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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't want sex

24 replies

shandybass · 05/04/2015 00:04

I haven't had sex for two months and not much before then since dd. I feel I've lost my desire it's strange as we dtd loads before some of it routine as I really wanted dc and really struggled to conceive. But now my family is complete it's like all the drive has gone out of me.
My dh is frustrated with me. He tends to be quite pushy anyway in that department which I find off putting anyway but a while ago he was pissed and we were at it and I'd had enough but he wouldn't stop and more recently he was home after a night out and was trying to get me interested and I said i didn't want to and he lashed out at me kicking me in bed.
I told him after this I wouldn't stand for it and if he was going out he'd have to sleep in the spare room. He was sheepish at the time and has not pushed me to have sex with him since but he does tend to try every night but doesn't react badly when I say no or push him away.
He's out tonight so I'm not sure what will happen. I know he's frustrated and I am not helping things but I feel anxious. He's a good man and I know he knows he went too far but I know things can't carry on like this without things boiling over.
I'm sure I will feel like it eventually and that it's hormonal or whatever but I'm worried the damage will be done by then and my marriage will be over.

OP posts:

TheWhiteRoad · 05/04/2015 00:09

Am I reading your OP correctly in that at one point you were having sex with him and asked him to stop and he didn't ? And another time you said no and he became violent towards you? That's appalling OP. He sounds dreadful.

Clarabumps · 05/04/2015 00:16

My sex drive took a good while to get back on track after having kids. It was hard going. What helped was having a partner who didn't out pressure on me and listened to my issues ( didn't feel sexy, felt like 'just a mum', couldn't switch off the day, was too tired etc)
No wonder you're anxious, what you've described isn't what i'd feel comfortable with.
How old is your dc?

Original poster

shandybass · 05/04/2015 00:25

Hi. No it's not comfortable. Our dcs are 7, 4 and 2, so were over the baby stage. This is what is difficult. I really wanted children and each conception was difficult with a few mcs on the way and throughout it all we dtd but now it's like all the desire has gone and my dhs reactions is just pushing us apart.
I know he's frustrated and it is what relationships are built on but I also think that if I'm not feeling it and his reaction is just making things doomed.

OP posts:

Clarabumps · 05/04/2015 00:29

Your kids are similar ages to my three. It's bloody exhausting isn't it?
Do you think it's your partner? Do you want to do it? Do you have any sexual desire with anyone else? Do you feel unappreciated? Do you feel comfortable with your body? Are there any other things that would effect you wanting sex? Are you on anti depressants? ( this had a huge affect on me when I had PND)
How are you feeling just now with life in general?

Original poster

shandybass · 05/04/2015 00:48

Yes it's tiring, but not so bad as it was when they didn't sleep through the night. I have questioned if I'm depressed. I'm not sure not jumping for joy but loving my dcs and time with them.
No I have no desire for anyone else and no body issues as such. I'm trying to get a bit if me time and I've started exercising again. I don't feel particularly abnormal and think my libido will return, but my dhs' reaction is making me question if we'll make it to that stage.

OP posts:

PeppermintCrayon · 05/04/2015 00:49

Relationships are built on kindness, respect and trust. Not sex.

OP there's a name for what you are describing and it isn't sex.

mommyof23kids · 05/04/2015 07:39

Unless you're a rapist you can't force someone to have sex with you. You can't talk them into it, negotiate, plead or pressure. It has to be something they want to do. Your dh has got this completely the wrong way round, if he wants to get laid he's going to have to figure out...with you...what you need to start wanting sex again. It might be as simple as keeping jis trap shut and giving you time but it's probably more likely you need time off from the kids and a bit of romance.

It's so weird how guys just don't seem to get that.

antumbra · 05/04/2015 07:51

He sounds crap at seduction.

I once listened to a rabbi on Tv and he said there is no such thing as a frigid woman, only men who are crap at sex.

Oh and I have been together for 18 years. I cannot resist his sensitive touch. We have sex twice a day.

My ex husband thought I was frigid. He told everyone that I had a sex problem.

My current OH laughs about it.

margaritasbythesea · 05/04/2015 08:08

You need to talk about this with your partner pronto but not when either of you has been drinking and do so in a spirit of love and desire for the well being of both. You also need to think about exactly what you want and what you are asking of him. Sex is usually an important part of life and when you marry you usually promise to look for sex from only one person.

i usually wish i had posted something differently on this type of thing but i know someone whose husband does not feel like having sex. He doesnt really know the reason and shows no interest in finding out why. It is having a very bad effect on her self esteem and is wearing for her living without physical intimacy. If he just recognised it as a problem for her it would help.

Clarabumps · 05/04/2015 08:09

To be honest OP I can't see you making it to that point unless something drastic changes.
Has he always been like this? Have you spoke about it? What is his reaction if you have spoke about it? There is no excuse EVER for putting pressure on you to have sex or violence. That bit is worrying

pocketsaviour · 05/04/2015 15:32

I'm very concerned at what you've said, OP. Has he ever apologised for what was in effect rape?

I originally came on to the thread to say: have you restarted hormonal birth control since the youngest was born? Because it can effect your libido quite significantly.

However in your case OP I think there are probably different problems. I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with a man I couldn't trust to not just take it anyway. :(

newnamesamegame · 05/04/2015 20:32

Two separate issues here:

a) its quite normal to go off sex for quite a while after having a baby and nothing to worry about at all, doesn't mean it won't come back. You don't specify when you had your baby but it sounds fairly recent.

b) Your husband is seriously out of order and has effectively raped you on at least one occasion and is pressuring you routinely when you're not comfortable.

I'd deal with b) before you worry about a). It sounds as if he is at best seriously entitled and selfish, at worst abusive. Have you actually discussed this with him ever?

I would think very seriously about continuing to be in a relationship with this man. Then you can worry about your post-baby sex drive. To be honest though, with a husband like yours I'm not surprised your libido is low.

Original poster

shandybass · 06/04/2015 08:44

Hi. Thank you for your comments. I think I've blocked it out and it was only after the kick I realised what it was that had changed in me. The previous time felt like a crossing of a line where I had to shove him off. I have spoken to him about it and he was as I say sheepish and said sorry, but he's not one to discuss things.
But even before that my libido was gone and I wonder is it pill/ hormonal related as when I was pregnant I felt very sexy. I'm on the mini pill Cerazette. I tried another Cerelle but I was getting a lot of bleeding and you're not meant to get any. Cerazette is better in that respect, but is it known to reduce sex drive and are there alternatives? I don't think I'd like the coil and that has hormones in it anyway. A lot of my friends have struggled with it which also puts me off.

OP posts:

margaritasbythesea · 06/04/2015 09:28

I loathed cerazette. I had the non-hormonal coil fitted. It suits me although periods are very heavy. I don't say this thinking it will fix your problems though.

BuggersMuddle · 06/04/2015 22:18

He has behaved appallingly, but even if you are able to overlook that, I an't see how you will be able to relax and get back to a position where you want comfortable intimacy if he is asking every night.

If he genuinely understands what he did wrong it sounds like he needs to go further than 'feeling sheepish' and back off a bit more from asking as you clearly feel under pressure.

No kids here, but have taken drugs that affect desire, had illnesses that don't affect desire, but do affect capability. Key thing as Clarabumps said is an understanding partner and it sounds as though yours isn't quite there yet (perhaps understanding his mistakes, but not really listening to you )

Original poster

shandybass · 10/04/2015 08:27

Thank you for your replies. I am finding it incredibly hard. He's a good man and works hard and the children love him. When he's not drinking there hasn't been any violence just sulks and peeved comments, but I worry where we will end up if I can't get over this. I know it's not really fair to deny him sex in a relationship and I can see that it must be pretty frustrating.
Unfortunately he's not the talking kind and it will be a case of me getting over it or it being over and I don't know if I'm ready for that.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 10/04/2015 11:37

OMG, he has tried to force you and also kicked you in the leg, sorry OP, your issues are far more worrying than sex, he can't treat you like that, it's disgusting.

Jan45 · 10/04/2015 11:38

He definitely is not a good man, a good man would do neither of those things, he'd leave you alone and have a wank instead.

badbaldingballerina123 · 10/04/2015 11:55

I found this post really upsetting.

No one would want to have sex with a man who behaves like this. You've described two clear incidents of sexual abuse along with pushy behaviour and sulking. I would urge you not to minimize this because it's not about sex at all.

I also find it troubling you described his response as sheepish. He's not a naughty little boy , these are criminal acts that earn people a prison sentence. He has gotten away with assaulting you twice . I WOULDN'T push yourself to get over it or have sex with him when you don't want to. I would stay away from him and I'd tell him why.

AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 12:06

why are all your posts about his reactions ?

he has forced you into sex and become violent when you refused

this isn't a good man, nor a good father

frustration does not excuse this behaviour

Drew64 · 10/04/2015 12:06

OMG OP, your partners reaction are not acceptable under ANY circumstances!!!!!

It's normal, your lack of desire, its normal. You've just had a child, what does he expect FFS! My DW and I went almost a year like this when our first was born.

If you had the desire before, trust me it will come back but you can't force it, it had to come naturally.

Tell your partner, in no uncertain terms that his actions are un acceptable and will never be tollerated again. No means NO and if he does not repect this then I suggest you contact Womens Aid for further advice, if you don't end up chucking him out first.

pocketsaviour · 10/04/2015 14:12

When he's not drinking there hasn't been any violence

Apart from the time he kicked you, have there been other incidences when drunk of him being abusive?

Original poster

shandybass · 12/04/2015 22:25

No. The last time he went out he did as I asked and went to the spare room and didn't come near me.
Last time we both went out he went off in a huff as I was apparantely ignoring him. I think I have shut down to him, it seems like a delayed reaction and now I'm in limbo.
I think that's why I came on here.
I'm not sure i want to break up the family and I don't believe he Wil be abusive again, but I know how hollow that sounds.
If he'd raised a hand to me I know I would have gone by now. I think it's because it's linked to sex at a time when I had gone off it completely.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 13/04/2015 08:09

There's no excuse for rape or pressuring to have sex. Who'd ever want sex with a man like that?

I'd come on this thread initially to ask if you'd seen a doctor to rule out medical reasons and do the usual discussion about sexless marriages and giving your DH the choice to leave if he isn't happy in a sexless marriage (which he's clearly not), or go elsewhere for sex if you're that way thinking.

Tbh though, reading this I'm horrified. Rape by a partner is an appalling breech of trust and hurt and I've not managed to move past that 25 years after it happened to me.

I'll not tell you to LTB because I think you need to think for yourself and work out if he's worth this and how exactly you think your marriage could work if sex is important to him and he's raped you in the past.

Anyone reading this without the obvious emotions you have will be shaking their head at your situation.

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