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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why am i accepting this??

50 replies

Wherestherealme · 06/04/2015 11:54

Exdp is emotionally physically and verbally abusive. He torments me whenever it suits me. Just this morning he ds's bag at me a bowl of cereal that was on the table and screwed my face up. All because a man in the pub told him i had spoke to him at school pick up, i did speak to him i asked about his sister and her wedding, but exdp is now claiming i chat men up in the school yard!!!! I wasnt allowed to speak to anyone or go anywhere. I didnt tell exdp i had spoke to the man as he would kick off like he has done.
I cant take anymore for the last 5yrs i have been ground down and now im at the point where i have wrote suicide notes and gathered all the tablets i can find.

OP posts:

hesterton · 08/04/2015 07:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Wherestherealme · 08/04/2015 07:48

The car is back i went to the loo after posting and the car is back on my drive!! This is all part of his games..

The house is in my name as are all the bills.
Its alot easier to answer the phone to him as the hassle i get if i ignore him is hell.

I want to break the cycle, i dont want another 5yrs of this. He tells me im nuts and paranoid and i want to get my head tested. Im only like that because of him

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 08/04/2015 07:54

Change the locks and contact a solicitor. Stop engaging with this abusive man.

Peacocklady · 08/04/2015 08:12

His words hold absolutely no truth so try not to listen to them. He is simply throwing words at you like weapons to hurt you and get your attention- by making things up or twisting scraps of information. Tell your mind there is no point looking for the justice or reason as there is none.
Well done for throwing him out. Great news there are no financial ties.
Next time he does some attention seeking don't react, or give a non committal response, eg this bullshit about having an affair just say "yes dear of course I am".
He doesn't get to tell you what to do anymore!

Aussiemum78 · 08/04/2015 08:25

If the car is in your name, report it stolen if he takes it.

I think you need to lay firm boundaries. You are broken up, apart from discussing ds and access, you are no longer required to speak about anything else.

Cherryapple1 · 08/04/2015 08:36

Please change the locks, change your phone number, make sure he has no carkeys too. And stop speaking to him. Have you spoken to Women's Aid yet?

tribpot · 08/04/2015 08:56

It isn't easier in the long run to answer the phone to him. You need to break the cycle.

Is it your car or his?

pictish · 08/04/2015 09:01

Go to the police darling. He is harassing you.

He cannot come into your home and assault you...he is breaking the law. He is harassing you and has assaulted you and you are in real danger from this man! He may well end up really hurting you...or worse!!

You do not have to accept being harassed for the sake of your child. No one expects that of you.

The right thing to do is report him to the police. I know that's a scary thought and seems huge but he needs to understand that he may not do these things to you.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/04/2015 15:08

I will repeat what others have said.
Contact Womens Aid and the police.
Report this nasty piece of work.
He is threatening and violent.
Get it logged. Call 101 now and ask for the DV team.
You can get help and you can get him to stay away but you will need professional help to do this.
Womens Aid and Police - pronto!

pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 15:14

Did he grab you by the face?? I missed that initially. Please report that to 101, OP. It must have been so distressing for your child to witness (not to mention distressing to you of course.) If you get this logged you will be in a better position to have him warned off if he escalates. Make sure you tell them about the threats, and about the car. He could probably be arrested for TWOC right now.

Does he have a key to the house? If so, arrange to have the locks changed asap. Not sure about car locks but if you contact your car insurers and ask what cover there is for lost keys, you might be able to have them replaced for a small fee, so he can't pull that bullshit again.

Please do call Womens Aid, I think you are minimising the danger this man poses.

43percentburnt · 08/04/2015 20:47

Hi how are you today?

He is making it hard for you to not be with him. Whilst he is headfucking with you, you feel it is a quieter life being together. It's deliberate.

You are not mad, he is gaslighting.

You can cope, you are normal. You are very lucky the house is in your name, this helps you a lot.

i too am concerned you are downplaying his behaviour.

Original poster

Wherestherealme · 09/04/2015 07:58

Im not down playing his behaviour, i no how bad this is i really do. 5yrs is a long time and i guess ive just been brainwashed.

Getting the police involved will be like opening a massive can of worms, ive been through an abusive relationship before and i involved the police then who involved social services. I cant face it again. Im sorry if thats the wrong answer.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 09/04/2015 08:04

So what's your plan?

Vivacia · 09/04/2015 08:07

(Also, what's so wrong with getting the social services involved - perhaps it's help and guidance you could do with?).

pictish · 09/04/2015 09:52

So how do you plan to make him understand he can't come into your house and grab your face? By telling him? He's not going to listen.
If the guy already feels at liberty to do as he does, then we can ascertain that he's not a reasonable person.

pictish · 09/04/2015 10:12

My point being, I don't think you will be able to deal with this by yourself. He thinks he is allowed to attack you over his extreme jealousy and control issues. He does attack you over his extreme jealousy and control issues.

I have no doubt at all that you have made your feelings about his treatment of you clear many times. He knows you are scared and upset. He sees as much when he behaves badly towards you. He will have seen your fear and your tears....he will have heard you expressing your anguish and attempting to sort things out by way of rationale.
He's not interested and he doesn't care. He thinks he is justified. There is no reasoning on a civil level with someone like him. You are going to need the law to act on your behalf to get rid of him.

pictish · 09/04/2015 10:52

Seriously...he is far gone. Is it going to take a hospital stay for you to realise how dangerous he is? Do the kids have to be utterly traumatised before you will take action?

He has given you all the warning you need. He has shown you how he thinks and to what lengths he will go, to retain his control.

Exdp is emotionally physically and verbally abusive. He torments me whenever it suits

He is openly indulging in criminal behaviour here and it will only escalate.

pocketsaviour · 09/04/2015 10:56

OP, if you don't feel up to phoning the police, could you call Womens Aid and just get some advice and support?

pictish · 09/04/2015 10:57

And I don't want to be one of those pushy posters demanding you call the police this minute. I know that's not going to happen.

I just want you to think of it as I do. You say you've been brainwashed. The fact that you are aware of that is great. It means you have the capacity to see things objectively.
You and your kids are at risk from this man.

pictish · 09/04/2015 10:58

Yes...a talk with Women's Aid would be a really good move.

TendonQueen · 09/04/2015 11:07

You can't fix this on your own. It's ok to get help in dealing with a bully which is what he is. Ring Women's Aid first off. The number was given earlier in the thread. They will have heard it all before and can advise you.

Cherryapple1 · 09/04/2015 11:10

You can't face seeking help - how could that be worse than what you are dealing with now. You don't really have any choice do you? What if kids tell a teacher, or a neighbour calls 999?

Hissy · 09/04/2015 18:59

Get this man out of your lives NOW.

No SS. Just woman's aid and a non mol.

alwaysstaytoolong · 09/04/2015 19:47

OP. I do not in any way mean this harshly or wanting you to feel guilty because none of this is your fault at all.

But the Police and social services need to be involved. You have been ground down by years of abuse but you are not able/feel strong enough to protect your children from this.

And someone needs to protect your children when you are not able to. They won't be taken from you if you put boundaries (with Police/SS help) in place with your ex but this is a 'can of worms' that needs opening. If you don't feel strong enough to do it for yourself - do it for your kid/kids.

I have worked with abusive men and this is in no way an excuse but SO many of them grew up where domestic abuse was what they saw and experienced.

It is so sadly a cycle of abuse. Please stop it now.

43percentburnt · 10/04/2015 21:04

Hi op, how are you today?

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