Asperger's and new partner - advice please

[Stroopwafels]

Wasn't sure which section to post in but chose Relationships as the SN seems to focus on children. Please feel free to redirect me though.

I have recently started a relationship with a lovely man, one of the sweetest and most considerate I have known. I suspected from the early days that he has Asperger's and from that moment I have been researching online loads and visiting forums etc.

He 'came out' to me as an Aspie on the phone a couple of days ago, whilst in the middle of what appears to be the first meltdown I have experienced. Stresses at work and issues with his house renovations are getting too much to cope with, and he doesn't think he can be the kind of boyfriend he thinks I want him to be. His declaration that we maybe shouldn't see each other anymore completely threw me off as things had been going so well.

He was crying and not making much sense but kept repeating that he likes me too much to put me through his 'emotional blunderings', so I suggested we end the call, and afterwards I sent him a message saying I like him for who he is, and his challenges are just as much part of him as his special interests and quirks.

I thought perhaps he would message back once he'd calmed down but it's been 2 days of no contact and I really don't want to push him while he's in system overload. I am so worried about him and want to know how he is, and at the same time, I can't think straight myself because I'm so upset that this could be over.

I am preparing myself for the possibility of never hearing from him again (he's deleted me from all social media too), but I really want him to know that I don't need protecting from him and I want to work things out. Everything I've read suggests leaving him alone to withdraw and process his feelings, so I know I have to be patient, but it feels like my life is on hold while I wait.

I understand that if we stayed together, this isn't something that would just go away, and I feel like I will be more emotionally equipped to deal with situations like this in future. I'm just at a bit of a loss about what to do or not do.

I honestly couldn't give a stuff if he can't relate to my feelings. One of the reasons I like him so much is that we could totally be honest and straight with each other about where we stand. No second guessing the other's motives! Plus he loves cuddles and feeds me cheesecake, that's all I need to know I'm cared for.

There is a scenario that seems to have escaped your consideration and that is Aspie or not Aspie maybe he just doesn't want to carry on seeing you.
(Sorry)

You sound a bit full on. How long have you been together?

That is a possibility I have to be willing to accept, but all the way through his ramblings he kept saying how much he likes me but just doesn't know what to focus on right now. It was all a bit garbled to be honest, but I really feel like he wouldn't have been as much of a mess if he genuinely wanted to break up for other reasons.

Since February so not that long really, but I am very much a 'go with the flow' person. There hadn't been declarations of eternal love or anything, we were just enjoying dating and chatting. Things seemed to progress a bit faster than they have with other relationships I've been in, but it felt like the right speed for us. Until this grinding halt of course!

So, about seven or eight weeks then? It's far too soon to try and second guess what he is thinking/feeling because you really don't know him well enough.

It sounds to me like he wanted to end the relationship so I think you should respect that now and move on.

I would give him more time to respond, OP. You've only been 'on hold' for two days, decide what is the period you wouldn't mind 'losing' while waiting, say a couple of weeks. You don't have much to lose by waiting a bit, do you? I have a feeling that he really does like you and will contact once the meltdown is over. But this can take anything from a few days to a couple of weeks.

agree that he wouldn't have been a mess and so emotional if he had reasons other than his meltdown.

I think I'll just have to be patient and let him be whilst getting on with my own life. I couldn't find in my online research what sort of timescale to expect from a meltdown, but I guess it differs between individuals and situations. I sent him a short text today just saying I'm thinking of him and hope he'll be OK. I don't want to pressure him by saying anything that requires a response. (As expected, he hasn't replied anyway.) This isn't my first experience of this kind, I had an Aspie friend at uni who didn't speak to me for a few days after a small miscommunication, (clearly not small to them of course.) I got annoyed back then because I was clueless about autism, but I want my boyfriend to realise I'm trying my best to understand.

I think you are over-thinking this OP.

Rather than thinking the relationship is still 'on' until otherwise signalled, why don't you act as if the relationship is 'off' until otherwise notified? This is not a long relationship and you are completely running your feelings on a hypothetical analysis of his feelings, which may or may not be correct.

If this man was not Asperger's (and I am not anti - my son has AS), you might be running off on flights of fancy about the man's motivation and finding all sorts of reasons as to why you might not have been dumped. But people would come on and say 'you've only been seeing each other 8 weeks, he's dumped you!' I'm not sure why his AS has much to do with this. You are getting far too detailed and research-focussed. Yes, you might have found out about AS, but you don't know that much more about him. You can't fix him any more than you can fix any man that criss-crosses your path for 8 weeks. Are you a fixer by any chance? Is this how your previous relationships have gone?

Sorry if I am being rude, but you seem far too involved in his condition at this early stage. From what you've said, he's had a meltdown, told you he can't cope with this relationship, end of story. Better than many NT men, he has been straight and honest with you and hasn't kept you dangling on a thread. Why can't you now leave it alone and move on? That would be healthier IMHO.

This is what it will be like OP. You will always be wondering and guessing like this. Don't use AS as an excuse for bad behaviour on his part. And google Cassandra complex - you will likely get the blame for thinking too much about it, etc..

However, if this is what you like, give him much longer - I would say at least 2 weeks, then initiate contact again.

I couldn't find in my online research what sort of timescale to expect from a meltdown

Oh dear.

Why don't you put down the instruction manual and get on with your life and if he's that into you he will call you back pretty soon. If not, well at least you only wasted 8 weeks. I am getting the distinct impression that whether he has AS or not, he's finding you a bit intense and full on.

"One of the reasons I like him so much is that we could totally be honest and straight with each other about where we stand."

He's been honest and told you where he stands but you aren't respecting his wishes.

I'm sure you mean well but you're making the mistake of assuming that you know him better than he knows himself.

There is a thread in SN Recommendations for ASD support which you'd be very welcome to post on.

I don't think that this is the same as a "normal" (for want of a better word) dating situation. I think that yes in any other situation you'd take him at his word and leave him be, but I think that you might be right that he's panicking and cutting loose unnecessarily and it would be a good idea to hold off but then get back in contact in a few days or weeks.

The Relationships board can be pretty negative about ASD - understandably as it can be hard to live with. But it's very much a situation where the normal rules don't apply and you do have to learn as you go along a bit. I don't think it is as simple as how things will work in NT relationships. Of course it doesn't mean that you should put up with somebody who makes you unhappy. But I think I'm with you here - that he's panicked and pushed you away because he's afraid that he's getting it all wrong or unable to "do" relationships properly, rather than actually stopping and asking you what your opinion is, which might not have occurred to him at all, he's probably thinking that he's failed some standards he's dreamed up for a relationship and therefore you won't be happy, so he might as well save you the bother. If anything I think it shows that he's compassionate and thoughtful, as he's thought about your feelings and is trying to spare them, even though it is a bit off the mark.

Give it a bit longer. There is a real push and pull with an Aspie in the early days. Also be prepared for a bumpy ride! Good luck.

Thank you Bertie for your understanding response. You've put what I was thinking in a more concise way. I do appreciate everyone's comments, and yes if this was a 'normal' situation then I'd believe I was just getting the royal brush off.

I think my main point is that I am willing to learn about AS, so that I can better understand the difficulties associated with it, but at the same time I know it doesn't define him as a person. And he is a lovely person, very kind, considerate and funny.

I don't think I've been a 'fixer' in previous relationships. My last long term one was 4 years with an emotional blackmailer. That's probably why I find the direct talk so refreshing.

OP you talk about him as if he were your latest 'project'.

He has told you that he wants to end it. That's it. He doesn't need you to 'rescue' him.

Personally, I think you should stop referring to him as 'an Aspie' as it sounds odd to me, don't know what others think.

Aspie is a term used by some people with ASD so it may have been a term he used himself. Others dislike it.

Like everyone, people with ASD are not a homogenous mass :)

He is by no means a project, I would love a relationship with him, no matter how unconventional. I admit I am intrigued by the situation as it's new to me and it's in my nature to want to study topics of interest. but that is just to better my own understanding, not so I can psychoanalyse him. I think a lot of people self-identify as 'aspies' on forums as such but it's probably a matter of personal preference. I just think the word makes it sounds more like being part of an alternative community, rather than having a medical label.

My boyfriend's exact words were "I feel like the more I know you, the more I'm going to hurt you." and "I feel really naive to think I'd developed enough to be able to make something work."

He's clearly very in touch with his own feelings, if not mine.

Man with Asperger's or Aspie? Asper girls and Aspien women. None of the current descriptions sound great really.

My son has Asperger's and went into overdrive when he started seeing his now fiancee. You sound very like her in wanting to understand him. They are very happy now. It can work very well with the two right people.

I have PMed you Stroop. I identify with your description of having read a lot online and can see where it comes from.

Hmm that came out weirdly. I meant, from a place of curiosity/wanting to understand somebody better. Not put him into a box etc.

I've got Aspergers & my partner has it too. In previous relationships with non-Asperger people I've always felt under pressure to conform to their version of 'normality' and it's caused problems. I would just send an email saying you're there if he needs to talk. That takes the pressure off & puts the ball in his court in terms of contacting you if he wants to. Also, he might make a better friend than partner as that would take a lot of pressure off him.

My boyfriend's exact words were "I feel like the more I know you, the more I'm going to hurt you."

That just sounds to me like he's trying to let you down gently because he feels that you are much more invested in the relationship than he is. He may as well have said 'it's not you, it's me.'