baby due but he's still working away?

[AngelinBlack]

Okay so I'm expecting a baby with my fella of 2 and half years. I've already got a child from failed marriage, he's pretty much been her dad albeit only on weekends. He moved in at Xmas and it's not working. He seems to think it's fine to work 2hrs away mon-Fri so is hardly around, then be in my face all weekend. baby is due in 7 weeks and he's no interest in finding a job closer to home. am I being unreasonable thinking he needs to at least see the children every day? he will never get to have breakfast with them, take them to school, even see them in their school uniform. never have his dinner with them, get them ready for bed, or tuck them into bed.all the kind of things I thought a dad was supposed to do. He will only see them Saturday and Sunday, when he's not busy with his hobby or suchlike. have told him I can't live with him like we have been. I've already brought up one child by myself, I never thought I'd have to do it all again. my little girl needs stability and deserves more, and so does his baby that's coming.. so he's back at his parents. at 39. what do I do? previously been depressed, back on the slippery slope. any opinions welcome thanks in advance xx

So it was working okay when you got upduffed, and then he moved in? So it's the actual living together thing you don't like? Being pg and living on your own was ok? Being together and living apart for 18 mos before you got pg was ok?

What exactly is it that you don't like? He's always worked away, and he still does. That means you have changed the goal posts, not him?

Does he have to see the kids every day? Of course not. Does he have to be up in your face every weekend? Well, if he comes home, he's going to be there when you are? Most people would quite like that, tbh, although it is a different dynamic to these sorts of relationships. I've known a lot of people who choose to weekly commute for various reasons, and it doesn't affect the dad's relationship with the children at all.

Perhaps you should chat to him about where your lives are going? (It may have been better to do this before you got pregnant - I realise that's all a bit horse has bolted, but you got pg way before you lived together - it seems a bit haphazard, but was going well until you started moving the goalposts?)

Of course, it's not realistic to expect that all life decisions will be mapped out in advance, but you do both seem to want very different things - and you only seem to have wanted them recently?

Do discuss your depression with your mw though. If you need medication, there are options while pg.

Is your daughter at school? Is it possible to move closer to your DP's work? How far away is your work, can you maybe move to a place where you both have an hour commute?

It doesn't sound like you like him very much from your OP. You're annoyed he's not there in the week but also annoyed he's there at the weekend. Is there any way you could move closer to his work? Halfway between his and yours if you work?

Two hours (each way) is a normal commute in my house. We both do it!

It also doesn't have to mean you don't see the kids. We have three small kids and both see them during the week, though DH generally only sees them one end of the day or the other, not both.

It doesn't sound like he's changed anything since you made the decision to be with him and have another child. If that's true, then YABU for expecting a change that was never promised.

Unless he promised to nice jobs and is now going back on it now he's moved in and got you upduffed?

What do you mean by 'in your face'?

Were you finding living together quite claustrophobic too? Or is it the contrast between weekdays and weekends that is upsetting?

Maybe, given time, he'd feel the pull and come to some of these conclusions himself (job nearer home etc)?

Things can feel very intense and urgent when you're pregnant. Perhaps this is a type of nesting instinct that has gripped you, but unfortunately it hasn't gripped him in the same way, YET.

Try to take things slowly. You don't know what mind change once the baby's here.

What are his parents like?

Okay I feel like the bad person now lol. Yeah he was meant to be finding work closer.. since forever. but isn't exactly trying much. I think it's fair to say we both changed the goal posts for our relationship when we decided to get pregnant. now all I need is to feel more support and commitment. His parents are lovely, been married forever, and he is so involved in their lives. He'd never move from this area as it's where they live and nor would I for the same reason. I am angry with him for not feeling enough love for this baby already, or for me and my girl, to want to change his lifestyle. He wastes 4hrs each day driving and not even for a well paid job. I've spent a long time living on my own and have always wanted him to move in, but he's never dared to leave his parents side. They forced him into the decision because I'm pregnant, which makes me feel rubbish, and since then it's just not worked. There's no balance between weekdays when I'm so alone and weekends when he's here all the time expecting life to be exciting.

I think the way you have worded it is a little unfair. I could interpret our household as having a husband who "seems to think it's fine to work 2hrs away mon-Fri" and then "be in my face all weekend". I prefer to see it as my husband working in a job he enjoys and which earns us the money we need to survive and then being around to enjoy spending time with us.

As for this - he will never get to have breakfast with them, take them to school, even see them in their school uniform. never have his dinner with them, get them ready for bed, or tuck them into bed.all the kind of things I thought a dad was supposed to do. I think you have a fantasy idea of what all dads do and if that's wanted then you will be disappointed. Some may be able to achieve this, but the ones that don't, my husband included, are still wonderful parents.

Many, many families work like this and it's fine. The working situation you describe is not the end of the world and you can learn to live with it if you really want to.

He sounds like a fairly passive character who lets life happen to them and not sure if you can change that. If it isn't a well paid job and he could get one similar closer to home then that would be great for all of you, but he has to do it.

How old is he?

So where does he sleep during the week?

What job does he do? Is it hard to get jobs in that field?

I think OP said he's 39.

I think you're just going to have to be gentle with him OP

So he was still living at home at age 39?

Quitelikely I assumed that he came home at night, just not in time to do the bedtime duties. I could be wrong though.

My dad did this for many years as he was a truck driver.. Away in the week, back for weekends.. My mum never resented him for it, although of course she found it tough being a single parent mon-fri with young children.. He worked his way up to high level management & still works all the bloody hours under the sun.. He never took us to school or fed us our tea, but he wage was enough to keep us clothed, fed and provide us with a roof over our heads..

For me i'd want full involvement from DH with the kids at weekend to balance it out.. My dad nailed this & we had a wonderful upbringing with some relief for my mum at weekends.

My advice would be - if you've got issues with the current arrangement, see what you can change.. Or change your outlook on your current situation..
All the best

Well the issue seems to be him finding work nearer home. I can't understand why he wouldn't want to unless it's very hard to get a job in his field.

Who would want to travel for four hours needlessly?

And your comment about being in your face all weekend is strange!??

Why wouldn't you want him there on a weekend ?

My hubby works away for 4.5 weeks then home for 3.5 weeks at a time as is offshore

He brings home the money and just has to do what he gotta do

I'd just be grateful he works hard for you and your family, and not moan at him about it.

it does look as though you're not happy with the situation at all OP, even before baby comes along.

we are ttc and dp works away, offshore, so doesn't even have the option for a 2 hour drive when baby arrives. will probably miss birthdays and xmas - you do what you have to for your family.

he actually does my head in when hes home for too long, but i still miss him when he's away. so many people do this.

I am angry with him for not feeling enough love for this baby already

I totally get what you meant here... but if you'd asked me during my first pregnancy whether I loved the baby already, I probably would not have really understood the sentiment. I was excited, thrilled, amazed, obssessed etc, but the love thing was just in a cloud floating above somewhere.

However, when it came to my second pregnancy I was totally in love with the baby in there. Just besotted.

I was far more excited and momentous about my second pregnancy simply because I had had one before: because I realised what was ahead of me and I really relished the feeling. The thing is, you know what's involved, how all-consuming a baby is and all the grand emotions that go along with it, and it's incredibly hard to understand the magnitude of it before you actually go through it. If your fella hasn't already he got children, he's got no idea! You on the other hand, have been here before. There is bound to be a big gap between your respective expectations/fears/understanding of what is about to take place.

You sound very anxious and worried about the future. You want comfort and support and that's understandable. But I can see from his point of view that you are moving the goalpoasts a bit. I'm assuming this baby is planned and that he is 'on board' as much as he can be?

How has he responded to your complaints? Angry? Confused? Does he tell you he loves you and wants to be there for you and the baby? What's his take?

I know it sounds trite, but maybe you can address your depression or rather fear of depression with your MW or GP... and maybe cut your fella some slack. His life will change massively and his understanding of what a baby means to both your lifestyles should also change when it arrives. Maybe you just have to wait until it happens.

Rather than make doomy projections into the future, try to focus on what he can do for you now, while you're pregnant, to make you feel loved and supported.

Well so far he's not been supporting me financially, Id be more understanding if he was. I have always worked to keep a roof over mine and my daughters heads. I have many friends whole husbands/partners go off to work and provide for the family but that's not the case for us. He has always been happy to see me struggle.
its hard to properly explain the situation I'm in. I can understand it may come across as I'm being a bit hard on him. at the end of the day he's got to want it for himself hasn't he. It doesn't help that I'm mentally scarred from my experience with my ex husband. I was left alone while pregnant while he was having am affair and then when baby was young, and the pair of them mentally tortured me making me out to be a bad person and telling me I'd got it all wrong for almost two years in total.
my fella is nothing like my ex, but I always hoped I'd feel properly loved if I ever had another baby and tbh I don't.
He's had 39 years pleasing himself leading a single life and I'm obviously just going to have to wait until the baby's here and see what happens.
Thank you all for your comments, gap definitely made me think. Xx

If he's living with you he should be making a financial contribution. Definitely something to be discussed.

I always hoped I'd feel properly loved if I ever had another baby and tbh I don't.

I think this is a really revealing statement and shows how stressed you are around the idea of not being supported during a pregnancy and with a newborn (and that's really not surprising after what your ex did.)

Is your DP aware of what happened and how stressful you found pregnancy as a result? Does he know that you want him to step up and show he'll be there for you?

From reading your OP it almost sounds like you're pushing him away because you can't bear the idea of being hurt again. And you're demanding that either he is 100% the dad of your dreams, or he's no dad at all. And let's be honest, this is the real world and compromises have to be made. Yeah he might miss bath and bed time during the week but you've got to give him a chance to make up for that at weekends and during holidays.