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Original poster

Analyse me this - involves cleaning, EA ex-h and inability to sit still

18 replies

woowoo22 · 04/04/2015 21:26

In a nutshell:

EA ex left last year. Have been doing great on my own, raising DS (after initial hugely stressful time/realisation of life as an LP etc etc).

He did most of the tidying and cooking. Rarely cleaned, which was expected to be my job even though he took credit for a "clean" house because he tidied constantly IYSWIM. So any actual cleaning (eg bathrooms/hoovering/dusting/all laundry/changing beds)was done by me, but not hugely often, maybe once a fortnight just when it needed done (other than laundry; I didn't see why I should do all the money earning work, look after DS constantly when not at work AND all the cleaning). Eventually we got a cleaner, which stopped him complaining about the "state" of the house. His biggest bugbear was my "mess" which generally came from leaving a cup on the side for longer than his allocated 5 mins, or allowing DS to have his toys out for longer than half an hour type thing. Of course, ex's stuff could stay anywhere he put it for as long as he wanted, but DS and I were not allowed the same pleasure. What a knob!

He moaned constantly about having to tidy up after me - he didn't, he just didn't want any of my possessions out on show.

ANYWAY since Christmas I seem to have turned into some sort of cleaning obsessive Confused with the inability to just sit on my arse and do nothing.

WTF is going on with that?? I enjoy it, the house looks beautiful and am starting to enjoy cooking too (he always said I was a crap cook). Am I subconsciously trying to prove him wrong?

Thought I would post this because I sat down to watch TV and all I want to do is go and clean something. It is weird. Not in my nature to be like this at all.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Original poster
woowoo22 · 04/04/2015 21:27

Also he has gone NC by his own choice so it isn't like he is in my house.

OP posts:
Caoimhe1922 · 04/04/2015 22:21

Do you think it may be something to do with nesting? It's your home now not his and you are nurturing your and your child's environment.

pocketsaviour · 04/04/2015 22:27

Do you think you're subconsciously trying to scrub him out of your life?

Original poster
woowoo22 · 04/04/2015 22:28

OOH

I like both of these ideas! You are a genius both of you! Separately. Geniuses. You know what I mean!

I have had Wine since posting the above (it is my birthday today Grin)

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 04/04/2015 22:33

Maybe it's a displacement activity to keep you from thinking about him and the breakdown of your relationship.

You say this behaviour has been since Christmas. How long after he left was this? When exactly did it start? And are you able to identify any specific triggering events or emotions around that time?

Jackw · 04/04/2015 22:33

Yes, it might be a good thing, saying "this is my home and I take pride in keeping it clean and tidy". If you feel that you can't relax and need to keep cleaning, though, this could be tipping over into some sort of anxiety disorder. I think if you enjoy it, it's OK but if you feel compelled and are anxious if you don't do it, then it's not OK.

dinoswore · 04/04/2015 22:36

Happy birthday!

I don't know the reasons behind it, but since leaving my H I have become a cleaning obsessive too.

At first it was to stop me thinking too much about anything, I think. And to prove to myself and the world that I could make a beautiful and happy home for my DC by myself.

Now, it's just because I like a clean and lovely home to be in.

Original poster
woowoo22 · 04/04/2015 22:40

He left mid November so about 6-8 weeks after? Hmm nothing really triggering that I can think of TBH.

Hmm a displacement activity is a good point.

I do feel a bit anxious if the place is not clean... which bugs me as he used to be constantly on my back about tidying, the great knobber that he was.

But on the other hand I am truly fecking grateful every bloody day that I have my home and he is no longer in it!!

Thanks dinoswore and glad to know I'm not alone!

OP posts:
Joyfulleastersquad · 04/04/2015 22:41

When I'm anxious I can't relax and I clean. Maybe in your sub conscious your mind is still working over tune trying to deal with the relasionship?

Cooking is usually a relaxing controlled activity so maybe your taking that control back?

Joyfulleastersquad · 04/04/2015 22:43

Over time *

Original poster
woowoo22 · 04/04/2015 22:45

Maybe - the people around me don't want to seem to talk about it, I think because I have pretty much shut down all conversation about it?? And generally because people tend to see me as a fairly straightforward and uncomplicated happy person (which gets on my tits, I have as many problems as any other person!) and like my marriage was just a blip or something?

This is CATHARTIC!!

Need to lay off the Wine - has gone straight to my head as hardly ever drink!

OP posts:
DragonsCanHop · 04/04/2015 22:52

Happy birthday.

I can't add anything, I'm still living with my tidy freak Sad

Original poster
woowoo22 · 04/04/2015 22:56

Thank you Dragons. Poor you - what do you want to happen? Is there other stuff going on as well?

It is so draining isn't it? And you feel like you can't enjoy or "own" your own space. Always subject to someone else's whims and decisions.

OP posts:
TinyDancer69 · 04/04/2015 23:02

OMG woowoo! Are you talking about my STBX?! I could have written your post word for word! I did a lot around the house like you but all he could see was what he was doing - couldn't do right for wrong. He was a prick. And you are so right about the toys issue - if you walked into my soon-to-be-ex-house you'd never know a toddler lived there. I know I'll be happier alone with my DS :))

Maybe you should take the positive in that you keep your home lovely and have pride in it and maybe that was as a result of his bullying. But maybe your keenness to keep things orderly and clean was one of the few positives of your EA ex? Although keep in mind that it doesn't spill over into anxiety as a PP pointed out. Enjoy your wine and freedom from a horrible bully. Really, they are more to be pitied!

AlternativeTentacles · 04/04/2015 23:07

You possibly may have always been able to do cleaning, but because he was there being a knobber about it, he made it an issue. Who knew eh?

AcrossthePond55 · 04/04/2015 23:12

Maybe because when he was peering over your shoulder and criticizing your cleaning you just gave up and only did the minimum? Maybe now that there isn't anyone to criticize you or ask -nag- you why are you watching TV instead of washing the dishes or some other 'chore' that he thought needed doing, you're finding it's not such a chore after all?

Been there, done that.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/04/2015 23:13

Oh! Happy Birthday! Wine Cake Flowers

DragonsCanHop · 04/04/2015 23:27

I'm alright for now, he does the lion share whilst I build my career back up again after DC. if he stopped the criticism it would be fine

It's ok and there are still good points.

Another happy birthday to you Smile

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