Devastated

[Jackie401]

Been with my DP for three years in total. We split up after a year and a half.
To my deep regret.

I learned that he had a degenerative disease. He lost his job and almost everything. I took him in to mine and nursed him for a year. We fell in love. Miraculously he is stable again. But for me, I'm not sure he would have survived.

He is now working on the offshore again. Three weeks on. Three weeks off. There is a very important family matter...This issue is his, but it has an impact on us as a couple. I can't go into the detail as could give away who I am. Anyway, I wrote him a letter 2 months ago telling him that it was his issue to deal with but that I would support him in anyway that I could and told him the boundaries that were important to me in order to approach things successfully for us as a couple.

He still hasn't read the letter. I said to him yesterday on the phone, please read it. It's important you understand how I am feeling. I had already asked him. I said "I don't like to ask you twice" . I meant that in its purest form...that I felt like a dick for asking him twice. I felt like I was nagging and I didn't like it.

He sent me a text tonight saying... "You talked to me like I was 6 year old boy whne you said "I don't like to ask you twice".

He's misinterpretd what I said to such an extent, I just can't believe it. After all I've done for him. Surely he knows who I am. That I'm not like that. That I don't speak to him like that. I thought our love ran deep. But that just makes me realise... He thinks Im a bitch.

I just am devastated after everything that he has this opinion.

Should I move on to find somebody who values me more? This just doesn't seem right at all.

If it is such an important issue, if you can't talk to him in real life then call or Skype. It's just too easy for people to misinterpret the written word and people often assume the worst interpretation as they can't hear your tone of voice or see your body language. There may be other issues that this is highlighting but try not to jump to conclusions and talk normally first.

Don't be a martyr, be angry! God, you've gone to all the trouble to write him a heartfelt letter, the least he can do is bloody read it.

Get angry. He hasn't told you he thinks you're a bitch, so that might not be true, but by all means ask him whe the hell he hasn't read your letter. What's his excuse? He is acting exactly like a 6 year old boy. So there!

And why did you split up initially? Were those issues fully resolved or are they resurfacing now?

Sometimes you just can't help people. You helped him out before and pulled him out of a very tough time and now he is telling you he doesn't need you. Listen to him and leave it at that. He may read the letter and contact you with an apology but in the meantime just leave him be.

You are getting nowhere by putting his interests first. Focus on yourself from now on and always put yourself first. That way you set the boundaries for how you want to be treated.

I know you are devastated and I hope you start to feel better soon. It is never easy to deal with a relationship breakdown but you will get through it and come out the other side.

awholelotta thanks for your post. Just to clarify..lots not my letter that he thinks is patronising (he hasn't read it yet)... It was me saying on the phone to him "I don't like to ask you twice".... He misinterpreted that. I wasmt meaning to berate him. I meant I felt like a dick for asking him to read it as I had already asked...

poppy I'm not going to get angry as his time working is tough particularly given he's been ill. He's just been too tired to read it, and that is fine with me....but to think I was berating him. WTF... That IS what I'm angry about. I tried to call to explain...but he wouldn't pick up....not sure whether that was on purpose.

Fuck it. Why can't I find somebody who realises I am a good personl wtf was his comment all about.

What is his reason for not reading it?

I know what you mean by saying "I don't like to ask you twice" = Having to ask you more than once makes me feel like a nag and I don't want to.

But you must be able to see how someone could take it a different way. It's unfortunate wording and has a ring of "If I have to ask you one more time, you will go to your room". I think you need to speak to him about what you meant but if he's pissed off you need to give him time to calm down. No one registers anything rational when they are angry or upset.

selfloathing very busy at work and too exhausted I think to turn his mind to the letter as it talks about so extremely difficult situation. I understand why he wanted to find the right time to read it.

Yes I can see how he could take what I said in a different way. I just woukd have thought that he knows me well enough to know I would put speak like that. From my perspective, I have moved heaven and earth to get him better. Now we have this family thing going on. Which I am dealing with calmly. But then he turns around DNS is do quick to insult me. it's childish. It's ungrateful.

Sorry all. I'm just exhausted with life!

Is it maybe the case that he is trying to ignore the issue, whatever that might be, because he is exhausted? Perhaps he feels like the letter will force him to confront something he's not ready to?

Do you usually write to each other? Why did you choose to write rather than talk? Conversation is usually better than monologue.

Do other things feel "off"? I am not sure otherwise how you get from being snarked at one the phone under the stress of the long distance relationship/stress ….to him not valuing you.

No we do not write to each other. I chose to write a letter because I felt like it's such an emotive and difficult issue, this was the best and most gentle way of telling how I felt. It would give him time to really digest what I think and then the plan was to chat about things. Before I started writing it, I asked him what he thought and he said it was a good idea. I also really value letter writing in difficult situations as writing things down and redrafting helps to clarify things for me....to get to the bottom of how I really feel.

No things aren't off. I don't think. I mean other than life throwing a whole lot of shit at us (Scuse my french) which has been tough tough tough to deal with. I am astonished we have made it through and thought iit made us strong. But that comment I think revealed to me that despite everything... There is still some snarkiness. And I'm disappointed to say the least.

I think you are done in, you've been through a lot and so has he.

And therefore you are seeing the snarky comment as something bigger than it is. Of course it's ok to be hurt a little, upset a little. But unrealistic to expect him to be perfect and always think of you as perfect.

Yes I'm done in. God. Need a break. Thanks for all your help

Thanks mary. That really made sense x

I can understand why you're disappointed. It's all very well to wait for the right time, but it's been two months! That and the snapping at you make me think that you've become his person to lean on, who can get him through anything - but that he has rather lost right of the fact that you have feelings of your own and that maybe you would like just a little support in return yourself. I agree with Brower - leave him to it for a while and wait for him to contact you. See if that makes him think twice about this recent conversation.