Abuse

[Fearless91]

I hope nobody gets the wrong idea here.

In no way am I saying it doesn't happen, I have suffered it myself in a previous relationship, and for those that have been through/are going through an abusive relationship I truly hope you're okay.

But I just can't help thinking that whenever someone posts a thread on this forum, usually at least once someone (sometimes more than 1 person) replies with "oh he's emotionally abusing you".

Personally I think it gets thrown around TOO much.

We're all human, we can all be shitty people at times and hurt those around us, but it doesn't make us abusive.

if I kept having arguments with someone I would reconsider the relationship, but it seems whenever someone posts a thread and says their partner has called them something or treated them a certain way, he's suddenly an abuser.

I just think posters need to be careful about accusing someone they don't know of being an abuser (especially emotional) when they don't even know the full details.

I kind of agree but the thing is, we obviously only get one side of the story here.

So if people say someone's DP is being emotionally abusive, they might be right. However, that's not to say they wouldn't think the OP was emotionally abusive too if they knew both sides of it.

It's the way of internet forums really.

See Also: Anyone of these DEFINITE 'abusers' ( 100 % confirmed, despite not knowing the accused , the accuser, or either of their backgrounds or personal circumstances) is heard to have apologised or tried to make amends after a disagreement -the OP is warned of DEFINITE manipulation, controlling mind games , abusers scripts , continued abuse and not to listen under any circumstances - again without knowing any of the actual human beings involved in the scenarios.

I am in no way condoning abuse, or doubting some of the genuine cases that get put up here. But even the slightest difference of opinion can get tagged as emotional abuse on here. Telling your other half that Take That are shit or that Geordie Shore is shit is NOT emotional abuse.

As the OP says We're all human, we can all be shitty people at times and hurt those around us, but it doesn't make us abusive . Spot On.

Not this one again...

I guess the answer is to point this out on the thread when you spot it?

People post on here for help and advice.

As is the nature of any conversation we only hear one side and one point of view. There are however a lot of 'listeners'. People who lurk. Threads help more than just the OP.

And, as a pp said, if you disagree on a specific thread, then say so.

You are absolutely bang on here. There are a few buzz words/phrases that get bandied around on just about every thread.

Sometimes relationships are not fun, all need work from both sides and alot of posters just seem to flit around with a box full of labels pinning them to everything.

The chances are by the time someone gets the courage to post a thread, they have suffered in their relationship already, and the chances are it can be an abusive one. Folk don't often post here when there aren't problems, and sometimes a small inkling of the full story is apparent in the OP, and then with further questioning a bigger picture emerges with a huge backstory/issues etc.

Agree with Cherry.

Usually there is something behind the original question. It was in my case.

Years ago, I posted about something that I didn't label abuse, but it was part of an abusive pattern. I remember one of my stalwart faves (either AF or Cogito) astutely saying 'there's something else going on here. What's the rest of your relationship like?' No-one rushed to press the EA button, but it started to open my eyes to the pattern. Yes, EA is a label, but it is a very useful one and it might help wake someone up to abuse.

I was in an EA relationship, with my now XH doing the abusive behaviour. I didn't know. I was so groomed to expect someone to punish me for 'mistakes'. It wasn't MN that pointed it out initially. My Relate counsellor mentioned it to me, as if it was something I was already aware of. I was really shocked that he said 'abusive relationship'.

Chances are, victims are conditioned to expect abuse, without knowing it. Denial is obviously very powerful as well.

And there are so many ways to abuse someone emotionally. Plus, it is very, unnervingly common.

I would anticipate that, contrary to the premise of the OP, EA is very much underreported. To that end, I think MN does a very good job of calling it by its proper name. If there are a few 'false positives', then I can't think much harm is done. In that situation, the issue at hand might be peacefully and reasonably resolved, with two reasonable partners. If you have an abusive partner, they will out themselves eventually.

So for the record Fearless, I couldn't disagree with you more...

I've not seen anyone say something is emotional abuse unless the OP talks about cruel/nasty behaviour that is repeated. I don't think people are out of line giving it a label. I think it's maybe because emotional abuse is more common than we imagine.

I have seen people suggest EA when the information given doesn't really suggest that. On the whole though, I think it's usually suggested when it is probably accurate.

Far too much quoting or referring to Lundy Bancroft for my liking though. I don't dislike the book but it's one author and their views and I don't think any book should be treated as a 'Bible'.

I work in MH and have worked with abusers and the abused and am always very wary of the latest 'Bible' as have seen too many in my career that later fall out of favour or are even considered damaging (The courage to heal springs to mind).

Not saying that will happen to Bancroft but am naturally sceptical.

It's very very hard. I have two close family members going through post split therapy because of abuse in the relationship. I know them intimately, and the person who was 'abused' is in fact the abuser. But if they posted here with their version of events they'd have all their false memories and false accusations believed and further entrenched.

We only ever get one side on here. It's just the way it is.

What is the fall out? If someone says "that sounds abusive" to the OP and it isn't, what is the worst that can happen?

Whereas SO many people (myself included) have lightbulb moments when abusive behaviour is called just that.

I agree that the light bulb moment can be really important and helpful for a lot of people.

But the fallout if incorrect is someone being labelled an 'abuser' when they're not and that can be really damaging.

Also, EA by its very nature can be subjective sometimes and there is the risk that emotional abuse becomes a meaningless term if it is attributed inaccurately.