(Mildly explicit) ExH killed my libido

[CantGetYouOutOfMyHead]

I have name-changed for this ...

Threw dh out nearly six months ago after I uncovered his ongoing affair. As he at the time refused to volunteer any information about the relationship, and was playing a 'let's see what she knows' game, I ended up uncovering all sorts of unpleasant details, such as the gift notes he sent to accompany Amazon orders of DVDs, CDs, clothes, underwear, etc. These gifts and notes revealed a deep and to me very hurtful intimacy between them. They revealed more than anything he has ever confessed to himself. He now wants to come 'home' having broken up with her; I can barely be in the same room as him.

After an autopilot period of just functioning (I have four children aged eight and under, and they are with me 12 days and nights out of 14), last night for whatever reason I thought I would try to rekindle my sexual spark and took my neglected Rampant Rabbit out of the drawer. Just to see how I felt.

All I could see in my mind's eye was him with her.

After these awful last few months, I now find I can't even have a tentative wank without them invading my head. I am rebuilding the rest of my life, or at least trying to. I have made lots of positive changes, but I still feel like so much has been robbed from me. I thought a little feel-good would pick me up (use it or lose it, they say) but I felt so shit, I stopped. Alone in my bed, I just thought 'I hate you. You're such a prick.'

What a prick!

Don't beat yourself up, you've been through a terrible time and its bound to effect things.

Sorry that your pick me up has let you down!

It's inevitable that their behaviour has had an impact on you. Fwiw, my libido dropped after splitting with XH, no infidelity but he did erode my self confidence to the point where I didn't feel like a sexual person anymore.

Once I met my DP my libido returned with a vengeance and I now have a much higher drive than ever before, either with or without XH.

I think you need a bit more time, maybe some distractions (I know not everyone enjoys porn, but maybe some erotic literature if that does it for you), just something to divert your attention completely away from them and onto you. I'm sure you'll get your mojo back.

Put it away and try next week...month...whenever you feel like it. Don't put pressure on yourself, your libido will come back. Rejoice in the fact you have rebuilt your life and made positive changes and laugh at the fact he wants to come back

Give yourself time: it can take a while to get your libido back after anything upsetting. Amy is right about erotic literature as a good way back when you feel like exploring again, but six months isn't that long when it comes to recovering from a major shock or betrayal.

He sounds vile. No wonder you don't feel up to it - you have had the worst kind of shock a few short months ago and have had very little time to rest and focus on your own feelings about this situation.

I expect trying to relax brought your suppressed (from childcare responsibilities) anger and unanswered questions to the fore. If you were able to find time to speak to someone professional about what happened with your marriage, then it might help you to work through it and find that spark again later on when your emotional wounds have healed somewhat. Love to you x

It took years for mine to come back and even longer than that for a desire for a relationship. But don't worry now at it like bunnies!

It won't be permanent I peomise. But what a prick

FWIW I was in a very similar position. It does get better, but I think you have to recover emotionally first.

I think what you describe is normal. After my marriage ended the thought of touching a man ever again repulsed me. But I did meet someone and the feelings came back and it was the best sex ever.

Have to say I found the same. I hadn't had sex for the last 4.5 years of marriage. I've recently met someone, the sex is great and I'm overcoming the mental and emotion block XH put on it by shattering my self-esteem and cheating on me in the most horrible way. My new lover is helping me overcome it and in a very short space of time I have come good again (for want of a better phrase).
Lots of women go wild after a separation. I wonder if that's why? I'm not suggesting you go out and fuck around (but go right ahead if you want to) but it's certainly helped me and other women I know.

When I split up with my ex (who was hugely abusive inc sexually) I thought I was asexual for a bit. I had no desire of any sort for anything except wine and chocolate It took a good while for anything to surface of any sort. But it did surface

I often think that your brain will only allow you to process what you are capable of processing at any one time. Then when that bit is done, another bit requiring processing will pop up. I find that happening with regularity, 2yrs and 7m post split. Don't get me wrong, life is very good and I've moved forwards so much that very often my past with him seem like another planet. But now that I'm no longer in flight or fight mode my brain has the luxury of processing.

I don't know when or whether after x y or z has processed, but your Mojo WILL return. In the meantime, I agree with a pp. Erotic literature could be an excellent way forwards.

Horrible, horrible bastards robbing us of a sex drives.

It took me about 18 months after my ex left me for someone else. I got to the stage that i felt so dead from the waist down that i actually accepted that i would live the rest of my life without sex and was quite happy about it.

It changed though, and i can happily report that i am a complete and utter wanker these days.

Thanks for the encouraging words

I hadn't let those bitter feelings invade me for a little while, so I felt angry and annoyed.

Recommendations on the literature front are welcome!