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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why the fuck do I still love him?

18 replies

pieceofpurplesky · 08/04/2015 00:12

That really.
EX h was an amazing H. We laughed, loved and had a fabulous relationship. He was everything then one day he left. That was it. Left me and DS (10) No one involved he just felt I wasn't supporting him enough. He was a total bastard to me, betraying friendships and being a total twat. He slagged me off and no end of caused friendship issues by telling stories etcetera.
Deep down I know he had some sort of breakdown - he went from sex on Tuesday night to leaving Wednesday Nd changed beyond belief - he broke me into a million pieces.
Why is it then a year on he is still my first and last thought and I still love him with all my heart????

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 08/04/2015 00:53

You don't actually .
You are grieving for the man you thought he was. It feels the same but it isn't.

tallwivglasses · 08/04/2015 01:03

What a horrible shock for you. You're probably in shock, actually. It's early days. Look after yourself (eat, breathe, etc).

tallwivglasses · 08/04/2015 01:05

Ah, just seen it's a year on sorry. it takes time but you'll be okay, honest.

Cassawoof · 08/04/2015 01:52

I'm sorry, it is hard, especially when you think it should be better by now Flowers

My H left 6 months ago, but I still love him. I just want the pain and sadness and loneliness and fear for the future to go away - for this all to stop and it to go back to how it was. So it's understandable, and I bet it's not all the time, just quiet times, or times when you are low, so it does get better.

I read on here that the best way is to meet someone new - if you can get out there and do that.

FabULouse · 08/04/2015 05:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

quirkycutekitch · 08/04/2015 07:09

I'm also a year on from a split - where I was left. I understand where you are coming from, nothing changed for you. I don't like exp for the things he has done in the last year, but I still love him as I did the 13 years we were together.

TheOldWiseOne · 08/04/2015 07:39

pagwatch is correct in what she says...

cassawoof talks about the fear,sadness and loneliness - I know this too as am about 8 weeks in..

Mornings are always the worst for me as I live on my own ...thats why I am on here now !

Be grateful that you are young and that you have your child .
These are things that we cannot change but it is very, very hard to get over especially when someone is so wrapped up in themself.

Ah yes, the " not supporting enough" ..........what else can you do other than do a cheerleading demo every day?

pieceofpurplesky · 08/04/2015 07:44

Thanks everyone. It's a year on and I just still miss the life we had and the man he was. It was 16 years of my life and whilst I am mostly fine I just still love him .... He still makes my heart flip when I see him.
No, nobody else involved and still not.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 08/04/2015 07:44

There have been stories on here before of a very similar nature. There is never another woman involved. It's like they have some sort of crisis due to years of not highlighting their needs and almost always these men were the perfect husband and father.

It's almost like they couldn't keep it up any longer.

Once they leave they seem to act out of character in various ways and usually refuse to believe MH issues have contributed to their downfall.

I've never known them wanting to return to their marriage either as they seem to come up with a list of reasons their poor dw was not even aware existed.

I think these type of men are people pleasers, are unable to express themselves or their needs adequately and then boom out of nowhere they up and leave.

It's hard for you because he was so great during the time you were together. I get that but you also need to realise that his needs were t being met as he was unable or unwilling to communicate them to you.

You couldn't change a thing as you just didn't know.

It's ok to grieve. Give yourself time. Understand that you might never understand why what happened did.

Look forward and not back. Flowers

Rozalia · 08/04/2015 07:45

Pagwatch is right. I love a man who didn't actually exist. Painful all the same but recognising that fact helps.

Is it something in our culture that causes so many men to think they deserve a squad of cheerleaders and a marching band because they do the stuff that adults do? You know, work, be responsible, act kindly.

TheOldWiseOne · 08/04/2015 07:58

and did they ever once do the cheerleading for us? Oh - well they showed it in other ways and that is OK and acceptable- for THEM but not it seems for us...we have to do the cheerleading as the other ways are not enough! WTF really!

TheOldWiseOne · 08/04/2015 08:04

quitelikely your post is exactly right...just what goes on?

pieceofpurplesky · 08/04/2015 09:17

So right. He thinks he is a better dad now as he has quality time with DS. Once a fortnight ....

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 08/04/2015 12:11

Personally, I would take the 'not supporting him enough' line with a pinch of salt. If he really felt that he could have mentioned it and tried to resolve it within the marriage.

He's likely rewriting history to blame you for the failure of the marriage because otherwise he looks like an arsehole.

It's impossible to know whether he had his eye on another woman or just another lifesfyle. Sometimes guys swear there's no OW and it turns out to be a lie, and sometimes there genuinely isn't.

One is is for sure: he's not the man you thought he was. It's possible to leave a marriage honourably, if not painlessly, but he behaved appallingly:

He was a total bastard to me, betraying friendships and being a total twat. He slagged me off and no end of caused friendship issues by telling stories etcetera.

He was always like this underneath, and as long as things went ok you never saw that side of him. When things went wrong, his true colours showed.

The reason you're still in love with him is because you're holding onto the dream of the man he never was, and you have not integrated the new information into the picture.

Twinklestein · 08/04/2015 12:24

I get that but you also need to realise that his needs were t being met as he was unable or unwilling to communicate them to you.

I really disagree with this. We have no idea why he left, the OP doesn't seem to and he may not even know himself.

If it were true, if he had really cared about the OP and the relationship then he would have tried to flag the issue within the marriage. Or got support for himself with therapy for example. Not simply buggered off with no warning.

To justify his leaving he has to blame the OP for causing the failure of the relationship

LadyBlaBlah · 08/04/2015 14:34

I guess the harsh reality is anyone is free to leave a relationship at any time, even if they are married.

Whatever is going on, he is not prepared to be honest with you and that in itself is very hurtful. But again, it is his choice.

Making a concerted effort to stop dwelling on and questioning the reasons why this has happened is the only way you can start to regain some happiness. You may never find out why he left and it will be torture trying to work it out on such limited information. So the only thing you can say to yourself is "he has left, and I don't really know why". That's it. And repeat. And do not let the 'what ifs' the 'was its' and the 'maybes' rule your thoughts for long. They aren't based on any evidence so they are just musings that harm your recovery.

Then put the energy you have left into doing things you want to do. Whatever they may be !

minniethemmoose · 08/04/2015 15:20

Just to echo quitelikely on this...

*There is never another woman involved. It's like they have some sort of crisis due to years of not highlighting their needs and almost always these men were the perfect husband and father. It's almost like they couldn't keep it up any longer.

Once they leave they seem to act out of character in various ways and usually refuse to believe MH issues have contributed to their downfall.

I've never known them wanting to return to their marriage either as they seem to come up with a list of reasons their poor dw was not even aware existed.

I think these type of men are people pleasers, are unable to express themselves or their needs adequately and then boom out of nowhere they up and leave.

It's hard for you because he was so great during the time you were together. I get that but you also need to realise that his needs were t being met as he was unable or unwilling to communicate them to you.

You couldn't change a thing as you just didn't know.*

This happened to me also OP. There was never another woman. My DS was also 10 at the time. He also turned into a complete unrecognisable bastard after he did it.

It transpired long afterwards that he did have MH issues and in fact some months after he left he reached a full breakdown. He never returned to the same person I once knew, that person does not exist anymore and never will again because in the act of abandonment itself he became someone new. Someone neither he nor I ever dreamed he would or could ever be.

What Quitelikely says is exactly what it was.

They are people pleasers. They can't communicate fully and openly (even with themselves). It's not that they are deeply unhappy in the marriage (mine admits now he wasn't at all and has never been as happy since or with anyone else) it's more that they are acting out a role of perfection because they have a deep belief this is required of them to be loved. When they snap, you are left wondering what the fuck just happened.

They ARE the perfect husband, the perfect father...and when you are on the receiving end of this you feel like you are living a real life fairytale and that you are very lucky. The problem is that while it IS real, it IS happening, it's also not based on an equal relationship with a fully healthy person. They are always playing a role, always holding back the bits of themselves they think are unfavourable or won't be loved.

And one day...they just cant do it anymore. And yes, they do lash out like they hate you. Mine also badmouthed me and tore me down. I could barely believe it was happening to me.

Truth was he did not hate me. He hated himself.

My ex did exactly this to me, just disappeared, and being honest years later I look back and almost do not believe it happened. We were just so happy. So in love. I of course miss the person he was, but have come to understand he is no longer that person.

We have talked about it since in detail, in so far as he is able to in his depressed state, but he describes feeling like he was under so much pressure he would explode if he did not run away, so he did. After that point he just no longer gave a fuck. He did not want to sort it or resolve it. He wanted to escape his life, who he was and all his responsibilities which he saw as being to blame for how bad he felt.

His work colleagues, his family, his neighbours, his ex wife....he cared so much about being seen as perfect that he drove himself into a breakdown. He did not understand what marriage really was, and those deep neurosis inside him were hidden from me and from everyone he knew.

Being abandoned unexpectedly is without doubt one of the most incredibly painful and difficult experiences a human being could ever live through. It stays with you, that pain, and I wish I could say it didn't but it does.

What it also does though is brings you unexpected gifts in ways you can't see yet, so please hang on to hope.

I loved my ex more than I could probably find a way to type and what he did honestly did nearly kill me, but after enough time passed I realised i did not want to grow old with someone who could not really be fully in it with me. People like this are broken inside. They need to fix that, and that journey is theirs alone.

What most of them will do is think if they can just escape their wife / kid they can be whoever they want to be. They think they can rewrite themselves. It's a fantasy....just like the fantasy they create in teir head of why they did it. Almost like a form of splitting of the psyche.

My ex is now super friendly to me, providing I never mention what he did. We have to pretend it wasn't that bad or else he blanks me and pretends he didn't hear me. He is quite literally unable to face up to who he became and what he did, and he has no life now. He's a sad and lost man.

I moved on.

I will never stop living my XH but he's dead in my eyes. This "person" is a twisted version of the person I loved.

pieceofpurplesky · 09/04/2015 19:27

Thank you Minnie. I think you have captured my life perfectly. He has had two breakdowns previously and I picked up the pieces and I could see him going again - only this time it was me and not the job. His first marriage broke up because of depression. He obviously denies it.

Day to day I am fine with life - lovely home, love my job, great friends, wonderful family and great great child. It's just his funny laugh and our companionship and a lifetime of dreams I miss - I feel cheated!

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