Is it me or him?

[cutekoala]

Sorry will try to keep this short but what is this?

I married my DH 11 years ago and we had a DD 6 months later (we had only been together 18m). By then he had lost his job twice and we moved to the Middle East.

I also was extremely ill and nearly died (another story).

He continued to be in and out of work and it was very stressful.

When I (very stupidly) got pregnant again I found out he was having 'emotional affairs' and was out of work again and very cruel to me (e.g. I ended up in intensive care for a week after giving birth and he basically ignored me and DS and spent a lot of time at the physiotherapist for his shoulder)

I knew then I should leave but I literally had no money a baby and toddler and no money. i was still in Middle East. I had no family in UK and just didn't know what to do.

I did get a job and worked hard to provide some money so that when he was out of work I could cover the downtime but i have been running fast to stand still.

I have never once checked his phone and not found messages to other women basically slagging me off for being unemotional (but i had to be - basically put up and shut up as I had no where to go and by now was thinking I had to stay for the children) and a gold digger (despite the fact he has never had any money) apparently I am 'obsessed" with money and famous people (he seriously thinks this).

I have finally plucked up the courage to leave and am going to come back to the UK - I have no friends, no job, no family and nothing to come back to I am really terrified and am crying every day.

But why do I feel so guilty and feel like i have ruined the family I keep thinking am i unemotional is it my fault have I not supported him and not done everything to keep the family together? My friends think I am mad to have stayed so long there are a million things he has done but don't want to make this long.

I really think I have lost it I cannot see things clearly at all - what if it is me tearing up the family and he is the good guy and i have ruined everything by expecting too much and being ungrateful?

Thanks if you have read to here.

The one thing I would say to you is about what that you say about feeling "unemotional" .......In my experience this is when you have tried SO much to keep things together, taken someone else's feelings on ALL the time and have had little or NOTHING back in return. It is like the life is sucked out of you slowly over time. This is when you end up feeling as if you have no emotions about it - you literally are drained.Some men are very good at making you feel you are at fault when in reality the fault lies mostly with them. They create a scenario in their minds to justify the actions they are following. I think many women try very hard to keep a family situation together in even the most devastating situations - I guess it is a nurturing thing.

I am very sorry about your situation and hope that it eventually gets better for you. The best of luck. You are young and you have that going for you.