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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My sister, overseas.

8 replies

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 04/04/2015 22:52

I have (or HAD!) a really close relationship with my sister (we are in our 50s). She left the UK to go and work overseas about a year and a bit ago. We had a really close relationship but since she left she's been weird. Spoiling for a fight every time she phones. Very critical To the point that I don't enjoy speaking to her on the phone because there are so many misunderstandings. This evening she called me and I was conscious that she was spoiling for a fight. I was very accommodating but oh dear. I'm worried. What is going on because this isn't like her at all?

OP posts:

Inexperiencedchick · 04/04/2015 22:58

Out of difficulties, I guess.
And if she has no family support next to her, that's extra pressure...

People might not realize it themselves but they become vulnerable and lonely, some can create depression as well...

She could be bullied as well so she kind of developed emotional block by spoiling for fight and becoming defensive...

Try to talk to her, maybe start from the very far...

lunalelle · 05/04/2015 04:05

Could you write or email her and explain how you feel tactfully? It sounds as if something is wrong on her side.

SavoyCabbage · 05/04/2015 04:40

It could be that she knows that you love her and that she doesn't have to be her best self for you.

When you have no family around you can feel that you always have to be 'on'. Friends may come and go but your family just love you no matter what.

When I talk to mine, I can feel the relief. They know what I mean, we have common reference points and a shared culture. And they love me.

SavoyCabbage · 05/04/2015 04:41

It could be that she knows that you love her and that she doesn't have to be her best self for you.

When you have no family around you can feel that you always have to be 'on'. Friends may come and go but your family just love you no matter what.

When I talk to mine, I can feel the relief. They know what I mean, we have common reference points and a shared culture. And they love me.

SteveBrucesNose · 05/04/2015 04:50

Please bear with her - I've been that sister overseas. As a PP said, when life gets tough as a new expat and 1.5 years is still new there's none of the usual support network. I'm also guessing that you're speaking to each other less now - eg if this is one call a fortnight and you used to speak daily - she may always have been like that on occasion but if you spoke more often before if may have happened just not on every call

Is she only like this when she calls you, or when you call her too? I ask that as it took me 5 years to find a close enough, strong enough friendship where I could just call my friend and rant, whinge, be generally snarky with if I'd had a bad day/week. Before that I had nobody, as I didn't want to do it to mum or sister in case they worried I hated if here.

It could be something more serious with her having real issues, but it could also just be lack of close support.

Original poster

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 05/04/2015 07:50

She always calls me.

I'm very much bearing with her, thanks for all your thoughts.

OP posts:

LifeHuh · 08/04/2015 10:44

When she was in the UK, how did you communicate? My sister lives in the US, has for years, and communicating can be hard because it seems so easy to get crossed wires in the way you don't face to face.
When you said that she calls you I am wondering if she might actually be feeling that you have moved on, adjusted to life without her, don't miss her, never call her so she has to call you...and then is aggro on the phone because of that. My DSis and I always have an argument when we meet - it seems to be a way of reestablishing a connection.
Only you know if that sounds at all like her or you though
I think actually asking if there is a problem is sensible. (Find that hard myself!)

Original poster

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 08/04/2015 21:02

Thanks LifeHuh. Thanks, that's interesting re the possibility of me not calling her being partly an issue. But that pattern of her calling me was established long before she left to go abroad. And I think we have very different ideas of how frequent phone calls need to be. She's my sister. She'll always be my sister. We have a shared history and a shared sense of humour that makes connection easy and instant. I don't feel the need for us to contact one another so very often. I lived abroad for several years too and we often didn't speak for several months. It was fine. We picked up where we left off and we both knew that come the apocalypse or lesser calamity, we would be there for one another.

OP posts:

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