Has anyone read 'Toxic Parents'? Did you confront your parents?

[slimyhappypeople]

And if so, how did that work out for you?

After several recommendations on here I've recently read Toxic Parents.

It has helped enormously in some ways, as it's helped me to clarify that it actually doesn't matter what I do, my parents will find a way to reframe it in a negative light to fulfil their expectations in me as a loser.

For various reasons I don't want to go non-contact, but I've recently moved on to the paired down and polite version of contact where you move into a zone where you don't trust your parents with any personal or emotional information about yourself.

This seems to be working out ok for me - I just wondered if anyone else has gone straight to this stage without a confrontation stage first?

I just don't want to tell them how much they've hurt me because I feel that gives them power over me. I don't want a functioning relationship with them as I know they're not capable of giving me one.

Just wondered what other's experiences were?

Haven't read toxic parents. We haven't had a 'confrontation stage' per se, but had a telephone fews talks that ended in me losing it on the phone. We are at the polite no sharing of personal information stage which sometimes veers from polite chat to NC (as sometimes they don't get in touch for a yr or 2) we've been like this now for over a decade. It gives me peace of mind.

I didn't confront mine because I knew I wouldn't get the reasonable response I wanted from unreasonable people. My one attempt to talk to my mother nearly made me have a breakdown.

It's better to focus on confronting the versions of them that live inside your head and squaring how you feel within yoursekd.

Yourself, even!

Ladyboss2, that's interesting, thank you.

Do your parents ever try to initiate more contact? Mine live away but want to see 'us' (basically, the grandchildren) probably 6 times a year. It's too much 0 they expect me to take the DC to stay for a week every summer.

I am building up to not going this year but I know they will use the DC as a weapon over this - they just want to spend time with their DGC etc.

I need to find the strength to see them on my own terms. They have announced they will be staying with us over May half term and I don't want them here passing comment on our house and how we parent our DC.

Peppermint - thankyou, that's exactly how I feel.

I don't feel angry or upset anymore, I just feel that I understand that they choose how to treat me and it doesn't matter what I do or say, in their heads I'll always be lacking. I feel strong enough to recognise that actually I am a decent person.

I don't see what can be gained by confronting them - it feels like handing them a golden opportunity to hurt me all over again. Plus my mother has the victim act down to a fine art and I don't want to give her ammunition to play that card all over again.

O yes they tried to initiate contact once they realised that i'd been pushed too far and now life was suddenly boring without their scape goat in it. But i dug my heels in. Once dm said she wanted to see her dgc, i got all excited and got dc ready, food etc, she never showed up, this happened twice. This is all part of her game, just so that i know i'm not that important.

It hurts but you learn to live with it. i miss the parents they could be not the ones they are.

I don't see what can be gained by confronting them - it feels like handing them a golden opportunity to hurt me all over again. Plus my mother has the victim act down to a fine art and I don't want to give her ammunition to play that card all over again.

Exactly. You've nailed it. Confronting them makes you more vulnerable, it exposes your vulnerabilities more and they capitalise on it. DM is also very good at the playing the victim. She managed to convince the whole family that her dd was wicked and 'look how she has repaid me' after everything i've done for her. I kept bumping into people who just looked at me with disgust and said, "how could you?". I nearly had a breakdown, and stopped eating till was verging on anorexia.

Don't do it, make peace within your self and maintain polite contact if you can.

Slim don't allow them to call the shots. Tell them that it is not convenient to have them stay in your house and that if they want to see the grandchildren then them staying in s hotel would be better.

Yes and like Milli said, meet them somewhere neutral. Have they been to your home before?

I did the polite and distant contest for about 10 years . It worked ok when I didn't have kids . But once I did , they started to mistreat my kids so I had to go NC

Never any confrontation. Thought did say No to them once and that was a Very Big Deal

Thanks all.

Yes they've stayed here many times. It's always a course of huge upset to me. My mother has huge boundary issues and comments and comments on everything in the house in a disaparaging way.

Ladyboss and stacey - that's interesting. I think mine would go nuclear if I tried to go NC because of the DC. In fact my mother made a comment a couple of years ago about 'grandparents rights' and how grandparents can go to court to get access. She'd obviously looked into it

The problem I have with my parents is that they were very controlling but also very manipulative and all the little digs and comments are dressed up as jokes (my father) or just telling it like it is (my mother) so it's very hard to call them on the big picture (which is an ongoing monologue about how I'm not good enough).

The poor boundaries are a big issue because they say whatever they want and see no reason not to. I worry about their having contact with the DC because they are so self-important they consider themselves beyond reproach.

My father gave my 6yo DD a stupid nickname last year. I can't remember what it was, was not overtly offensive but also not particularly nice and it was upsetting her. When I asked him not to call her it as it was upsetting her he was disgusted at 'being told what to do'.

Prick.

Milli, thank you I need to find the courage to stop letting them dictate when we see them and how.

I can see a confrontation coming from them in the not too distant future. They both have alcohol issues and DH and I turned teetotal recently. They are FURIOUS and will not stop going on about it - I think it has unbalanced the relationship a lot and is making them very angry (possibly because it makes them feel uncomfortable about their own drinking?)

I saw them last week and was subject to ongoing comments about how I should just have a drink as I was 'obviously miserable without one' and how I needed to 'cheer myself up'. I love being teetotal, it's their company that makes me miserable!

Going NC is usually last resort, when the shit hits the fan, when the parents 'go nuclear' and you simply have no more to give. It works a treat!

Thanks ladyboss, I must say I'm tempted by nc but it would cause such a shitstorm in the rest of the family, I almost think it gives my parents more drama than they warrant? They're not worth the bother, bascially.

I have read the book and did the confrontation. Was afraid obviously but it really worked in my favour. I did it via letter, I was so sure of what I wrote that she never said anything back and that was that. I still have a copy of the letter. It is very strong for such a young woman.

The thing is, they are not used to us saying it how it is, but they will know we are right. If they come back with anything, it will of course be twist and blame, denial and minimisation, but we all know the truth. And it doesn't matter, what they say. The point is that we say what we have long needed to say.

If I were you, op, I'd not have them to stay and not let them see grand kids too often either. They wouldn't get much at court as it goes....since this is my field... You don't have to cow tow and you don't have to stay silent. The face will end tho and the cards will be on the table. X

I don't see what can be gained by confronting them - it feels like handing them a golden opportunity to hurt me all over again

Exactly.

I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I don't need anyone else's understanding or permission to take care of myself and stop tolerating their toxic bullshit. Deciding I only need my permission was hard but ultimately liberating.

Something2say, that's interesting. Well done for doing it.

Peppermint - yes! That's exactly how I feel! I don't need them to know what I'm feeling or how they failed me, I don't actually care about their opinions so why would I tell them about my emotions?

Grandparents do not have any legal right to contact. If they have been heavily involved in the child's life they may apply for permission to seek a contact order, if it is to the benefit of the child. They would have to show that they had a deep and beneficial and time-tested relationship with the child(ren) - for example if they had been providing childcare every week since the child was born. 4 strained visits a year will definitely not cut it, so don't worry on that account.

I confronted my mum about her crappiness because it made me feel better to get it out. I don't give two tin shits for her response (and she didn't make one, she's been totally radio silence since then, which is a big relief.)

Thing is Slim if you continue to allow them to have their say and do and say whatever they want then your cherished children will grow up having also been witness and subject to their emotional and verbal abuse. Do you want that for them.

I read the book, did the confrontation and now have been totally cut off from my whole family, siblings included.

The reason I did it was that I was going through a breakdown (well not total breakdown but horrendous panic attacks almost constantly) after a VERY hard few years so was forced into therapy. We looked at my childhood and the shockingly low view I held of myself, I had no intention of confronting my mother about it until a few incidents involving my DC happened - them being ignored in favour of siblings DC, them being called names by my mother/stepfather, DD telling me my stepfather had smacked her one.....

Then the rage hit (and post natal protective hormones as DC4 was only 4 months old when I did it!) I confronted by email copying in siblings as I misguidedly thought they may see things from my point of view (what with me always having been the black sheep) and offer support, of course that would never have happened as I was the scapegoat. It was a well worded email, not accusatory, more just WTAF! I left a lot out like my sexual abuse which my mother knew about and blamed me for and focused on her horrendous emotional abuse which was mainly due to my similarity to my father and his family who she hated.

Shit hit the fan big time. I was threatened with violence by an older brother, 'how dare I upset our mum after all she's done for us'. Tried to talk it through with my mother as I had also recently got back in contact with my absent father after over 30 years and I wanted her side of some of the things he'd told me. We had a last face to face meeting 18 months ago, which she stormed out of when I told her that after refusing to speak to me for over 6 months meaning that I was dis invited to two siblings weddings and turning the whole family against me, I was not just going to let her have free access to my DC, which was all she wanted. She was never interested in me, her own daughter.

Whole family have now disowned me and it fucking hurts, so much. They were never supportive, made me feel good about myself, helped out etc but I still loved them in spite of it all.

NC is always a possibility after a confrontation and that is fine if it's what you want, but when it's turned onto you, and you are made out to be the bad guy, it can be shattering. I would advise to be aware that that is what can happen.

Too right that knowing they have hurt you can give them power over you. My mother knew how being cut off from everybody would cause me great pain, that's why she did it.

If I had my time again, I would have confronted them in a more drawn out way by calling them on every single nasty thing they did and said and just withdrawn slowly and to my timeline.

sorry perceived similarity to my father. He is a loser who ditched his DC and never looked back. I am nothing like him, I am happy to say!

Milli - yes you're right and what worries me is their impact on my children. They left them alone when they were little, but now they're growing it's like there's more for them to comment on? I'm going to be in a position where I'm trying to protect the dc and made out to be the bad guy at the same time.

Bubblegirl - I'm so sorry to hear of your experience :( I asked my (golden child) brother recently how he felt about our upbringing and he said "it's a parents job to be critical so they were". I realised at that point I was going to have no allies in this whatsoever.

"If I had my time again, I would have confronted them in a more drawn out way by calling them on every single nasty thing they did and said and just withdrawn slowly and to my timeline."

This is basically the path I have started down. So no reflection on the past, but once they start with the pisstaking, the comments, the nosey questions it's just a complete deadpan, no reaction response from me. My mother likes to ask questions about the house so she can criticise us for how things are - now when she asks a question on an ammo seeking mission I just say "why do you want to know?" and look really puzzled.

Bless you all who have written here. Bubblegirl - I am sure you will find peace away from your toxic family, they sound really awful.

I didn't confront as nc with dm and df dead, but found writing the letters massively helpful, why don't you start with that op? Bubble so sorry about your family my dm turned all her (large) family against me and I didn't ever know any of dfs family so now only have rare contact with one db and regular contact with other db and no other family at all, which is sad but there you go. It's been 4 years for me now and it does get better I promise

I haven't read the book. I did write a letter - by email, which was a mistake as my Dad opens the emails first. I wanted to clear the air, it totally failed.

Got an acknowledgement that mentioning replying at greater length when he had had a chance to think about it. That didn't happen. Then it was my birthday, so I made a surprise visit with the intention of talking about it. dad made it clear that he wasn't showing Mum the letter that I had written and specifically said that she wasn't to be shown it because 'it would hurt her too much'. It took me a while to process this and realise that I'd been manipulated and stonewalled. Again.

If I was to rewind the clock, I'm not sure if I'd do it differently.It was cathartic to write the letter. Being stonewalled and invalidated showed me that I was right - even though it hurts. People who really love you don't make you feel bad about yourself.

I'm on limited contact now - would be none at all except for my DC who have a good relationship with my parents and go to great lengths to get me to go see them - ie picking me up and driving me there.