loneliness, friends, single and not sure what to do....

[creativeme]

Hi, I feel a little strange and embarrassed writing this but I am not sure where to turn to really or where to go apart from possibly therapy which may be my next step or yourselves as you all very helpful.

I turned 40 in February this year and when I turned I felt this overwhelming pain, emotion and depression, as I am still single, no family (children) and live 3 mins away from my mum and dad still. I should have been happy but instead disappointed like I worked myself up to this.

I suffered from anxiety as a child and at the same time have always been quite reserved and quite insular really. This is my biggest concern as I find a lot of people don't quite understand me or I am too sensitive for them as I am not a big drinker and don't tend to drink when my friends ask me to, whilst some say "you are much better fun when you drink!" - charming.

My only true friend is my mum....she just gets me....I have 2 others as well but hardly see them as they all have family.

My father is 71,mum is 68 both are in good health, with my dad slightly slower because of his hip and knee operation 2 years ago and back to playing golf and socialising again. He was housebound for a year.

My mum is very active, sporty and enjoys her lifestyle and has had a good life alongside going to the gym, yoga, pilates and the likes. suffers from high cholesterol and at times gets the shakes and has to sit down....so we are watching her diet as well as how much she does in the daytime too.

I spend most of my time working on my business but other social times are spent seeing my mum, we go walking together, we visit shops, we go to the theatre together and I see them about 4 times a week.

Since hitting 40, my biggest fear is losing my parents, and I am now feeling selfish that its all about how it will effect me, being looked after etc...terrible I know. Relationships havent always been good either with them either being nasty, me being passive, them being distant me being clingy...so I know I need to change. or something needs to change...

I am healthy, go to the gym every other day and love my tennis and skiing too. However I lack confidence when it comes to people, friends and not being made a fool of either which undermines my confidence more. I was picked on at school and have attracted rather abusive colleagues in the past too...I now just avoid them and cut them out of my life as I am sure they can see I am incredibly sensitive but won't come near me now as they have realised I am not reacting.

I would like to rely less on my mum because its not fair on her and she tells me to get out there more, I am trying to....I would also like to move away from my parents as I have never been away from home....even at 20 i struggled at uni and moved back.....so there is a dependency issue i feel.....its like I am 40 but act 20 still...or feel my life hasnt really changed since then emotionally.

any suggestions....therapy?? or build up on my self esteem.....it wrecks my relationships too and since 5 years ago I havent been able to sustain one.

thank you....sorry for the long post.....just looking for suggestions and if anyone else feels the same in their lives too? xx

Just to reassure you, you're not the only one who is older with no children or husband - I'm 38 and really worried that I won't get to have children.
My best friend is 38, childless & going through the early menopause so it's worse for her.

I want to try online dating but my biggest problem is that my mind goes blank on dates! I can happily chat for hours to friends, colleagues, patients, even random strangers but it's like I panic when I meet a nice man!

The fact you go to the gym every day is really good - maybe you should broaden that interest a bit to make new friends. At my gym there are lots of sports classes as well as groups such as running, walking, book group, wine tasting, salsa etc etc. Something for everyone. See if it's the same at your gym.

I think it's nice that you're close to your parents - lots of people I know are to be honest. But it's true that you also need to look for friends & interests away from them because it's healthier to get a balance between family & friends.
I'm quite close to my mum mainly because I've been unwell & she's helped me out, also because sadly she's chosen not to have any female friends. I wish she did have other friends or a boyfriend.
But I have some good friends & I'm friends with my sister.
It's normal to worry about their health at this age I'm afraid. But your parents sound quite ok so don't worry too much.

It sounds like you feel that you haven't ever really "flown the nest" so to speak?

I would suggest trying to find a therapist who specialises in Personal Development. If you have a look on bacp.org you can search by area and speciality.

You said you work on your business a lot: do you work alone? It can be really hard when you don't have colleagues - all of my friend network are people that I've worked with in the past (or currently). So you need to look for other ways to meet people - usually through hobbies. Have a look at meetup.co.uk for local groups who meet in your area. There's so many different types that you're bound to find something that suits you.

I would definitely get the therapy sorted as a priority though because you said you had been drawn to abusive friendships and relationships before, and I think you could probably use some guidance with setting boundaries before you start building healthy relationships.

Hi creative
I read your post and can really empathise with lots of what you say - hugs! The advice from Latara and pocketsaviour sounds really good to me. I have very low self-esteem too and am going to start therapy soon.

Your parents sound lovely by the way, I think what you worry about is a normal concern at this age, but it does sound like they are healthy and active and enjoy having a strong relationship with you.

There is a thread called 'sad and lonely' that I started the other week when feeling terribly down and loads of lovely MNers have posted and we are trying to support each other with the loneliness, so maybe pop on over?

Hello. I have four children and I can relate in that I think my third child (who is still quite young) is a bit of a sensitive introverted type. I can see him staying close to home long-term, as you have. I wonder if you have read either of these two books: Quiet, by Susan Cain, or The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine Aron? They might help you understand/appreciate your personal style better and might offer a few strategies as well. I am quite extroverted but I have always found that my closest friends are often intense introverts, I find that sort of person much more appealing than my own type. Best of luck.

Hi, thank you everyone for your replies. Makes me feel so much better just writing this back and reading what you have said. The personal development sounds a good idea, not something I have ever considered so thank you. I do work alone yes, so I'm at home a good 5 hours a day the rest at the gym or seeing people related to work, but some days Im alone all the time, so that does make me feel quite down as I don't have anyone around me.

I would like to read those books Zillie you have recommended, thank you. you are right, I am very introverted, nervous, anxious and cautious too. I won't do too much unless I know I will feel ok or be ok, its like I don't take risks but will in work weirdly.

my mum is very healthy, bubbly and confident which helps me, thats my issue you see, she is a great source of help. My brother 41, is a taker, we help him to sort things out, he just takes, he never says thank you, its always about him and what he wants, so he a tad different I guess and well we don't help so much, my parents just worry about him and shouldn't be as they still try and help him since he lost his job a week ago....anyway i shouldn't moan about him. He has never hurt me just a taker..!!

Pocketsaviour, boundaries being the word, I don't set any and end up doing too much or saying too much, think more saying and realised now if someone asks me something and I don't know them, I try and hold back, its also a trust thing as someone stabbed me in the back last year and I thought we were friends, now she wants to be friends again, normally I would say yes but its a definite no from me this time....

thank you, i do feel better for writing on here, I will look at the other thread too...x

OP are you at all creative as your username implies? I speak from personal experience that I get a bit pissed off and agitated at times if I haven't done something creative in a while.

It might not help you at all in your case, but sometimes I know that I really need to be creative else I feel I'll go mad; I think it's the temperament.

Hi Mademan, yes you are spot on, I use to paint and write and havent in a while this may help but its more the dancing I am missing too, that may need to come into it at some point again. I know this will help as well as my fitness, but thats a good point and yes I do get frustrated easily. What eases your creativity?

"What eases your creativity?"

Writing mainly, but sometimes photography and Photoshop work.

Dear Creative,

Are you thinking that you would like to make new friends, or that you might like to start having more of a love life?

People who are introverted and sensitive and creative, as you are, are super compelling and often have tons of offer other people in relationships. I guess the main barrier is just starting relationships and getting comfortable enough in them to let your light shine.

You sound absolutely lovely to me. I live in another country but if I lived near to you I would love to come and play tennis, in my case very inexpertly, with you.

XO

I second what Zillie says, creative, you sound a really interesting person with a lot of depth and different passions in your life, I bet you have a lot to offer as a friend/partner.

Have you tried yoga or meditation to help with your nervousness? They might help you feel calmer.

Hi creative.

Your post really resonated with me. I have a similar relationship with my parents. My mum is also my best friend.

I do have a fiancé now. I'm 37 with no children.

I have similar worries re my parents. At Christmas, my single, childless aunt said something that stayed with me. She lost her parents a few years ago - she was very close to them. She said I was determined to live well and be happy after my parents passed because they didn't have me, raise me and support me for me to crumble when they died.

And she seems really happy with some great friends and her dog.

I think you've had some good advice re working on yourself and building relationships.

You sound pretty self-aware and it's good that you recognise now that building a life for yourself is important.

I think you'll be fine :)

mademan hi there, photography and photoshop work, that sounds like some talent you have there, even taking photos on my iPhone seem to come out blurry!!

Hi Zillie both really, more so friends who are similar and then when ready to meet the right person, I have had some really bad endings in the last 6 months to relationships or just meeting men and its made me feel very wary/insecure again so its put me back a few places. I would like to meet others and then build on my confidence which Im hoping may help me or meet the right people maybe.

You are so kind thank you, I love being creative and sporty its just this barrier of confidence, shyness and being introverted which makes me a little insular and insecure with people I meet in case they think, she is too nerdy. I am a real book worm too and read more than I watch TV....Im not too good at tennis lol just started so we would be the same there and would love you to join me too x

patienceisvirtous (great name) no but sounds a good idea, I suffer a lot with anxiety, more so panic attacks and fear of what people say as I don't really communicate well and panic when someone confronts me....I have had this all my life but interestingly someone did mention yoga, mediation and mindfulness does it work? anyone tried it? thank you.

sorry last message was for matroyshka - I'm getting the names mixed up!!

thank you everyone....being creative and deep has its advantages but on the flip side highly sensitive, I must look into those books someone recommended me....xx thank you again.