Petrified I'll end up like my passive aggressive, emotionally abusive mother, please help:(

[indiana7]

I have 2 dd's I adore so much they are both 2 & under. My childhood was very hard grew up in the 80s without much money. My mom worked very hard as a nurse & my dad worked in a minimum wage job. My Nana minded me alot of the time. Growing up I was never told I was able enough, loved, pretty or good at anything. I was just snapped at, critisiced, pushed away or made to feel like a burden. I acted up to get attention... At school I never tried as my family believed only "big shots" like solicitors kids etc stood any chance of achieving anything & before my exams my father told me " I would end up sweeping the streets".....
My mom would constantly react to anything I would do as a child, often pretended to run away & leave me, told me I was nothing, blatently preferred my older sister & she still does as did my father... I now have crippling self esteem issues, social anxiety & I never did achieve anything great even though as a child I had plenty of ambition & truely believed the world was my oyster:(
Occassionally I was physically abused as well even though I think I have blocked it out as much as I can.
I am so scared I will end up like my mom, I am not as affectionate with my children, I can be emotionally distant, lack empathy & tend to overreact to the usual toddler anticssad My 2 year old dd is going through a hitting phase & I am blaming my parenting, I honestly think I'll end up like my mother, How do I break the cycle? Even with dh I hugely over react to the slightest thing, I turn into a monster like my mom used to & also to my dd's I terrify myself not to mind them.... All I want is for them to have a happy childhood & not to project my own anxieties onto them. My mother had a huge inferiority complex which I inherited & it has held me back so much in life, I am so scared of my dd's turning out like me in return

Would you consider counselling? You should be able to get some free sessions through your GP. Counsellors can be a bit hit and miss but a good one can help you to understand your reactions and where they come from. I don't mean in a literal way, because it sounds like you have thought a lot about the impact of your childhood. But with a good counsellor it's like unlocking feelings from the past, letting go and moving forward. It might be worth a try

Oh, Indiana, your post really resonates with me. I also had an extremely problematic mother (she was chronically mentally ill and very neglectful). My nightly prayer, for years, was "God, please don't let me end up like my mother."

When I started having kids I was worried that I might be an inadequate parent, but thankfully I have my husband, who had a normal childhood, and some friends around, whom I can ask for guidance as needed.

I also devoured every book I could find on dysfunctional parents, and on being the child of a mentally ill mom, and I couldn't believe how much of it was familiar and helpful to me.

Toxic Parents byForward
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by McBride
Running on Empty by Webb

I might also look at Walking on Eggshells-it is a book on Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know if your mom has that, but some of the things you describe her doing sound reminiscent of it.

Good luck. Just the fact that you are asking yourself these sorts of questions is an excellent sign that you will be the thoughtful, caring parent that you never had.

The book recommendations zillie gives are good.

Counselling might help, and I'd talk to your husband, ask him to tell you when you re over reacting or being distant.

Have you tried to make a conscious decision to change ? You re aware of the problem which is a good start, as it will will make it easier to change.

Try and watch good parents and copy their techniques

Your awareness of the possibility stands you in extremely good stead, you know. That and you not wanting to do the same, wanting to change the pattern. That's half the battle :)

I agree that counselling might benefit you further though.

Some good suggestions here, OP. I know several people who have managed to avoid repeating their parents behaviour with their children. I'm afraid though that I think they had to concentrate more. I wasn't a brilliant mother, who is, but had a decent upbringing, so when I wasn't concentrating, I would recur to what I knew, how I had been treated, which wasn't bad. I think people aiming to bring their children up in a different fashion, have to concentrate much more and, in the end, children thrive on parents who are really paying attention to what they are doing.

counselling is the best you can do.