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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who is being a knob, him or me?

11 replies

Reginafalangie · 07/04/2015 21:22

So long story short I hope I am in a newish relationship of 7 months.

It was amazing in the beginning. Very passionate, very interesting even though it was long distance. We did see each other a lot plus skype and when we moved closer to each other as all we wanted was our own space ( I was back with parents and he was house share) we were all over each other and talked about being on our own constantly.

I got my own place last week and I thought it would be all..... well exciting and passionate. I was wrong. Once in 7 days and then it felt like he did it just to keep me happy. I tried on Sunday and he pushed me away saying it's all I seem to want. I thought given his previous eagerness he wanted it too.

I have tried to speak to him about it and he says he cannot turn it on like a tap. I am . I am 38 and spent 14 years in a sexless marriage for the latter 3 years of it and he was 8 years in a relationship sexless for the last 12 months (on her part apparently ). He says he loves me and I do love him but I don't want to go back to what I had so do I just end it now or wait it out with a fear that I will be back in a sexless relationship?

OP posts:

magoria · 07/04/2015 21:29

When it was long distance how often was sex? Was a lack disguised by the distance and skyping iyswim?

7 months is a short time for the spark to drop off.

Is there anything else going on that may be distracting him?

Maybe give him a few more months with a deadline (to yourself) if things don't improve?

Original poster

Reginafalangie · 07/04/2015 21:38

7 months is a short time for the spark to drop off

Thats what I thought!!

We spent around 6 weeks skyping and then we had over a month in the same country then 2 months apart then back in the same country permanently. It seems to have stopped since I got my own place. I know it may make me sound shallow but I see sex as a big part of a relationship and even though I know couples do get in to a healthy routine for want of a better expression I was looking forward to having the spontaneous fun part of the first year or two.

Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 07/04/2015 21:58

Sex is an important part of a relationship to me. It's like literally the most intimate way you can be with someone. I don't think this bodes well, I'm sorry. I would personally give it max one month and if nothing changes, wish him good luck and send him on his way.

Original poster

Reginafalangie · 07/04/2015 22:26

I think you are right. That was my gut feeling. We have a great time together and he is really interesting but I just think I fancy him more than he fancies me.........What is that line???

He's just not in to you

OP posts:

confusedoflondon · 08/04/2015 12:09

I know exactly where you are coming from Am I ldr myself see him every weekend and been together 6 months (started speaking 7 months ) the sex has been epic every single time (we see each other every weekend and occasionally in week) but last weekend he could not maintain an erection on both occasions. Fine with other ways just not actual penatrative sex. He was very apologetic. It was a real surprise to me for it to happen seemingly overnight. Not sure what the answer is but I'm like you, not willing to compromise on my sex life this time round as brutal as that sounds. Have decided to give it a month or so and see what happens.

Jan45 · 08/04/2015 13:07

You need to talk to him, find out exactly how he sees a relationship and how often he thinks a couple should be having sex, don't make too many assumptions, remember all kinds of things can knock our sex drive.

I do agree though that the passion seems to be dwindling very early on.

Sickoffrozen · 08/04/2015 13:15

His 12 month sexless relationship could well have been down to him.

I would give it a month. Don't make any moves on him and let him do the arranging and move making...see how it goes. If it doesn't I would end it and move on. After your experience you cannot accept another dud in the bedroom department. There are lots of other interesting people out there!

Hissy · 08/04/2015 14:29

My (abusive) ex went cold on me when I moved to my own flat - said he did it because he thought I was too big for my boots somehow.

Bin this guy, you have been there and got the tshirt, he has issues of some nature and you don't need to wait around to find out what they are.

You have actually been with him a couple of months at the most - ignore the skype/2 countries phase, that counts for NOTHING.

LadyBlaBlah · 08/04/2015 14:39

Yeah, whatever the reason, seems like he's not prepared to tell you so you can't do anything about it.

So, if it's a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker.

7 months is time of epic adventure not feeling rejected and unloved.

TokenGinger · 08/04/2015 15:33

He may just not be big on sex very often, but sexual incompatibility is a relationship killer. I don't think I could be with somebody who didn't want it every day. Last week when seeing the guy I'm dating, we didn't have sex for the first time (in four months - besides when TOTM). It didn't even enter my head at the time, so I wasnt bothered by it, but damn, my yearning for him was strong by the next time I got to see him. I don't think that's something I would want to deal with on a very regular basis.

shovetheholly · 08/04/2015 16:27

I wonder if he has some issues - it's not uncommon - maybe premature ejaculation, or he struggles to get it up. Which doesn't mean at all he doesn't want you or need you - just that physiology isn't helping.

If you can, I would try to chat to him in a kind and gentle way about this, bearing in mind that it might be the most humiliating thing for him. He may not be able to turn it on like a tap, but viagra or a sympathetic partner who doesn't pile the pressure on (and you sound lovely and sympathetic) might help.

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