ex lying about ds

[confusedNC]

I'm really pissed off.

Ex just dropped ds off after having him for easter. He was 2 hours late. Told me he was spending easter with brother who lives about hour away. I was away seeing my own family this week returning with ds the day before he'd go to his dad's. My family are a long 4 hour plus drive away. So is ex's mother.

Don't know why ex lied about where ds was. Really annoyed as I wouldn't have done big drive with ds if I'd known he was having another big drive the next day. I think 9 hours driving is too much for 3 year old in two days.

Also annoyed I didn't know where ds was. I know I can't expect to know where he is with ex all time but big difference between not knowing and being lied to.

Suspect it's more controlling behaviour from ex, showing me who is boss.

What would you do about it if anything?

How has he lied

Does your ex know where ds is when he is in your care?

Oh sorry, if not clear . Ex told me he was going to his brother's for the weekend. Brother lives 40 miles away. Instead he went to their mother's. 250 miles away. No idea why he lied but did.

Endler.. Yes I tell him if I'm going away for few days. I even text him to tell him got there safely if it's a long way.

I don't expect to know where he is in detail but to travel to a remote part of country when told me he's specifically told me he's going somewhere else isn't right, surely?

Last minute change of plan?

No, its deliberate. I know him. I don't think I'm articulating this very well then, I'm afraid as you all seem to think I'm being daft to be annoyed.

Never mind. I just needed a vent and not sure how to parent with someone who lies for no reason other than playing daft power games.

Try and detach and shrug your shoulders. Ask him nothing and tell him nothing.

Very hard to stop your ex playing games apart from not engaging with them.

Did your DS have a good time?

Thanks random. Yes have been good at not rising to his needling but this got to me today. I agreed to easter with his dad even though I've missed out on family gathering on my side. Doesn'tmatter how reasonable I am. He just takes the piss.

Just try and hold on to the positive, he's your ex

does it matter?

Thanks random. Yes been feeling very positive about that latel!

Alternative.. Does it matter? I think it is bad he was two hours late and lied to me, yes. Ds is fine, so I know what you mean but I think part of why I'm annoyed is that I've tried hard not to engage with provocation and put ds first, so took laid back view about easter as thought ds would have nice time but ex has to make some sort of point. He throws everything back in my face.

Two hours late is not on. Did he tell you he was running late?

If so, tbh there is not really much you can say, the trip to his mothers is not something worth warring over.

Hopefully you can trust your Ex to take decent/reasonable care of ds in which case you know it's about winding you up.

I think it is bad he was two hours late and lied to me, yes

But does it actually matter? You seem dead easy to wind up. Perhaps if you were less winduppable he would wind you up alot less.

Were you doing anything special today that you came back early from? Or just in the house anyway?

Have you never changed your mind about something?

The worst thing you can do if you want to stop him winding you up is stop getting wound up about these things. Be blase. Laisse faire. Water off a ducks' back. Hence 'does it matter'.

Thanks alternative. I get where you're coming from. I have honestly not been easy to wind up of late. I've been really calm and water off duck's back. he just knows how to push my buttons, and ups the anti. He enjoys any sort of power over me. I am trying hard not to let him. Was perfectly polite at drop ofF.

I will just Carry on ignoring provocation as best I can. I need to remember he's a liar though.

You could try something like this:

'Ex, can I just point out to you something you don't seem to have realised. We're co-parenting. The best way to do that, I think, is mutual respect. I try and keep you in the loop with DS, let you know where we are going, when we've got there safely etc. I think it's the right thing to do, as you're his dad. However, if you can't give me the same respect, and DS the same example of stable co-parenting, then I'll stop doing it for you. And as DS lives with me, that will mean you go from being in the loop to very much out of the loop. Much more so than me, when you simply lie about where he is for a couple of days.

Think ahead. If you want to end up in five years - when maybe both of us are in new relationships, with other children - having absolutely no idea of DS's everyday life with his home family, then just carry on taking the piss. Because all you'll do is make me not give a shit about the fact you're his dad, because I'll think by then that you're a crap one, and I will stop calling, stop informing, stop keeping you in the loop. You'll lose far more than you gain. So just think on.'

Sylvanians..sorry didn't acknowledge your response earlier. It was v helpful. I don't think I'm going to engage with his bullshit right now but the way you've articulated that is really good. Helps to just read it and think it and at some point, maybe I will take that approach. Just now I think I've calmed down and it's better to not give him any reaction.

He may just find I'm less accommodating in future.