huge. You probably had to seriously "detach" in order to do it - I think it's no surprise that although you think your life should now be idyllic that emotionally you are still "detached" - it is a survival technique.

I too would recommend seeing your GP, although some areas havea long waiting time for NHS counselling (6 months where I live) but often GP's or the local MHS can recommend clinicians/or practices they know have a good reputation and/or do reduced fees.

We actually have a counselling service where I work - it's not ideal as I do know the counsellors a bit, but I've emailed to see if they have any appointments - I won't know how easy it will be to open up to someone unless I try.

In the meantime I've just had a mammoth phone call with my sister - who is completely non-judgemental - and feel a lot calmer - which is a good think seeing as I'm in work!!

That's good to hear. I agree with Misty that detachment has probably been a survival technique for you and it now feels far too vulnerable, the idea of feeling your feelings.

It would be great if you could find a safe way to feel the things you need to (I am sure there is unexpressed sadness, pain and fear from the end of your marriage) and let them resolve for you, before opening yourself up to feeling "new" things.

I would not rush into a relationship at this stage. Keep it casual with your friend and don't put any pressure on yourself.

Work Copunselling appt booked for 4pm tomorrow - fingers crossed I feel able to open up and haven't pushed it all way back down by then

Well done! I hope it works out well. You'll be able to set the pace as is comfortable for you.

Thanks for the support & kind words. I think I need to admit how horrendous my marriage was for a lot of the time... I do find I minimise things as I think what's the point in raking over it all again now that I'm free anyway... But I'm clearly not helping myself move forward