When does it get easier ?

[Ali3333]

My husband left me 5 weeks ago. We argued but we were always so close I never thought he'd leave. He doesn't do talking and I can't get answers. We've already hit a nasty stage... He keeps threatening to take our 15 yr old daughter to live with him. She's Daddy's girl and he uses her horse as leverage. We were in serious debt but he stuck his head in the sand. I told him to sell the horse so many times and then we argued and he left. 3 days later he told me he still loved me and thought we could maybe talk to counsellors. The next day he changed his mind again. He was always quite controlling but I had a brain tumour 5 years ago and became very dependent on him. He, on the other hand did better at work and spent less time with me... We have a 19 yr old at uni too. I am a wreck both emotionally and physically. I've seen a debt manager and have to go bankrupt but my husband is still stuck with his head in the sand and holding it over me that our daughter wants to live with him. I am on benefits due to medical retirement and still have part of my brain tumour active. He is a highish earner and very driven, doesn't like to be told what to do and hates that I'm fighting back... The problem is I still love him and miss him desperately, despite the shitty things he's done and said to me.... When does it start getting easier because one day I'm ok but the next I'm in tears all day.
Sorry this is quite disjointed but I'm just so lost. I also don't have a lot of friends as I became quite withdrawn after my tumour as it left me with facial paralysis and other problems.
We were together 22 years

I can't advise you on the bankruptcy but it seems like you have several issues. Your health, your finances and your abusive partner.

If you have the strength, perhaps you should disengage from him do that you are not at the mercy of his behaviour. You will be ok, it's just relentlessly tough at the moment because of all the other issues.

I think you have taken an enormously beneficial step to see a debt manager. Slowly then, the financial aspect will get easier.

Could you see your GP to get some free counselling to help generally?

I a, sorry things are so hard but you sound brave and I thinkthe clouds will part shortly.

I have no advice as havent gone through this myself but didn't want to read and run. for you OP. Please look after yourself and think of your health at this time. Surround yourself with your children and loving family and friends. I can only imagine how tough this is, but it will get better. Also, everything looks worse at night. Try to get some sleep. X

Ali3333 it is very early days for you. What we cannot understand is how someone can just so suddenly leave and act as if we mean nothing to them. It is beyond understanding. It just seems so cruel.

I dont understand how you are bankrupt but he is a high earner - or does that mean him as well?

Others will have better advice than me - I just didn't want to read and run either. Sending you some [ brew] and lots of it .

It really doesn't matter if you don't feel up to much for now - it really is traumatic. If you want to sit down and watch TV all day then do so... it will get better - been there - but it is very much an up and down game.

Thank you for the replies. My husband just liked to spend money though I'm not quite sure how he never has any money. I stupidly paid for everything on credit cards as he never gave me any money. I paid for his clothes, everything. He paid our direct debits such as mortgage etc but now has told me that when my son goes back to uni after Easter hols, he is getting somewhere for my daughter and him to live and then will only pay the mortgage and nothing else. I am going bankrupt as apparently it is my best option and because our house is in negative equity it can't be touched. He tried to get me to leave so he could live here with our daughter but thankfully I was told to stay put by solicitor. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head to turn against me so quickly and so harshly. He still walks into the house all the time, as he likes to remind me I can't stop him as its his house. My 15 yr old daughter not only is at that terrible teen stage but she knows how to push my buttons and blames me and says she doesn't care if her Dad gates me or not and that I need to realise he's not coming back. My husband also tries to call me Mental as I suffer from depression and says he will use this against me too. I honestly don't know how he went from being very caring to totally torturing me. So much has gone on since he left that I can't sleep and am exhausted. It makes it worse when some days he actually is quite pleasant but I think that he turns whenever I stand up for myself. Just feel so sad and ashamed that I still love him.

I think you should speak to Women's Aid, get yourself a decent lawyer and please stop talking to him.

His sudden nasty behaviour - why did he leave, is there someone else in his sights? Or did he always treat you so disgustingly?

Does your daughter want to live with him and does she know how badly he is treating you? He sounds like a complete nasty bully.

I'm so sorry you're going through this

Please check with your solicitor what the situation is with him walking into the house. I believe once he has been in a new place for a certain length of time he is judged to have "abandoned" the previous residence and doesn't have right of entry.

At this point with your daughter, I would sit her down and say to her that if she wants to live with her dad that's fine and you understand and you will love her whatever the decision, however you will miss having her company so perhaps you can work out a 50/50-ish agreement? (If that works logistically for school etc) And also reassure her that it's okay to change her mind and she will always have a place with you.

Please don't feel ashamed that you love him still. It must have been an awful shock to you for him to do this so abruptly and without warning, and it's early days. You can't just turn off your feelings like a tap! Give yourself some time to grieve for the marriage.

My solicitor actually referred me to Women's Aid and I saw a counsellor who is referring me on to one of their weekly counselling team but there is a bit of a wait to get to see them. She was fantastic and within about 2 hours told me that my husband was obviously a control freak although I had always just believed that arguments were my fault and always ended up apologising. Unfortunately it's hard to change that feeling after 22 years of believing it. My 19 yr old son who is home from uni has told me that after talking to my daughter, she told him that she wanted 50/50 custody, which I believe to be fair but my husband works shifts and will be out of the country for at least 3 periods of more than a week before September. She also suffers from migraines and has missed over 35 % of school so I don't know how he would cope when she needs to be at home in bed whereas I am at home everyday. I could be wrong but believe that child maintenance might have some reason for him wanting residency with him but as I'm going to be made homeless at some point I really feel very scared. ( he is demanding that the house be put up for sale and sold Asap )
There's just so much to cope with. Both cars are in his name and he refuses to let me sell one to get something more economical as he says they are joint assets... Despite the fact he left me a 10 year old Discovery that guzzles diesel and he took the brand new car that I put the deposit on !
Yes I know, I sound like a doormat ??