How to detach from my divorce

[Ambivalence]

My husband and I separated in January, and he has gone back to his home country (Holland) and we are getting a divorce.

I am 23 weeks pregnant with my first, and trying to manage my stress levels for a healthy pregnancy, but can't stop thinking about my marriage breakdown and stressing about the divorce, how long it will take, what arrangements he will want for contact with the baby etc.

It is the first thing I think about when I wake up each morning, and I know it is it healthy. I know I need to detach from this all, but I just don't know how. Can anyone offer me some advice please ?

Correction -I know it is not healthy for me to be brooding on this, but can't seem to stop myself.

Am trying mindfulness meditations, but can't get rid of the intrusive thoughts ...

I think it's perfectly natural you'd be like this!

The only way to get through it is to have solid information. Speculating will keep your brain whirring. Can you start taking steps towards finalising everything -- get a solicitor, draw up the arrangements, agree on access/money?

I have a solicitor, who has filed the divorce petition, we have a prenup (thank God -as I am the only one with assests, once we married, he stopped working ), it was a shirt marriage -only 2 years so he is unlikely to succeed in any financial claims.

I don't want to go through solicitors for access - every 6 minutes call or email to mine costs me £20, he isn't worried about legal fees as his mum is paying his. He has cost me hundreds of pounds in additional costs by being slow to give instructions /delaying things and my family are advised me to just accept it will take the time it will take with him and trying to speed him up is not working, and juts costing me more.

I want to agree access informally with him, as I know that it is likely to change rapidly when the baby is so small anyway. I justo don't know what's access would be normal. I really don't want to see him ever again, but realise that's is unrealistic. I am worried about seeing him after the birth though -I am at high risk of postnatal psychosis because I am diagnosed with bipolar (although well controlled for 20 years), and seeing him will be stressful.

He absolutely doesn't care about the stress he is causing me during my pregnancy -he is only thinking about himself, which is why I need to detach from this, because I have no influence and he doesn't listen to my pleas to just engage with his solicitor and sort things out so at least the divorce can be done before baby is born and that is one less thing for me to stress about . I do feel this is influencing my health, and I worry about the impact on my baby with me being tearful etc all the time...

I think you'll have to have access arrangements in the divorce agreement. We did, it was called "Arrangements for Children" (I think) and came just before the financial stuff.

If he really won't cooperate, would he sign a Separation Agreement instead? Then after 2 years of living separately, you san divorce very easily if he agrees; if he doesn't agree, you can divorce him on your own after 5 years of living separately.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Are you still on your bipolar medication through the pregnancy?

Going through similar. Dickhead left in December. I'm now 29 weeks pregnant.

I can't actually divorce him until November . Which means divorcing with a small baby plus 2 others.

I don't have much advice, but I did realise when I woke this morning, he is no longer invading my mind space like he (or rather the situation more so) did. I don't dream about him or what happened. I don't wake up feeling angry at what a cunt he is any more.

Cliched, but true. Time.... It just takes time.

I actually think not having to go through the divorce right now is better for my mental health to be honest. I've enough to be doing and thinking about without that on top. I'd love to have had the option, but I dont. So I'll just look forward to the day I never have to see his pathetic face again. Which given he isn't seeing his toddler child, seems like it's already occurring.

I would ask though - do you definitely need a solicitor? I won't be getting one due to the short marriage etc. I'm not throwing good money after bad. :)

whatsgoingon - he is cooperating to some extent, in that he has appointed a solicitor, and he has now put the acknowledgment of service into the court ( many weeks late), but his delays meant my solicitor was looking to make a deemed service application - which cost me several hundred pounds for her to draft, and in the end, we did not need to lodge -so that money has gone to waste.
My solicitor wrote to his, explaining all of the delays - and stating that we would claim costs if we had to lodge a deemed service application, and she refused to forward the letter to him, saying it was not helpful, and that he was several months behind me in the divorce process.

I don't think I will get half my costs in the divorce as I didn't apply for costs against him initially as I was feeling sorry for him at that stage.

His solicitor said she was going to be taking instructions from him last week about financial matters, but we haven't heard anything from them, so clearly he hasn't been in touch with her.

I don't want to go to the expense of paying the solicitor to deal with access, as well as paying for the divorce, and paying for the financial agreement, which is why I want the divorce done befor baby is born, then won't have to formalise access arrangements as part of the divorce

This was a planned pregnancy, so I changed my bipolar medication to one that is less harmful to the foetus a year before I conceived. I am still taking the less harmful medication, which is safe for breastfeeding too

Detective I am sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation , I am glad that time is helping him not to invade your thoughts .

I do need a solicitor unfortunately -without one and just me doing the proceedings he definitely wouldn't cooperate - he is taking his sweet time now as it is. I know that he will be in my life forever because if the baby, but just want to be divorced from him -I need to move past that and be patient for the sake of my finances...

I am keen to get the divorce over with because I am finding it distressing and don't want that distress to affect my baby, I don't want to be crying when I am breastfeeding her, I want to be looking at her and engaging with her, I want to support her and be the best mum I can be and I fear my upset about the divorce will get in the way of that