Well that's it then. Ex and contact, or lack of.

[NoPsipsinaChocolateOrange]

Ds1's dad has been useless and kept forgetting it was his weekend to see ds, so not turning up, and not letting me know, then getting angry when I said anything about it, like it wasn't his fault and I was so unreasonable.

After a few years of this I decided I'd had enough, and spoke to Ds who said straight off 'let's knock it on the head', without my saying how I felt - so I sent a text saying that we wanted to stop the monthly visit as Ds was fed up of being messed about, and I supported him in this.

This was a month ago; I have not had a response.

He has texted Ds (who is 11) a couple of times, saying how are you, and stating he is working at weekends (bullshit, probably). Ds replies with Hi how are you, or just ignores it. Last text was on Weds saying he is going on hols for 2 weeks, and hopes Ds has a lovely Easter.

I have heard nothing myself. I assume then that this means he doesn't actually give a flying feck about seeing Ds and the new arrangement suits him quite well.

I thought he was making excuses, and it turns out he was. I am so angry.

I hate him lying to Ds. It's always the same - 'Busting to see you, working though, love Dad'. He's not busting to see Ds. If he was, he would turn up instead of getting pissed so he is too hung over, or going on holidays all the time when he is constantly complaining about how poor he is.

And it's a proper holiday, long haul. I am just ranting I suppose. I hate the guy for what he does.

I'm sorry. That really sucks. It's good that your DS has seen through the bullshit, but it's horrible that he's had to :(

Thank you...yes Ds says he doesn't really think about his Dad, not surprising as he didn't see him at all between 18 months and 7 years old.

I did my best to get him into his life but he always resisted.

Time to get your ds a new mobile... And new number..

Leave the other one at home to check once in a while. Having that prick pour lies into ds sms inbox will do harm to his self esteem - set him free and allow him to detach from the fuckwit dad.

Long haul holiday --- does he give you money at all?

You've made the best decision under the circumstances - abandoning the pretence of these visits that never happen. Ds is voting with his feet (or more accurately his fingers) about how much contact he has with his dad.

The guy probably does mean, on a superficial level, that he wants to see your ds. But it went it comes down to a practical, meaningful "getting the shit together to make it happen" level - he can't hack it.

I don't blame you for hating the guy - he sounds like a useless, selfish bastard. Nothing to be done about it, unfortunately - except pity him for being too lazy to appreciate your amazing son properly.

Sometimes we have to do drastic things to protect our children from emotional pain.

In this case I would be stating very firmly in writing to his father strict contact terms. I would advise if these visits were not carried out at the same time and days every month (except in an emergency) that visits and contact would be withdrawn permanently in order to protect the emotional well being of your son. I would also attach a list if the dates he failed to turn up to contact.

What I would tell my child: sometimes in life people are not very nice. They don't realise how this lack of niceness affects others. Therefore you have decided that while dad is behaving this way he will not be a part of your lives. This way we don't have to think about dad and his behaviour. We can learn from it though and make sure we never treat others this way.

Thanks so much for your lovely supportive messages. I've always felt like I was failing Ds by not making it happen.

When you have a few years behind you, you can start to see the pattern repeating itself - no matter if I try and argue with him, it might improve briefly and then he goes back to the bullshit. He used to turn up drunk sometimes, I sent him home one time he was paralytic(sp) and stopped visits for 6 months.

He gives us £20 a week through the CSA but isn't happy about it. It was 10 till about a year ago when I asked them to review it - he told them he earns £100 a week, which is not the case.

Honestly I wish I had never bothered to try and get him to see Ds. He never really wanted to make the effort.

You've done the best thing you can, and I think your DS is lucky to have such a lovely mum on his side From experience I can tell you that these nobber 'Dads' don't get any better, and your DS sounds like he is already detaching himself emotionally, which, sadly, is probably the healthiest thing he can do.

Ds is very - what he calls, gullible. I told him that no, he isn't - he's just very nice and a lovely lad and he accepts what people say at face value, so if you are being lied to, you might not realise. I told him I hate to see anyone lie to him.

his dad is very pleasant on a face to face basis, says the right things to ds, but he makes a lot of empty promises - he would paint ds's room, he would work on an old car with him, ds would meet his half sister (he promised that 4 years ago, and it has never happened)

Ds is just too nice.

I'm a bit worried about when his granny wants to see him though - I assume I will hear from ex at that stage, and I will want to allow it as Granny is very nice. But I have never met her and ex will have to be involved in setting it up.

You've absolutely done your best by your son. It was/is your ex's choice to do the same and he hasn't.

You've carried on supporting your son come what may and you've never stood in the way of access. There's nothing else that you can do. I imagine you've been very gentle with your son in trying to explain or making excuses for his dad and I think that when your son says that he 'doesn't think of his dad', it's self-preservation, sort of along the lines of 'fake it till you make it', it's an inbuilt need to protect ourselves.

Your ex will be sorry one day - or he won't, but he'll never be able to convince himself deep down or his son (at all) that he was a good dad. You are your son's constant and he has that security always. You're doing the very best for him and I can imagine how bloody hard that is whilst watching your ex take the absolute mickey with his contributions.

I see what you are saying about granny but I would deal with her directly or cut the lot of them completely off.

Thank you...I have not been the best Mum but I am here, yes. I think with the Granny thing, Ds has only met her twice and she lives a little way away, but she writes to him or sends a small present at Christmas etc. so that could continue.

I said in the text that Ds could still see her whenever ex likes. But I imagine ex has probably told his whole family that I have stopped contact and he did nothing wrong, etc etc. He likes to keep everyone separate so no one can compare notes on what he is saying, I think - that's why we have never met his daughter properly.

Honestly I don't know why I put up with it for so long. I think I was invested in still getting along with him for years, but now I think of him with contempt. It is liberating not to even want him around any more tbh.

Onwards and upwards. Even his family won't be thinking that the sun shines out of his bum, even if they're on his side (blood/water thing). His son is his blood too and they'll be wondering why he's not making an effort... it won't wash, you know. Then they'll start wondering whether you are really being as awkward as he's telling them...

In the meantime, you'll be moving forwards, doing things to cement your family without him and having a rare old time more and more often as you get used to being the fabulous woman and mum that you obviously are.

I would deal with Granny direct. Seems a shame she doesn't get to see ds just because her son is a useless tosser.

You probably didn't do yourself any favours by trying to make the contact happen - your ex is a grown man (despite behaviour of a child) and he will do as he chooses, as you have now accepted.

I think your ds can't help but be 'gullible' at 11, of course he wants to be able to believe that people are telling him the truth. Mainly because they should be! The main thing is that he doesn't feel it's his fault that his dad is useless at keeping in contact. Without obviously going overboard on listing his faults obviously! But some polite fiction, e.g. 'dad is very forgetful'.

Yes, he wants to think the best of everyone especially his Dad. I feel like I have got him into this spot, and ex is treating Ds like he treated me for many years so I have to do whatever I can to try and protect Ds, and help him get to grips with it.

Thanks again, I feel a bit better about it now.

Leaving the ball in dad's court to arrange contact is definitely the best thing you can do. It sounds like the dad has a significant alcohol problem as well - when your ds is a bit older I might mention that, if only to highlight why alcohol can be a bad thing.

Yes, he does. It's really sad. I put up with it for years but am so glad he left when ds was a baby as it would have been even more damaging.

Ds is aware of this and we have had some frank discussions about it. I think he will likely never change, he is married to someone and she also drinks a great deal so that's one less reason to change I think.

He will never be there and despite his words, his actions make this very clear. So it's probably best to leave it in his court and resist any attempts to restart the farcical monthly visit that rarely took place.

A different situation, buy my dd's father was definitely full of the same bullshit, saying one thing and doing another and playing the poor mouth about child support while living the high life. She survived quite well, despite him.

Maybe it is a good time to talk to your son about how love is about actions not words.

Very similar situation of mine, so I completely get it. It's so frustrating being the one who makes the effort, only with the child in mind of course. My useless ex hasn't contacted DD in 10 days and she hasn't even asked. Only recently I decided to stop messaging him to ask if and when he was picking her up.

Even though he brings nothing good to her life I can't actively tell him not to see her, there's a little voice in me telling me she will be angry at me if she ever found out as a grown up, and believe me, he would tell her the first chance he got.

Good that you are free from that trouble (that's all he is), your DS knows he's got all he needs right at home :)