Emotional abuse. Would leave the husband, but where can I go with 3 children?

[AngrySquirrel]

He constantly insulting me and make me feel bad. Deliberately make things what destroy all my plans. Shorter - I'm fed up with everything, want to leave him, but where can I go?

1. Landlords do not want tenants with children
2. and DSS
3. My parents passed away long time ago, in case anybody is thinking I could go back to them.
4. Can't (don't want) change the borough, because of children schools.

I stuck in a situation.

Can't believe, after 20 years living together I'm writing that. He was wonderful husband and dad. Everything changed ~2 years ago. He stopped working, as self employed, he is working only few days/month. For any children need there is only one answer - no money. I wasn't working long time, as unfortunately, my 2 small children were attending 2 different primary schools, 1.5 miles from each other. All that time I was studying, didn't want to waste time sitting at home and doing nothing. Firstly, I studied English, then I completed the courses what are required to make my education equivalent to the UK uni requirements. I had huge ambitions.
Now, my middle one started secondary school. I was looking for a job which could meet my qualification. It is not something unreal and impossible - I am able to work as a health care assistant. However, the success did not happen. I started to work as a cleaner, 20h/week, £6.5/h.
Mornings before child's school start and after I pick him up. I dont have any big needs, only want to make my children happy. In one month, we went to play bowling for a very thirst time, that was because my children friends already got bored with this game, and my children had no idea what they need to do, so even did not want to go to their friends parties at such places. Weird?
I stopped volunteering in the hospital, what I really loved... Why? If you need to choose for what I can spend the money - buying some milk or bus ticket, I'd buy milk. For children, I don't want even a drop of it.

Some years ago, I remember myself leaving the house and going to the rails thinking about suicide . Brought the passport, for easier recognition. One of children stopped me not knowing what I'm going to do. Then something changed in my head, I only live for them, they are my eyes bright, would do anything for them.

Can't write anything else at the moment to make the situation more clear. To emotional. Hurt too much.

I apologise for the mistakes, English is my 3rd language and still not mastered it.

Hi Squirrel

You're English is good enough for me to understand how miserable you are with your situation.

0808 2000 247 is the number for Womensaid. They are very busy, but if you can't get through by phone you can email them. Hopefully they'll respond quite quickly. They'll be able to advise on how to plan ahead. Listen to them.

Go and see your GP and tell him/her how depressed you are by your situation. That gets something logged with the authorities.

How old is your youngest? You might be able to get your Health Visitor involved too.

Thinking of you

Thank you!!! I'll email them, I'm not feeling confident speaking by phone.
Also I need to register to a new GP as my doctor retired recently.
Don't actually know how I would be able to speak to the doctor about myself, as I am always alright for others. Strong and cheerful. Yes, I am strong, I can cope with my depression, because my children make me strong. I know very well what kind of life is without mum, I was only 17 when she suddenly passed away in 3 days after sepsis.
Also, what if GP report about the situation to social services? I don't want them involved. I am scared. That would kill me.
My smallest child is already 9 years old. DD is 12, and the oldest is 19 . He is a student, working a few hours/week, but still needs my financial support.
Also, I am so scared to make that changes, because my husband's earnings a day would be bigger than mine a week. He might start avenge to me. Something like:
Last week I brought my 2 youngest to KFC very first time in their life. The reason - when their friends are talking about their favourite food at KFC, my children were how living under the rock, never tried. So, my husband might start bringing them to much more expensive places, which I'd never afford. And basically might buy them making such impressions, that with him, would be much better than with me. They are not stupid, but they are just children.

I've just become a single mother, so I can advise a bit on the financial side.

If you work a 20 hour week you will better off financially on benefits as a single mother than with your husband. You can leave him and apply for housing benefit and some other benefits to help you until you are able to work properly.
It's obvious you are ambitious and hard working but your husband is making it impossible for you to achieve your potential.

It also sounds like your husband is not giving you enough money to do ordinary things with the children that other families are able to do. I think this is what you meant when you said your children had no idea what to do.
It sounds very sad, you sound so sad too. You can leave and lead a good life, a better life, without your husband.

I know you said you did not want to change areas because of the children's school. But you may have to. There are a lot of landlords who will take DSS, but the places go very quickly.

Do you and your husband own your home, or do you rent it? If you own it, then it's possible he could leave and you could stay in the home until the children finish school. Womens Aid can advise you more on that.

Sakura,
Yeah, I just tried online benefit calculator, that would be enough for our basic needs. Financial side is worrying me the least.

We didn't do many things, my husband always was saying - we don't have enough money, not now, maybe later. And I was waiting... The time flies, children are growing up... Still remember, two years ago, DD (then ~10y) and I went to Costa coffee and I bought her a cup of hot chocolate. Mum, look what a long spoon!!! She had never been in a cafe before.

It is not an excuse, I really could not work because of children. My third one was born when I was 30. Until that time I already had 15 years working full time experience with 2 months break and maternity leave. That says a lot. I'm not afraid of work. One day I'll be able to work full time again.

I was hoping it is just our family crisis, we can overcome that, he is not a bad person, just maybe hates me :( . I loved him so much... Now everything is too much. Need to do something.

Pocketsaviour,

We rent a small flat. Anyway we need to find a new home, the landlord is selling the flat and we are going to be evicted. I was waiting for this to happen, thought - extra difficulties might reconnect us.

Moving out of the borough would be a total nightmare. Well, I can move anywhere, but the access to schools should be not too difficult as I would never change the secondary (DD). Little one is finishing Primary in 2 years, so, they could commute together (heart breaking, they are still babies for me despite that they are very independent kids).
I'm working in the same area, so I'd need to commute with them now, only would lose the morning shift.

I asked many times my husband to leave us. He would never do that as he knows well - he is nothing without me. I was his power in his best days, until he fully poisoned me with all his negative. Until I came back from the rails(mentioned in 1 post). Now I only concentrate on my kids. They need me more.

No they don't leave. They enjoy things just the way they are.

Lawyers seem to advise that you stay in the home, then apply for divorce but this may drive your insane while you wait for the divorce and men become very abusive during this time. Sometimes you can apply for benefits by stating you are separated but living together. However this seems very dodgy to me and the benefits office may simply not believe you.

Most women do leave and just try to make a new life elsewhere with the children. I assume you don't have any savings? DO NOT leave the home without the children in the belief that you can set yourself up somewhere first then get them to come with you. Don't even leave the family home for one night. As a foreigner you are more vulnerable than the average woman here.

Sorry, I meant "Most women end up leaving themselves"