Just found out that my ex died

[ceecee32]

Just writing this down really - not sure why...I was divorced 25 years ago from an EA loser. He put me down for all of our married and took all my confidence and self-worth away from me, leaving me nearly £30k in debt. I have worked hard to get myself sorted out and although I have never met anyone else at least I know I will never be treated like that ever again.

For some strange reason I googled his name today - never done it before - and found out that he died just over a year ago. He died in poverty, alone, using food banks for food, no money for electricity an alcoholic by the sounds of things. His body wasn't found for over a week.

None of this surprises me to be honest - but I am just a bit unsure what I am supposed to think. I don't feel sorry, but then should I ? Should I have some feelings or not, will I feel bad for not being sorry?

This is really confusing and I don't expect any answers, just wanted to write it down. I have even thought that perhaps I might meet someone now- perhaps I can rid myself of that worthless feeling that he left me with 25 years ago.

25 years is a long time. maybe talking about this with family or friends or a counsellor could give you more clarity about your own feelings.

I'm sorry. Even if things ended so badly, there was obviously once a good connection between you. You're bound to feel odd/strange/unsure about the whole thing.

There's no one way to grieve (and you will be grieving, even if he made you very unhappy). Just be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes.

Thank you both. I just feel a bit strange to be honest, and I don't want it to get any worse. Hoping that just writing it down here will be enough. Only got my mum (whose 83). I might tell her when I see her - It doesn't seem important enough to ring her.

How about calling the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90.

Just talk to them.

Or you can just talk here and try and process your feelings. I can totally why the news has made you feel strange ceecee I'm off to bed but will check back tomorrow.

Go easy on yourself, you're in unchartered territory really

I saw an exs death notice in the paper a while back....he'd ended up a drug addict, and I assume that was what killed him, although I don't know for sure. There is a rehab centre not too far away from where I live now, and I'd seen him at our local shop a couple of times a few years ago - the only reason he could have been there would have been the rehab place. He was painfully thin and either didn't recognise me, or chose to pretend that he didn't. I wasn't overly surprised to see he'd died, but it did knock me back on my feet a bit...he was only in his early forties. His mums death notice was in the paper this week, which made me feel sad for how her last few years must have been.
I understand how you feel op, it conjures up some very mixed emotions.

I can imagine this brings up strong feelings, and ones that aren't easy to categorise. Sometimes a strong emotion hits and it's not so easy to say, "I am angry' or 'I am relieved.' It's so much more complicated than that.

However much time has passed, you had a strong emotional connection to this man, made up of love, initially, then fear, or despair , then relief to get away...a death kind of brings it all back in one big lump.

I agree with BIwi - allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, and it may change moment to moment. Above all, be kind to yourself.

I wonder if your feelings are a combination of shock, grief and mourning for what might have been.

First, any news of an ex that you hadn't thought of for a while can be shocking. Imagine if you had found out he was happily married to a wealthy woman with a brood of kids. That may have shocked you just as much. The mere fact of new information can be disturbing

Second, even if he was EA, you once had feelings for him and he shared your life. It would be normal to still feel grief or at least some sadness at his death and the manner of his death. Hell, I don't even know him and I think that's a pretty grim and sad end for anyone. Also perhaps rationally you don't want to feel grief because he was EA and so are trying to intellectually supress an emotion you feel you shouldn't be feeling. And this internal conflict is causing you subconcious angst as you are trying to reconcile the rational and the emotional.

Third, there may be again a subconcious part of you that harks back to when (I assume there was such a time) you were happy at the start before the EA started. And if he hadn't xyz and if you hadn't abc, that your lives together could have been different; you could have been happy together and he wouldn't have ended like this. The sadness that goes with the fantasy picture you once had may have been re-activated.

Oh my God, my heart really sank there as I thought this was a post from a lovely lady that posted here recently.
I think that if you have accepted it and feel no regret or sorrow, then you should be thankful for this and move on with rebuilding your life.
It would be silly to feel guilt for having no guilt.
Kath x

Anything you feel is perfectly normal. However bad he was, however long ago you were a couple, you have a connection. Grieve for what you once had, and for who he could have been.

I remember finding my Ex fiance had died. He cheated on me and a lots more.

It is a bit of a shock... Feel whatever you feel is ok. I spoke to a Health care professional when I was concerned I didn't grieve when my Dad died..He was abusive. I can't remember what he said ( not helpful I know) but it was along the lines of I had already grieved for what I had lost.

you may well be in a bit of shock. Be gentle with yourself.

Hi everyone, thank you all for your messages. I have had a good nights sleep and if anything this morning I feel relieved.
Relieved for me that its all over, that he will never find me and threaten suicide again after saying that he could not live without me.

I do feel a bit bad that I don't feel sorry or guilty or whatever name you want to give it, and that's the bit that is confusing me slightly

I did all my grieving for what might have been many years ago and I just feel that finally its over.

It did help to write it down on here.
Thank you

Kath