Why am I bothered?

[Feelinghelpless2]

My adult DS (22) is moving to his Dad's, (my ex partner) because he cannot live by the few rules myself and my DH set, he's lazy, doesn't help around the house and causes friction. This decision has been a tough one but will make all relationships better. If he was moving out to get a place of his own I wouldn't be bothered but it's really annoying me that he's going to his Dads. Also my DS won't tell me what he's told his Dad as to the reason he's moving there. I don't why am I bothered, but I can't bear to think he's told him a load of old rubbish! Why does it bother me?! Is it me, or would anyone else feel this way?

I think you feel bothered for two reasons: firstly that you feel that you might have been misrepresented by your son; secondly that your parenting is being undermined - even though it shouldn't matter now that he is 22.

And I do think that I would feel similarly, although have not had that experience.

I've experienced problems with DS too and I second tormentil that you feel that your parenting is being underminded. However, you have got your DS this far and at the age of 22 some of us had already moved abroad and taken responsibility for our lives. Reassure yourself that you've done the very best you could and you may be surprise by how much (or little) his dad will put up with it, which may be the wake up call that your DS needs. Big hugs and hope you are having a lovely Easter Sunday

I'd guess it's the annoyance that now you've done the hard yards with the nurturing, there's a chance that your DS will be on his best behaviour for his Dad leaving you feeling like your efforts are not appreciated. If he's as lazy as you say, I doubt he will maintain his initial standard and your ex will come to realise how he came to be there. If he does start being useful around your ex's place at least he's learning better behaviour. It's a win/win however your son behaves so try to see the positives about the situation.

Hi, thank you for all your thoughts. I think you've nailed it on the head. His Dads home offers a more easy come, easy go set up, open door, parties so I think that's the attraction whereas my DH and I are as my DS calls us 'boring'. I said to my DH that my ex has won, I'm not sure what I even mean by that. I've had my DS for 22 years, done my absolute best for him, put him first whilst his dad hasn't even took him on holiday. I feel betrayed by my DS and worry his step mum will be his new mum as she seems to offer the fun I don't - that's how it feels. What a pickle :-((