Relationship counselling - would it help?

[NotAnotherBloodyUserName]

I've NC.

OH and I are not getting on. This isn't new, we've had a lot of rough patches throughout a long relationship (over 10 years). We used to have a long distance relationship and I put a lot of our issues down to this (it was the only thing we argued about). Since moving in together and having DC, things have got worse. We disagree a lot on things like how to deal with sleep issues (DC1 has been a dreadful sleeper and DC2 still wakes regularly - although is improving slowly) and discipline - I take a much softer approach although I'm aiming for sympathetic but authoritative rather than a pushover . He's more of the opinion that you have to show them who is boss otherwise they'll be manipulating you all over the place

However, the problem is bigger than this. We hardly talk - he's never really been the talkative type but he can manage to chat to his mates in the pub but hardly says two words to me some nights. We have no fun together. I feel like he has no respect for me anymore, he often talks down to me although we both have degrees and pre children, I was the higher earner. He doesn't listen and when we argue, we just go round and round in circles. He can be petty and sulk and it makes my blood boil - I struggle with my temper when he can remain cool and condescending. We're supposedly engaged (he proposed when I was pregnant with DC1 although I suspect that was in part down to our arguing over surnames....) but there is no current prospect of getting married. We own our house jointly, but as tenants in common (he put down the vast majority of the deposit). He has not made a will despite much nagging and concern on my part - he is fairly well off and I worry about the DC inheriting early and wasting it - and also that they would inherit his share of our house rather than me!

But I really don't want our DC to not live with their Daddy, they adore him and he's a good father and positive influence in their lives. It would break my heart for them not to see him every day. A long time ago we did have a good relationship - can it be recovered?

I struggle to get him to even talk about the problems, he just withdraws and is non-responsive. I've always wondered whether relationship counselling would help. I'm not sure if he would be up for the idea but maybe if I explained that otherwise, I'm not sure there is a future for us?

Has anyone been through counselling (I'm thinking probably Relate), and did it help save a failing relationship?

TIA and sorry for the essay...

Yes certainly couples councelling can help. It sunds like you need to emotionally reconnect and start talking in a meaningful way. Councelling should give you space to do that.

I am sort of in the same position. Many many problems but I couldn't bear for the children to not have their dad the way they do. I am wondering if counselling would help now you've mentioned it. Because I can't walk away and always wonder if I've hurt my children when the issues are not of danger or abuse.

It's got to be worth a try when there are young children in the picture and there's no abuse. However both of you have to be open to making changes and finding a compromise. Good luck.

Thanks for the replies. That's pretty much what I think that its got to be worth a go, but its whether OH will buy in or just sit there sullenly trying to do the minimum...

Has anyone got any experience of counselling? What did it involve and did it improve things in the long run?

There's no abuse, but equally he can be cold and disparaging and even downright rude - enough to be noticed by a very good mutual friend who I've discussed this with on many occasions.

He can also be pretty awful in front of my parents, doesn't really make an effort (although sometimes he does and can be charming) but other times pretty much ignores them and is rude/dismissive to me.