DP and his parents - is this odd?

[ityoufives]

I just wanted some opinions on whether this kind of relationship with a paretns/s is odd. I feel that it is, but due to my own personal issues with MIL which I won't list here (would take forever and isn't really the point of the post), I think my judgement may possibly be clouded.

My DP's parets are separated, with much bitterness on MIL's side. I find my DP's relationship with his parents very strange. Both parents live 2/3 hours away in opposite directions from my DP. Neither parent has visited my DP for the 4.5 years he has been living in current location. His dad drives pretty much past this location regularly on his way to holiday home, yet he's never called in or even wanted to see where DP lived, and later where me and DP moved to (same area, different road), he also had no interest in visiting then, either. The same goes for his MIL - she has travelled to see friends from time to time around 1/2 hour from where my DP lives, and yet hasn't ever wanted to come and see where he is living. I find this really strange as my parents have a keen, (almost nosey!) interest in my life and wanted to sort things out/help out etc when I have moved somewhere new, and would certainly want to call in had it been en route (same goes for my brother).

Both of them seem to want to see DP when they need him for something, however. For instance, if work needs doing on the house or they want a lift somewhere etc, support at a hosp appointmnet, etc, they will be on the phone asap and essentially guilt trip DP into feeling like he needs to be there. To give a fair view, if DP calls and arranges a visit, they are accomodating, but on their terms. Ie it will only be when they are free, will fit in with their schedule, and so on. They are happy to see me and DP but it just seems so one-sided from what I can see - if we didn't call, I soubt he would hear from them at all unless they needed something.

My DP does not see this. He says he wants to be there, and that 'of course I want to help with x y and z.' I can fully appreciate this. His parents are retired and of course they need him around to help out. My issue lies in the fact that my DP will drop anything and everything to be there for his parents, even at the expense of me and him having plans together. This upsets me because I can see how he is being so used, yet his is oblivious to it. Neother of his parents ever ask about me and him, and when we went on holiday recently, they didn't even ask if he had had a nice time...he jusy had an email from MIL asking him how to set up a tv licence which had ran out.

I love my DP and I hate seeing him treated like this - and I resent the fact that he can't see how selfish they are. Have I been incredibly spoilt as I've grown up, and are his paretns/this relationship normal? I'm not saying that I want to cut them out, and I am willing to go along with visits etc but it would just be nice if he acknlowedged that sometimes he needs to say that WE are busy, WE are working (they are retired), and actually, our schedule is just as important, and probabl ymuch busier. When I mention any of this to him, his response is 'they're old.' They're in their 60s - perfectly fit and healthy and as I've said to DP many times, they manage journeys for holidays and seeing friends, so why not for us, (and more importantly their son)? Have I got a warped/unusual view on what a parent-child relationship should be like?

I think its a very strange attitude that your 60s are 'old'.

Thanks for your responses. Alpaca he does let it inmpose finances at a huge petrol bill on a regular basis (!), but nothing too drastic. I just feel frustrated that my DP thinks this is normal, and I hate watchign him being so used. I've never met 2 people more self-centred. For his birthday last year his mum bought him a donation in his name and a towel...claimimg she had no money. 3 weeks later, had bought herself a new car and ipad. And a month before that he had paid her online dating yearly insallment as he felr sorry for her!

Some parents are like this. There is not one model for all. Some enjoy their retirement and are happy to let there children go once they have flown the nest

Understandable Almostapril, but they're not really letting him go when they have demands on him on a regular basis...?

They probably see it as letting him go and leaving him alone unless they need help. He probably sees it as fine as it doesn't bother him. I have siblings I hardly see. They aren't that interested in what my DC are doing etc One never bothers to visit. Every family is different

My ex would see his mother twice a day every day as she claimed she couldn't cope when his dad died. She coped well enough organise a charity event to climb Machupichu (or however you spell it) and the great wall of china. They have a close relationship, can you cope? I couldn't so left there were other reasons too

Hmm my DH's parents are similar. They are retired (late 50's, both very generous pensions and inheritance) and live abroad and have plenty of spare money for exotic holidays but can't afford to come and see their son and only grandchild. They do, however, expect DH to use up all his annual leave (and any spare money we've got saved for holidays) going to visit them.
It's irritating but I just accept they have other priorities in life and that's the way it is.

My parents rarely visit as they see my house as an extension of my bedroom. It would be like barging into my bedroom without knocking when I was a teenager.

My MIL has never visited our house, but again I see that as a mark of respect.

Does he ever invite them over?

I love my DP and I hate seeing him treated like this - and I resent the fact that he can't see how selfish they are.

If you had been brought up in a family with the mum and dad using you for their needs and then dropping you when they didn't need you, do you think you would be able to see that as "selfish"? Or would you think it was "normal"?

This is his normal. He thinks this is how most families work. He probably thinks your family, by contrast, are horrible enmeshed!

Be wary of this because he will probably unconsciously pattern the same parenting with any children you have together.

I think they sound selfish and uncaring, FWIW.

my DH's parents are like this too. Except they don't call when they need him. They just don't call. They do visit once a year though. It is usually a very short visit.

My dad was like this too. in fact, I always felt if I was in a hospital, He wouldn't come. I had to do all the visiting. He does like it when I visit though.