Not really sure his to handle this one...

[cookiemonster100]

Hey,

My post seems quite trivial compared to some of the heartache on other threads but I just wanted some advice.

Background; DH works FT, 10 day shift pattern. I work 4 days a week but my days are longer (7-7). LO is in nursery in the mornings then a grandparent has them in the afternoon. If DH has a day off he picks them up. We are v lucky to have the network to enable us to work like we do & I am very concise on not taking the p.

If I want to go out & meet friends of an evening I check hubby shifts to see if he is in, & if he is not, If a grandparent can help then I will ask. I don't always ask grandparents, as they also provide childcare if LO is too sick to go to nursery so I can still go to work. So I think asking them to step in again is unfair. I appreciate toddlers are hard work & they would appreciate their down time. I generally get to meet friends out once every other month, but I also host now & again so I can combine no childcare & socialising! If DH is on babysitting duty I have to put reminders in his phone, remind him a few nights before etc etc as he will forget. If my DH wants to go out. He does. Doesn't even enter his brain, "who has the kids that night?".
Now he has just come home saying they have asked him to work tomorrow afternoon into the evening (it was optional) He had to pick up LO from nursery tomorrow as we have no grandparents to help plus I was going out after work. So when I say he needs to sort out childcare as no one is in, he looks at me like . He can't understand why I should be the one that had to sort it out.

Take last week. Thursday after work everyone was going for a drink. I rang home to test the water about having a glass of wine before heading home. He starts moaning that LO is playing up & how tired he us blah blah blah so I skip the drinks & head home. LO not bathed or ready for bed coz it's assumed I will do it when I get in so why should he bother. So considering he knows LO is teething, & generally being a grump, he texts me on Friday with "just heading for a quick beer with the team, some compo for working the bank holiday". No, do you need me home? Is it ok? Just does it. We discussed it when he got home and his response was he didn't think. Seriously?!

I really would love to do the same to him but he would palm LO off onto the grandparents & I feel we would loose goodwill there.
I don't go out often but when I do, it always seen like a mighty effort for me but minimal effort for him.
Like I say it's trivial compared to others issues, but really annoying the hell out of me.

I don't think that sounds trivial at all!

He clearly sees you as the default parent and you need to nip it in the bud now before it gets worse. Pull him up on it every time and make sure you get equal amounts of down time

This isn't trivial. At all.

Have you spoken to him about it? His social life/down time is no more important than yours.

Yup - lo is yours on the default setting, it would seem - they are yours unless he chooses to opt in. Ex-dh once thought like that and I had to disabuse him of that notion

But I don't know how to change it? I haven't sorted out childcare for tomorrow & have told him repeatedly he needs to. I am fretting about who will pick LO up from nursery but I don't want to cave. Otherwise, yes I am the default parent. I can't imagine him not picking LO up but can't imagine him not going to work. Eek!

I think he's completely unwilling to see what you're trying to say because he doesn't want the status quo to change.

I would start going for drinks after work in the same way he does - just announce that it's happening. When he then complains, ask him to explain why it's ok for him and not for you. There will probably be some underlying prejudice either about you being a woman, or your job being 'easier' etc.

Maybe you need a night each every other week where it's ok to go out, the rest of the time it's expected you'll both be home and both do the care.

I would also want him to start doing 50% of bath and bed time.

You know that nursery will call you tomorrow not him when he fails to appear.

As does he.

Unless you tell nursery otherwise. And him.

Dammit! Just had a massive row & he has gone to work. I fecking hate leaving it like this. He can't understand why I am blaming him for him being called to work. I wasn't. I was telling him in future if that happens he has to sort childcare immediately.
He said I was being mean as he was ill & run down. He's always fecking ill & run down. I have tried to help him with that but he won't listen.

I have really started to resent him lately.

• The mornings LO is at nursery & he is not at work he can do whatever he wants. Anything. And he chooses to slob about. No exercise, no hobbies, no reading, nothing. He chooses to Sit there on the tablet or Xbox playing games or sleeping. I never have that time. Even if I did I wouldn't know what to do with it.
• I generally get 1 lie in a week. Not always but I would say usually. I will get up around 9, to find the breakfast stuff all out inc milk & marg, LO nappy changed but still in PJ's. As soon as I come down he goes back to bed till lunchtime. I don't get that luxury.
• it dawned on me today that he thinks we have childcare because I work, not because we both work. Something he said today as made me think this but can't remember the exact phrase.
• if I organise a family day out he just moans. Moans about the weather, the other parents, the kids, the food, the cost etc etc etc.

But the worst of it, when his mum comes to stay it's amazing how he can do everything. Look at me mum what an amazing husband & father I am. (She knows his game, she is def on my side on this). He def plays up for an audience. My family think he is great. Real modern man. But he isn't, it's just a show.
God I am pissed ....

It sounds like he hasn't yet worked out that parental responsibility doesn't end at insemination.

He needs to step up his game big time. Definitely don't think about having any more kids til this is sorted.

And agree with a PP I would just start announcing that you're going out for a drink. Maybe get his mum and your mum on side first and let them know they're not expected to drop everything cos he can't be arsed with being a dad.

So we left it this morning that we had stuff to talk about & we will do it over takeaway & a bottle of wine this weekend. There is a truce until then.
I made a list of stuff that's just generally annoying the shit out if me but if I heard it it would just sound like a bit moan list & just hear how crap I am. What do you think?

-: goes back for a nap on the occasions he gets up with LO. The kitchen was shit tip & is never cleared up. I get up most days, clear up the after breakfast & get us both dressed.
:- organise childcare around his shifts. He never has to organise it. He always asks what's the plan on the day which highlights he hasn't thought about childcare.
:- moany on days out & comes across dis interested. I actually prefer days out without him then with him. I think it's coz I think it should be shared but I feel I end up having to placate him as well as LO.
:- rarely engages in leisure time. He is on the iPad whilst TV on. On some occasions he has both & never considers what I may be doing or how boring that is for me.
:- never organises bags ahead of the morning. Never offers to help when he can see I am prepping for the day ahead.
:- he is meant to own dinner. It can be quite hit & miss. Sometimes it's all sorted but sometimes it's quite feasible to come home & find out "not sure what we are having", like I need to fix that.
:- when I get in last, I take over bed time, however when he gets in last, he makes himself something to eat & sits on the sofa. If you were too tired to give LO a bath why couldn't you at least put him in his pj's yesterday?

Just want him to grow up. I am tired of thinking of 3 people. I feel like we had a similar conversation at Xmas but not sure how we got back here.

I was going to say that the common theme in all that is immaturity but you beat me to it.

Surely he must show some initiative at work?

No advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say that my DH behaves in a similar way and it is infuriating. He sees childcare as my domain unless he chooses to 'help me' by doing the occasional bath time. Very very annoying.

You both work long hours (I don't know if the number of hours you work is exactly equal, but both working full-time by the sound of it).

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING else you have to do - running the home, childcare, housework, admin - ALL of it - is therefore your joint and equal responsibility to share fairly. If you're both working, then of the time that remains, you should spend equal amounts on doing all those jobs, and you should get equal amounts as free time.

That's what you need to sit down and explain to him. Of course he doesn't WANT to do more than he's already doing, who does? But you are entitled to ask for fairness and spell it out to him exactly why. If he really, really thinks he shouldn't have to take equal responsibility with you simply because you are a woman than he needs a wake-up call. It's his home, just as much as it's yours. His kids, just as much as yours. His responsibility, just as much as yours.

He will slack off and take the piss because he knows you are there to pick up the slack, and you do. So you need to explain to him that when it comes to things like time spent lying in bed while the other has the kids, you are going to require it to be fair and equal and you are not fgoing to stand for him taking the piss. ANY time he helps himself to a lie-in, drinks after work etc. make sure you claim exactly the same back. So he's tired, so what? I bet you were tired when he did it to you - you just had to suck it up, so does he.

And then tell him that you'll run it by him and check it's OK with him when he does you the same courtesy.

He's taking the piss, but you are letting him and then feeling resentful. Don't let him.

Also do let him know that him not pulling his weight is a turn-off.