What do I do

[deebee02]

I have been with my partner for 9 years. I have 2 grown up children who are now 22 and 19. He has struggled periodically with this but has tried. At times we have come close to splitting up as I have felt stuck in the middle. Each time he has got really angry and then apologised saying he will try harder.
2 months ago he told me he was in debt, which he has been hiding. Credit Cards. I have borrowed to pay them off and he is paying me back. However we have just argued again about the kids. They are back from Uni and can be noisy and messy but they are not so bad. Previously he has only shared his issues with me but this time he voiced it directly to my son. This time I feel really angry. I feel like he doesn't have the right to criticise my kids when he has got himself in a financial mess and therefore is not perfect himself. We have some good times together but I need to feel relaxed when my children are back from Uni and not feel like I am treading on eggshells. He is once again apologetic.The hardest thing in all of this is that I am 51 and so embarrassed about the prospect of another break up. I feel like a total failure and that my life is a mess.

how bad is he with the kids and what do they think of him?

I personally wouldn't be "embarrassed" about waking up finally and breaking up with an arse. He should never have entered your house if he wasn't prepared to take on the whole package and you should never have let him over the threshold in the first place. In saying that, I'm sure your kids would respect you far more for dumping him and apologising.

Hi Deebee, I can totally relate to this. I have a son who's 22 and came home from uni in Sept last year. Since then it's been a nightmare and finally my son moved to his Dad's yesterday after I offered him the ultimatum. My DH once voiced his annoyance to my son direct which I hated and I sided with my son. We have come very close to splitting point recently but now my DS has gone I'm hoping things will improve. My DS was being out of order and was rebelling against us both and our house rules. Your not alone and if you want to pm me pls do so. Big hugs. Like you I am embarrassed to think I'd have another failed relationship (2nd marriage) so trying my hardest to keep things together. What I have learnt is that its hard to be a step parent - I know this from friends in RL especially when the step children are adults. So I always try and see it from my DH view point too.

OK... so presumably your youngest has been away at Uni since Sept last year. How has the relationship been during that time? Has he had a sudden miraculous turnaround and been all sweetness and light? Or has he still been miserable?

I went through something similar with my ex, he kept blaming all problems on how he got frustrated with my son (mainly noise and mess so similar to you.) Then my son moved out but things didn't really change and we split up 6mths later.

Incidentally he was also in debt and I took out a loan to pay it off for him. £3.5k I never saw again when he buggered off with another woman

No embarrassment necessary if you break up with this Man child. He sounds jealous of your children, like he doesn't like them and is too immature to be in a grown up relationship. Could you afford to write off the money?

If he's getting cross because they treat you like a lot of youngsters thatvage then ok but if he's letting off steam because he feels weak in the situation then he needs to learn to curb it. Is he allowed to treat the home as his house and home but only on your terms? Difficult one as i know i let off steam for such things when it gets on top of me thats normal family life isn't it? Always apologise usually immediately if appropriate and my family know what I'm like and vice versa You know best about your situation but beware how long it will take him to pay you back if you boot him out!

You aren't a failure for facing a situation which needs addressing and your life isn't a mess. I think you have just come to the natural end of a relationship with someone who is now showing their true colours, making you feel 'on eggshells'....and it's time to move on.
Far worse surely to spend time with someone who sounds like hard work, is secretive, angry and critical. You may be surprised to find your DC just want you to be happy not constantly stressed by another persons moods and debts.

I don't think it's fair or logical to say he doesn't get an opinion on their behaviour because he has debts, unless he is specifically complaining about their money msnagement

There's no embarrassment in ending something that's not working for you. More in staying!

But taking on his debt was a bad move. How long til he pays you back? I'd do what you can to transfer the debt back to him before you dump him!

I agree with Cabrinha. The debts are a separate issue.

From his pov he is now sharing his home with 2 adults who are being inconsiderate and yet he is not allowed to criticise their behaviour to them directly. I'd find that v annoying.

You have an entirely different relationship with them and therefore don't find their behaviour as irritating in the first place, AND you can tell them off when they're out of line.

Has he never had any part in disciplining them, even when they were 10 and 13? Would you like to house-share with your sons, if you were not related?

It sounds as if this is an old problem but your annoyance about his debts makes it difficult for you to sympathise any more with his position. I think you need to work out which is the main issue here. Your sons are only home for a couple of weeks. Can you forgive the debt problem and trust that it won't happen again?

your kids are grown now, I think it is ok for your partner to express how he feels to them now. Only with respect, though.

that is, He doesn't need to discuss issues with you about the kids anymore as they don't need their parents to disciple them. They need to be adults and take responsibilities of their own action. They can handle it if their stepdad or someone have a problem or issues with them.

Everyone is writing him off as a shit guy for criticising, I've been in that position and it's not easy, he may be the type of person whose ideas of parenting are completely different from yours,, herein lies the problem, it doesn't mean he hates your children, I hate when folk automatically assume partners of people with kids are out of order for expressing their opinion.

You need to talk to him about this and agree ground rules, what is acceptable and what is not.

the debt situation is entirely different so keep that out of it.

Y