Worried it will be too late...

[lunalelle]

Haven't bothered to nc for this...

My question for the panel is this: I am 37. Two DC with my first husband who are much older and don't live with us the majority of the time.

I know current DH definitely wants children - he even went so far as to have a 'serious talk' with me to check I wanted more kids when we got engaged. However, we have had a difficult 18 months or so with a bit of tension from various sources in our marriage, and some financial worries linked to me being out of work for six months until recently. Things seem ok now, but he says he thinks we should wait another year before trying.

I am frustrated by this as my biological clock is ticking very loudly for me these days and I get the impression he thinks you get pregnant the moment you stop using condoms. I'm getting more and more stressed out, and jealous when I see other women having babies. I do think that, logically, he is right when he says we should wait until we have some more savings and paid off a couple of debts but at the same time, it is really depressing.

Has anyone been in this situation and how did you cope?

I feel your anguish! I'm 35 and have had another long awaited child (I have older DC too). Things aren't right in our relationship either, I packed my bags tonight. Could you freeze your eggs? It's scary starting afresh if the situation's not right.

The relationship is ok, tension was just usual life stuff really but hasn't been brilliant to go through, especially unexpectedly losing my income.

Sorry to hear you have packed your bags, things must be quite difficult indeed xx

I haven't been in your situation but your DH is deluded if he thinks you can just stop contraception and produce a pregnancy to order. Does he have any information on the subject? I would recommend a joint trip to the doctor for prenatal advice so he understands how fertility declines. There is a test you can have which gives you info on how your ovaries are aging which could be worth paying for if you are really considering waiting. By 'children' how many does he want? If it was one then ok, you might have some time to play with. If it's three....

I don't have children, but I know from my experiences elsewhere that sometimes there just isn't a "best perfect time" for things and you just have to do the stuff you want in life.

"I do think that, logically, he is right when he says we should wait until we have some more savings and paid off a couple of debts"

How much savings do you want/need? Who's to say you won't pay those debts off, but then incur other debts in a years time? A lot of people have financial worries, but if you're not absolutely struggling then you might be okay.

If you can realistically and sensibly afford another child now then I'd be tempted to have another serious talk with him about starting TTC as soon as possible if that's what you both want.

I know - I have tried to tell him this! He is a bit oblivious to women's health generally, though, and just points out that his Mum had him at 40. My Mum and sister also gave birth successfully over 40 but I am very worried by the risks. He's really laid back generally, but I do think he is being too much so on this issue!

He would like one additional child as he gets on very well with my other two. I'd rather like two more but willing to see how it goes!

Good luck lunalelle! Sorry to be doom and gloom, before all this I'd agree with the other poster that "there's never a perfect time?" I'm projecting - sorry.xx

I'd crack on with it if I were you. There's no guarantee it's going to happen quickly and there's never a 'right' time to afford DC.

I really want to, just how to convince him we should? :)

Could you tell him that it's likely it'll take you at least a few months to conceive, then nine months before the baby arrives, so it's a year anyway? And you'd spend that year with a well thought out and doable plan to get your finances in order?

Get on the net and show him some cold hard facts about women's fertility.

Are you definitely sure that he does still want children and isn't having second thoughts about another one? I know you've said he does and that he had a serious talk about it when you got engaged, but has there been anything happen during your 'difficult' 18 months to change his mind?

Just wondering whether the money issues are a possible excuse to delay things.

I agree with Ratfink about maybe showing him the "cold hard facts about women's fertility."