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Relationships

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Original poster

Can we 'make' ourselves fall back in love?

21 replies

duckbilledplatitudes · 07/04/2015 12:56

Just a quick enquiry that was inspired by another thread, didn't want to hijack that one so starting my own.
Do people feel that in general we can simply 'tell ourselves' to fall back in love with a partner we have fallen out of love with? - just because, for example, intellectually we want things to work out so as not to hurt that person/our families, or because the person is basically a good person and we would feel bad for hurting them? If on paper it looks like there is too much to lose and yet we simply know deep down that our hearts have switched off from that person, that emotionally in some ways we are already leaving them, whether we mean to or not... can we simply 'magic back' the feelings we think we 'should' be experiencing for the person, if we are simply not feeling them?
Won't give away too much of my own situation atm because at this stage I'm just really hoping to get some perspectives on this... thanks...

OP posts:

CheersMedea · 07/04/2015 13:05

No. In a word.

optimisticwriter · 07/04/2015 13:09

For me, it depends on the reasons why feelings of love have waned, and also how far it has progressed.

So assuming that you've both got over-busy with life, not giving each other enough attention but fundamentally like each other and are willing to appreciate each other, I think it is possible. I noticed myself at the early stages of falling away from love (in a very long term relationship) and I started looking for the positives in him (and in me), and I chose to be deliberately kind to him, rather than picking up on every thing that irritated me. It made me feel less critical, much more loving towards him, and the nice things was that it seemed to be reciprocated and improved things all round.

It made it an easier place for me to have constructive conversation about things that did actually bother me, and I felt we had those conversations in a loving atmosphere rather than me feeling it was yet another reason to be annoyed with him.

I think together we went from both of us feeling a bit 'put-upon' and critical of the other, to both of us feeling appreciated and acknowledging difficult things and trying to resolve them together.

Don't think it would have worked if he hadn't been fundamentally a great man, honest, kind, respectful etc, and I don't think it would have worked if we had been critical and resentful for years.

MaybeDoctor · 07/04/2015 13:40

I fell back in love with my DH at one point, so I know it can happen. However, it happened naturally rather than by forcing it - although it occurred following some big changes to how we were living.

I do also believe in optimistic writer's post. You can certainly choose to live in such a way that supports your relationship to grow, rather than to wither away further. It won't be quite the same plant that it once was, but it could still put out new shoots.

tobysmum77 · 07/04/2015 18:10

You can't make yourself no, but having a good time together and laughing helps as relationships have ups and downs. In the wrong situation I also think it's possible to fall out of love with anyone if circumstances make your lives together very difficult.

newstart15 · 07/04/2015 18:56

I think you can and very much agree with optimisticwriter. My husband and I fell out of love because of external stresses and rather than pulling together we became critical and irritable with each other. I can also see this 'stage' in my dsil's marriage as they have 2 small children, financial strains and both in stressful jobs. They (although it is mostly my dsil) are in a cycle of blame and criticism. I know that should the stresses be taken away then they would find their happiness again. They used to laugh and have lots of fun together.

In our case we managed to get through the process and are now back to being a happy couple. Are we as madly in love like the first few years, nope! but we have fun together, are still very affectionate and I appreciate that he is in my life.

I do think that if you got together when you were very young you may have changed too significantly for there to be common ground.

Quitelikely · 07/04/2015 19:12

Yes I believe it's possible.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 07/04/2015 19:19

I am not sure you can just fall back into love as an act of will, but you certainly can fall in love again after a period of not being in love, as the above stories show. It depends on why you are out of love/sync and whether you can recharge that relationship again, I think oftentimes you can especially if there is physical attraction left (am assuming no abuse or awfulness). If you don't fancy them and never will again, I always think these relationships are a bit doomed in the resurrecting love department.

Hathall · 07/04/2015 19:30

I agree with what posters are saying. It depends on why you're not feeling the love and if things changed, would your feelings changed.

I find I feel closer to dh when we spend time together and he does chores and things for me without me asking me, like make me coffee or buy me something. It might sound trivial but when everyday life is busy and stressful, the little things really matter.

33goingon64 · 07/04/2015 19:42

No. I wanted to fall back in love with DH when I had doubts about 2 years ago. Eventually it just happened out of the blue without me forcing it. You have to feel it even if you know it.

sassandfaff · 07/04/2015 20:04

I think it's possible. It has happened to dp and myself. I was adamant I was leaving before Christmas. Had a thread, sought a solicitor. Got papers together, rang to claim benefits, hid documents- the job lot.

Our relationship has been hanging by a thread for years. I think only the stress held us together......

And by that, I mean life was too hard to realise how shit it was.

We have had some monumental talks though. Hard, brutul, truth, no matter what.

We are both really committed to changing too. He has pa tendencies and I have spent a long time being emotionally unavailable.

It is hard, but this is the closest we have ever been. It's quite a different relationship.

It has took a lot of facing up to stuff that has been deeply uncomfortable for both of us, and we keep slipping up by going to our default settings at times, but we are learning to recognise it in ourselves and much more open to the other pointing it out.

I don't think it's something that can be done easily, if there is a lot of issues, or one person isn't interested.

I liken it to a death by a thousand cuts. We were hemorrhaging and plasters were just not going to help. Up until quite recently, we began to think that no matter how much we talked and tried we were hemorrhaging too much, but I think we are both stubborn and refused to quit.

Only time will tell, but even if we don't make it, I have regained trust and respect for him, which I didn't have before Christmas.

Guyropes · 07/04/2015 22:58

No, you can't just tell yourself and it happen... Wouldn't that be easy!

As others have said, it depends why you are out of love. If your ways of thinking and being are so different that you are struggling to connect, it will be challenging to change the way you think and are in order to be able to connect.

If the grind is stopping you from connecting, it is more feasible to change your lifestyle to enable connection

Remember, humans don't mate for life... Swans do, but human relationships are more complex, and there's no good assuming that you will be able to stay together forever, or that it is in everyone's best interests.

Bonsoir · 07/04/2015 23:03

There is no way you can will yourself to fall back in love with someone.

However, love is, IMVHO, very dependent on shared excitement about future projects together. Which can be thought up!

Lweji · 07/04/2015 23:04

I think it may be possible, but it should be a joint effort.

BabyGanoush · 07/04/2015 23:06

if there was attraction/love to start with, it is possible to find it back.

if BOTH people try. You need a lot of 'goodwill" and a bit of "give" in a long term successful relationship IMO

RandomMess · 07/04/2015 23:11

I had emotionally walked away from my DH, when I told him I was leaving (many months later) he eventually wanted to make it work and promised to try and reverse the distance that had occurred over several years.

We are still working on a marriage in recovery but I am more optimistic now 12 months on that there is a real possibility of falling back in love. There is the will from both of us for it to happen and actively working towards giving each other what we need and want.

Murdermysteryreader · 07/04/2015 23:18

There is a really useful book with tips: I love you but I'm not in love with you by Andrew someone. Very insightful about turning things around.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 08/04/2015 00:32

I think you can. I don't think anybody can stay in that honeymoon frame of mind for years. I believe that you both need to decide to stay in love and follow through with the actions required. That's why people care for each other through illness, disability, unemployment, loss and all the other crap that goes with life. Your feelings to DH may wax and wane with time and events, but staying together is an act of discipline, driven by underlying mutual commitment.

BiscuitMillionaire · 08/04/2015 00:52

I recently read about a psychologist's list of 36 questions that can make two strangers fall in love. I wondered if it would work for falling back in love when you've already been intimate. here
(I decided not to read through all the questions, in case I do it with DH one day)

adiposegirl2 · 09/04/2015 11:10

I think its possible, providing both parties have underling goodwill toward each other and can can take responsibility for their own part in the breakdown of the relationship. We all have a part to play...

JaneAustenwashockinglyFugly · 09/04/2015 11:46

SassandFaff -- I could have written your post - it mirrors our experience exactly - except that we did actually separate for a 2 months. And yes Bonsoir - putting back in place the plans for our future dreams is really helping.

GreatAuntDinah · 09/04/2015 12:00

However, love is, IMVHO, very dependent on shared excitement about future projects together

Very true!

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