Mum coming to stay for months, dp about to blow, I'm pregnant ARRGHH

[Piffle]

Briefly

My mum is single, feisty, opinionated, often rude, a smoker.
She usually works as a private live in carer to elderly person/terminally ill people who can afford home carer. She si very good at this but it is hard work.
In between work she sometimes catches a weekend with us, babysits then goes off to her home - a static caravan on North East Yosk coast. This campsite closes Jan-March. Last yr she stayed here, drove Dp to insanity and caused friction between dp and I. I have 2 brothers who both have nice flats in London she could stay with them.
She is 62 fit and slim
BUT
Her knee is the size of a football - she had an op 7 yrs ago and now needs a replacement knee, but wait list is a year or more.

She cannot stay in her caravan with her knee the way it is. So she said today she is going to impose on us for the winter.
WE had a nice spare guest room, whicha s now dd's bedroom, dd's old room is the new nursery.
WE have fold out sofa bed in dining room aka kids playroom - we deliberately timed the room changes to prevent Mum from spending a whole other winter here and driving us mad.
Failed
Have just told dp and he is not happy. Mum says she will work on and off throughout the winter as her knee allows on short term contracts.
I'm dreading it, but feel torn as she has the knee issue.

I am 20 wks pregnant have SPD and am about to cry with the stress.

What can I do for bloody best...

FWIW I am SAHM, dp happily supports me, dd and my ds from previous relationship, he draws the line at my mum...

If it was me, i'm sorry I think i'd have to say it's just not possible. Is there any way she could rent somewhere for 3 months? Could she she stay with your brother for some of the time? I think it's cheeky of her to ask you tbh.

Could you not speak to your brothers? Get them to issue an invitation so that it sounds like they want her, rather than you not wanting her?

Sounds like a nightmare.

Ring your brothers up and cry. Tell them what you have told us. Plead with them to invite her for part of the time.

this stress is something you could do without being pregnant. Could you speak to your brothers and suggest that maybe could they ask your mum to visit them for a while too?

IF all else fails send her to my place, she can sleep in the summerhouse.

Thing is my brothers are both slick city types
middle bro lives with his bulgarian girlf, they ar true metrosexuals,
other bro lives in a post student flat but stays with is girlf most nights as her flat is clean.

She will be lucky to find a tea bag in either place plus both are up loads of stairs.
She did not ask me FWIW she told me.
She knows that we have a big house, heating, cooked meals and a spare bed.
I will email both brothers now and alert them to their duty as well.

You have enough on. She could have at least asked if she could stay.

I know she's your mum but it's still a cheek to assume that it's ok. She could go abraod for the winter, tell her the warmth would do her good and it can be very reasonable.

Definitely tell them. Surely she could go to them for part of the time at least. Or about they stump up some cash for her to get her knee done privately a bit sooner?

get your bros to pay for her knee op. and put her up in hotel or their flats.

Some Mums just don't get it do they?. Your brothers may well have nice flats but they've probably told her where to get off over the years so she chooses you to impose herself on instead. Also you're the daughter.

She is using emotional tactics on you to get you to give in (the knee issue). Surely she realises what havoc she caused last time around.

Did she actually say that she's going to impose on you all for the winter?. I would not have her in your residence under any circumstances.

Did she previously smoke in your house last time around?. If so that's certainly another reason for not having her stay there. You have two children already to care for and are now 20 week pg, you don't need the stress as you have more than enough to deal with as it is.

Both of you need to take a united front on this and explain that due to circumstances it is just not possible this time around. If she doesn't like it then that's tough frankly.

Very tricky but I think you need to state to her in a broken record way (ie as many times as you need to) that she is not able to come and stay with you this winter. You and dp have discussed it and both agree that you are not able to offer this type of hospitallity anymore. Then state what you are able to offer her ie every other Weekend for 2 or 3 nights max.

Try not to get into debate etc you do not have to justify this decision to her just try and stay calm and repeat, repeat, repeat, be prepared for something not pleasant bak stand firm.

Good luck

Mum has a pretty precarious financial position
She has to work to pay for herself IYSWIM
No way can she afford to go abroad.
She has a sister or two in Yorkshire she could stay with too if pressed.
She smokes outside when I'm here but ds has dobbed and says she smokes in our kitchen if we're out which really FUCKS me off but I cannot tell ehr I know or she'll be really mean to ds.
She does have redeeming features but being immobile makes all of them non starters...

I just told my brothers
Dp and I are happy to have mum occasioannly and even frequently but not constantly which is the truth
Have asked them to provide some respite.

The smoking would really pee me off too and i'm an ex-smoker.

Are you sure she couldn't go abroad just for a few weeks, honeslty, I think it's cheaper than staying here the probably not as cheap as staying with you. Hope your brothers come up trumps for you.

dunno whats up with my typing today, must be gremlins in the keyboard!

Am also v worried that brothers will tell her I don't want her...
Cue major drama
I'm an ex smoker too I gave up for my kids...
Hence my touchiness...
DP is fierce anti smoker.

Have you told your mum how you and DP feel?

Maybe you could have a talk with her, give her some ground rules and let her know if she does not abide by the rules then she will have to find else where to stay?? she then has the choice to behave or find somewhere else to stay.

Hope you get it sorted

grrr, thats not on. My relationship with my mother is the pits hence my opinion. I appreciate yours is probably far better but it's still a long time for anyone to stay.

Poor you. It sounds like you're in a no win situation. WELL DONE for telling the bro's! Hope they come up with some help. Sounds like the sisters could also help? It's really hard when our parents start to rely on us. If your mum is anything like mine then she'll take over, be mum, you're the children and expected to toe the line and it's your bloody house! Don't know what the long term answer is, except lots of stress.

God what an awful toxic woman this Mother of yours sounds. She has imposed her will on you all, yet another way of control. This is all about power and control - her saying that she has power and control over you even now. This is what she thinks.

Presumably you previously established ground rules with her that included no smoking in the house. Your son has seen her smoke inthe kitchen when you have not been present but you cannot yourself tell her or she'll be mean to your son. An appalling business. For that transgression she has ruled herself completely out of staying with yourselves.

Being as immobile as she is will entail you all running around after her. Will she pay you any rent or will she expect a rent free arrangement?.
What will she do when she's not able to work?.

The fact that she would be horrible to your child because he told his Mum his Nan smoked where she wasn't meant to, would be enough for me. She's an adult, she doesn't deserve you putting yourself out this much.

Hmmmm, there's a lot put towards looking after our parent(s)... an expectation that because they raised us we're there at their beck and call and for every whim.

Looking at it simply, you are pregnant, you have SPD. You have just sorted your home (your life) out to accommodate a new baby, and the way you want to be as a family...

TBH: I would tell your Mum straight that happy to have her for a week or two here and there, but not straight through for months on end.

As for smoking in your kitchen - I would say something about that because she is not respecting your home.

When I say mean to ds I mean she will call him a telltale and make him feel small. He is great kid btw.
Well she is here, I told her I have emailed my brothers and I expect them to offer her respite care.
She is actually seriously considering going abroad for private knee surgery once she has orthopaedic diagnosis - it could take a year to get done, she needs to work = no brainer financially.
I have offered to support her here while she recovers in any event.
Don't get me wrong,she is a lively individual who has lived alone for 2 decades, so she is just used to doing things her way.
DP has said ok fine she is our/your mum happy to help her out while she is in a fix, but she must tow the house lines...
And he expects to make her babysit a lot in repayment... she does pay towards groceries btw
FWIW she is superb with the kids 99% of the time, both kids adore her in reality.
So that's why we like her in short sharp bursts only.

Emotional upset is just as bad as physically being mean. Do what you are happiest with but put yourself and your family before your mother. (And I mean that in a nice way, not a bossy way)