Swapping custody weekends

[Mumtumwhatever]

My exH and I current have 50/50 care of our children. This is the first year we have been separated and tensions are high. All of the special holidays (Mother's Day, Father's Day, all birthdays etc) have conveniently fallen on his weekends.

He doesn't celebrate these days but knows I do and has used that knowledge to his advantage. I have tried to brush away my feelings saying that it won't be like that forever and next year those days will land on my weekends but I have just looked at the 2016 calendar and these special days all land on his weekends AGAIN!

Would it seem unreasonable for me to request that we swap weekends starting in 2016 and do so each year or should I just suck it up and look at the really long term?

Even if I made the request he would say 'no'.

From experience, my advice would be to say nothing. Don't ask for anything from him, of any sort, if you can help it. It will leave you feeling anxious and at his mercy. It's a horrible feeling. Just ignore it for now.

Next year might be different between you and you could suggest it then.

That's true. He loves having control over me/the children etc and revels in saying 'no'.

I keep telling myself not to ask him for anything because it blows up in my face.

I know these special days are really just 'days' but I enjoy celebrating them so this is bloody hard.

Honestly, the relief you'll feel when you don't have to wait for the smug text/email is immense.

Nearly 3 years down the line I find that the more I ignore (there is very little for us to discuss luckily now as access is regular and consistent and the money is sorted) the more he does the decent/normal thing.

If I could have given myself any advice 3 years ago, this would have been it. Fairly sure I would have ignored it though as my need to 'win' these battles was through the roof!

Thanks. I just deleted that part of my email to him. As they are just days, I will celebrate on different days.

Unfortunately when I think my ex is being reasonable, it's because he needs something or has an ulterior motive. I am usually a very giving person but I feel with him I alwas have to be on guard because he has taken advantage of this as a result.

His need to win is immense and he's using everything he has.

I guess my 'win' is that I had the courage to leave him and his behaviour since just reinforces my decision.

you want mothering sunday with the children? pretend you are looking forward to mothering sunday lie in without them...

same with birthdays. make out he is doing you a favour by arranging things for them. even if he is not.

whatever he does make out he is doing you a favour he will not know how to play it then.

BlackeyedSusan , follow that advice op.

I had these days written into court order, Like BlackeyedSusan's approach though.

You can make any day a special day.
Take away his power. Don't ask him for anything when you know the answer will be no. If he lives for power and control, just take them away from him.

If tensions are high, I don't think 50-50 is to the benefit of anyone.

I don't think abusive parents should be allowed to see their children.

But the definition of abusive is a difficult one.