Doesn't even affect me...Why am I bothered? (OW related nonsense)

[Marmaladybird]

Someone please help me snap out of this. It's ridiculous.

My DP and I are getting married in a few months. We've been together for many years. Five years ago, we drifted and he had a full blown affair (don't know which came first, but I know we had problems, he tried to talk to me and I cut off completely). We split, we got back together and she was right out of the picture romantically. He never moved in with her or anything like that but she was a horror afterwards.

I've made my peace with all of that, no longer want to call OW names or blame her - can actually feel a bit sorry for her with the way it all played out. I'm good. Until today.

I'm looking someone up on FB and her DPs profile comes up, so I click it for a nose, and they got engaged last month. And everyone is saying 'Congrats'. And all I want to do is send him all the correspondence from what she was doing that he's still oblivious to. I want to reply and ask if she's stopped sleeping around now, I wrote a snarky status on my FB and then didn't post it. My blood is boiling. They have a child together who is probably coming up to his 1st birthday. Someone please send me some emergency dignity boosting vibes to stop me acting like an arsehole and looking like an utter tit.

The evil that is Facebook ........

It certainly sounds like she's taking all the blame for your DP's affair? How would you feel if someone posted nasty retorts on his FB at your upcoming nuptials?

Five years ago? You know you are being irrational, have a shake!

Oh, yes, sorry, DONT BE A TIT!

why is your blood boiling? is it because you feel that she's pulling the wool over her husbands eyes? That's completely understandable after what you went through,but honestly let it go now.
There's a possibility he might know already, and they may have worked through it, after all if you and your dp did then why shouldn't they?

Hesterton - I know. I don't want to feel like this at all.

No, Kato, not at all. At first I was angry but it's a long time ago now. I think I just want her to never be happy and I know I'm being an arse.

I would block them both and tighten your own FB settings so nothing of your life is visible to them. You can hide your likes, friends list - the works...

I wonder why you are angry with them but not your partner?

Perhaps her partner thinks you don't know the half of it either. You have decided to move on (which you haven't as you areangry about it) looking at them on facebook and now you are but you don't want them to move on, which is not reasonable at all.

No Fuckup, I think I just begrudge her any happiness all of a sudden and I didn't know i felt that way. It's a bit of a shock to have my insides physically burning...

Thanks, Kato - I needed that.

Well done for not posting the status. But really, don't lower yourself. Think of yourself as having an adult side and a jealous bitter badly behaved child side. And make sure the adult stays in charge.

It's all done, I was angry at my DP at the time. It was all his fault.

I was angry with her for causing a lot of distress AFTER we were back together (stuff that she could have controlled - crank calls, emails etc) but it's all over).

I think it's sour grapes on my part.

Your dp slept with her - no one made him do it. Should she be going ballistic on FB after seeing your news, insisting that you know exact dates and order of events and precisely what he did? You sound like you have some seriously unresolved issues with your dp if you are offloading onto her.

That's the thing though, Base. It really is resolved. I don't hate her but I do hate what he did. I don't wish her any harm but clearly I wish her unhappiness...Hopefully this will fade over the next few hours.

If you can forgive your dp then you can forgive her. You don't need the stress of giving a fuck what she's up to now.

Your OP asks, why am I bothered? You are bothered b/c it is not quite so resolved for you. Possibly everyone else has moved on but you clearly have not. That's not your fault and these are your feelings. Have a quick listen to what you are trying to tell yourself.

Just think, soon you will get to the blissful state of indifference about her. The pain may smart from time to time, but mostly you won't care or even think about her.

How you're feeling now is a stage you'll pass through to get to indifference.

Well done for NOT making a tit of yourself, even though it is very tempting. You know wanting her to be unhappy forever is unreasonable and that's positive. Keep strong and just rant on here!

Perhaps, Base. I don't really feel that way - excited to be getting married, don't really give it much thought anymore. Blind trust has gone (but I'm glad for that) - we are in a good place.

This is just an emotion in me that I don't like - I want her to be miserable and us to be happy. I need to let that go along with all the other stuff I've let go. Maybe there's still a thread of resentment in me (which is horrible).

It's a perfectly normal reaction imo - majestic explains it well.

Block her, and her partner - it will feel weird at first, but it's very liberating in the long run. (Being able to see her life on fb is like a scab you keep going back to pick).

In the meantime - DON'T POST ANYTHING - it just gives people the opportunity to 'question your sanity', accuse you of 'washing your dirty laundry in public' and view you as an 'unhinged doormat'.
(It doesn't matter that your life was ripped apart or that you were so hurt or upset - some people seem to expect that you should completely get over something in the space of a few months, like the characters in a soap opera).

You've moved on, she's moved on- leave it all in the past now, where it belongs.

Thanks, OldestCat.

It's not so bad now, to be honest, I needed somewhere to distract me from trawling through FB and Twitter and attempting to justify writing something snarky.

I no longer want to know - it's thankfully none of my business :)

Thanks Banana - the reasons you mention were how I managed not to post anything.

I'm hotheaded. Luckily I controlled myself.

It happened a long time ago. For all you know she may deeply regret sleeping with a married man. Not that it would make you feel better...

Remember this, if it wasn't her he would have cheated with someone else. She was nothing special, he would have cheated regardless. All that anger should solely be reserved for your husband.

Yes, Rebecca - that's exactly how it is. That's why I don't blame her, I just felt this huge wave of resentment for her happiness this morning and it shocked me.

Stop looking at her FB and Twitter - it will only upset you. And please don't wish her unhappiness - in doing so you are only bringing misery to yourself.