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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What was your OH's reaction to suggestion of counselling...

5 replies

Tallulahdoo · 07/04/2015 15:53

Bit of background - together for 20 years, married for 10, two DC. I haven't been 100% happy for quite a few years but carried on plodding along, however of late things are becoming more strained. He irritates me intensely, and I seem to irritate him now - judging by snidy comments and face-pulling I am now noticing. For many years I have not commented on his 'faults', partly due to a misplaced sense of guilt over being a SAHM mum and not contributing much financially to the household. Also partly as he doesn't deal well with criticism and is very defensive, spinning arguments around so it's someone else's fault (i.e. Mine). The result of this is obviously me bottling up resentment, but I've had enough and need to stop this before it's too late (if not already). We're not great at communicating, other than day to day talk about work, kids etc.., so I really don't know how he will take this. I can't imagine that we would be able to objectively discuss our issues ourselves without direction, i.e. A relationship counsellor. I just don't see him agreeing to counselling. For those of you who have been through counselling, what was your OH's reaction when counselling was suggested? I am also a little worried that however we proceed (with counselling or without) there could be hurtful things said that it may be difficult to recover from. I feel like I am at the top of slippery slope that there may be no way back from. There is a small part of me though that has had enough and wants to slide down the slope.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 07/04/2015 16:09

My ex said "Ugh, whatever, if you insist" basically. Sadly I don't have a success story in terms of saving the relationship but it certainly helped me clarify my thoughts and feelings and let me make the decision to leave without feeling guilty or conflicted. We only had two sessions and then I knew it was game over.

Keepithidden · 07/04/2015 17:31

DW cried and said "I didn't think things were that bad". That was two years ago. Things were that bad for me, and still are.

No point dragging someone to counselling if they don't want to go in my opinion.

I went on my own, learnt a lot but it didn't help my (our?) marriage!

Tallulahdoo · 07/04/2015 21:04

Thanks for your replies. They are the possible responses I am expecting, although I really can't gauge whether he's actually bothered by the state of our relationship. Really just need to pluck up the courage to start the conversation.

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pootlebug · 07/04/2015 21:07

In the same boat as you, tallulahdoo. Shit, isn't it?

Tallulahdoo · 07/04/2015 21:47

Totally. Feel like such a chicken for leaving it so long but the fear of the unknown is too great. Whether it would lead to a break up, how it would affect DC, having to sell the house that we've worked so hard to do up... The concerns are never ending. I'm afraid but not upset though, maybe that means something. ..? Like keepithidden, I would contemplate going to counselling alone but don't know if it would achieve anything. Maybe if I could learn to love him again? He works hard for our family so I do feel guilty, then gave a crisis of confidence, but all aspects of our relationship are declining.

Sorry you're in this position pootle, do you think you will suggest counselling to your OH?

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