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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why do I want the details of his liaison??

12 replies

ImpatientOne · 05/04/2015 07:55

Back story - married over 5 years, after 3 years of fertility issues, H announces he's so unhappy the only way forward is on his own. I was devastated but over the past few months, where we did try to sort things out I've come to realise how unfulfilled I was too however I still feel we've rushed into separation & selling the house.

After we finally agreed to separate, but we'r still sleeping in the same bed, he went out & went back to a woman's house & participated in what he admitted was 'half sex'. I'm not proud that I found this out by reading his diary & then challenged him about it.

I can't understand why I'm so completely obsessed with the detail of what went on? I've explained to him that whilst he thinks he did nothing wrong as we were technically separated I still feel very betrayed by the speed of him moving on. I've found this woman on FB & I know he's still in touch with her although he insists it's insignificant.

Writing it down I realise I sound like an idiot but I know he wasn't seeing anyone before. I was doing OK with the separation & moving forward but now I am obsessed about him meeting other women. We are still both at home, in separate rooms now, and I am torn between wanting him to leave immediately so I'm not obsessing over his every move & wanting him to be close because I already miss him so much. I know he is devastated too & that he's just blocking out reality by meeting new people, he hasn't talked to any of his close friends or family about our split.

I don't want to remember this one thing & forget about all the wonderful times we did have but it's invading my every thought.

OP posts:

TheOldWiseOne · 05/04/2015 08:10

If this is the path he has chosen he needs to move out ! Is that possible?

Sadly I think that sometimes we want contact with someone in a situation like this - talking to them about what to do, arrangements etc - negative contact is better than nothing in our eyes ...but he wants to go forward on his own - he has said that and it is amazing how quickly some people can do this!

They cast off the past very quickly and have no "loyalty" as we would see it. I know this after 28 plus years of marriage.

Be grateful you are young and can start again.He isn't blocking out reality because he hasn't spoken to people about it. It is just easier for him.

Original poster

ImpatientOne · 05/04/2015 08:18

Thanks WiseOne

He will be moving out very soon as the house is sold so we both have to. He keeps telling me he'll always be here for me & had offered financial support. He was very changeable but this weekend has been much more caring and showed emotion for the first time since we made the decision.

I would like to go to sleep & wake up in 6 months when I really hope the worst is over.

OP posts:

TheOldWiseOne · 05/04/2015 08:32

Sadly I think we look for what we want to see at times... When a person wants out they want to minimise things and get out with as little fuss as possible and so at times may give the wrong impression.

I know how you feel as my husband of 28 years walked out without telling me 7 weeks ago.I too want to be on the other side. As I said you are young and you will start a new life. It may not feel like it now but you will. Have a - I have had hundreds when I have been unable to eat.

fluffapuss · 05/04/2015 12:10

Hello Impatient

It seems like your partner emotionally checked out some time ago

It seems he has physically checked out too

His actions tell you more than words

If the house is sold, you will have a whole new life soon

Good luck

pocketsaviour · 05/04/2015 12:39

He keeps a diary? What, he thinks he's Samuel Pepys? And he wrote down this liaison? I'd be suspicious that he wanted you to find out. Maybe in a cowardly way to let you know that it's really over.

I'm sorry, I know this hurts. I don't know why we go through this process of wanting every detail when someone's hurt us. (I do it and I think most people do.) Maybe it's like the urge to pick at a scab or to keep poking at a wobbly tooth. Sometimes we like to hurt ourselves in preference to someone else hurting us.

for you, this must be hard. Once you are physically separated, things should be easier. Bear in mind that many men compartmentalize sex and emotion, and they tend to go out looking for sex immediately after ending a relationship, whereas with women it generally takes longer to even want to think about the idea. Him going out and getting off with someone else doesn't say anything about the relationship that's just ended.

nozzz · 05/04/2015 12:46

maybe he just likes keeping a dairy, Samuel Pepys or not.

pocketsaviour · 05/04/2015 15:35

Sorry. That was probably a bit unfair of me, but I was picturing it reading
"Saturday 12th March. Beers drunk: 3. Vodka shots: 2. Shags had: 1/2. V.V.V. Good!"

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/04/2015 15:50

I'm sorry that you're hurting OP, I hope it will get easier for you when you physically separate and live separately.

I think though that unless your husband left a diary out for to you to find, with the pages open then he had no intention of hurting you with this information. It's also none of your business, as difficult as that must be when things are so raw.

If the situation were reversed, posters would be outraged for you that your husband had looked in your diary, as an invasion of you privacy. It just shows the bollocks spouted on this thread sometimes.

Do you have a good friend that you can speak to in RL to get you through with some support? What's the timescale for one/both of your moving out now that the house is sold?

I think if I were in your situation, I'd keep my distance from my husband and just arrange to be out or in my room when he's home. I'd probably insist that he sleeps in another room/on the sofa rather than share my bed. That must be excruciating for you and it's definitely something that you can change immediately. I'd buy new bedding and give him the existing bedding, that way it's all new for you.

Original poster

ImpatientOne · 05/04/2015 19:34

Thanks everyone. We are in separate rooms now & I think he will be moving out in the next week or so.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/04/2015 11:23

Oh that's good news, Impatient. There's light at the end of the tunnel now, I'm so glad for you.

Can you plan some 'house cleaning' for when he's gone, to make it more 'your home' until you move out yourself?

Jan45 · 06/04/2015 13:52

His plan was always to go and pick up a woman I'd say, and now you have found out, it's hurtful especially so close to splitting up.

Best thing to happen is for him to move out, you will just suffer the agony of what he did otherwise, at least if you don't have to see him, you wont have a constant reminder.

Don't waste your time on him, he checked out long ago.

Original poster

ImpatientOne · 07/04/2015 08:26

He's totally messing with my head now! Yesterday after I had been out moving some of my stuff into storage I came back home & he gave me a hug and said he'd missed me - I'd only been out a couple of hours but he'd clearly been crying. I think it was the reality of seeing me taking boxes out of the house.

He's done it again this morning, texting to check if I was OK as I had gone out for a very early morning walk then holding my hand & stroking my face when I got back.

I told him it's not on but I hate myself for wishing it was real and that reconciliation could be possible :(

OP posts:

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