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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

collecting children from weekend with their dad?

13 replies

ghostwritter · 04/04/2015 09:29

Hi, not sure if this is the place to post, but lot s of traffic and genuinely unsure what is the right thing to do.
My 2 DC see their father eow, he collects them from school but lives 45 mins away in our old home. I have always collected them as he made it clear that was my duty, (relationship was EA and controlling). After 3 years of this, I have started to wonder why he cant bring them back. I truly believe he only has contact this regularly to keep his maintenance payments lower. He does not attend parents eve or deal with any other responsibilities with the children (too far away/cant be arsed).
Do I continue as we are or is it reasonable to say no, you bring them home. Not sure if this is just another way for him to control me.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 04/04/2015 09:33

I think it is a reasonable request but you aren't dealing with a reasonable person.

Your option is to refuse to collect today and see what he does. It sounds like asking him will result in a firm NO.

Dumpylump · 04/04/2015 09:35

Well I think that the fairest way to it is that each parent does one way - so if your ex is picking the dcs up from school, then I think it's fine for you to collect them.
I would personally prefer to do that anyway, because it means you collect them and they come home and that's it - there's no hassle wondering what time they'll be dropped off, or if he'll try and come into the house etc.

Baabaapinksheep · 04/04/2015 09:35

I think it's fair to do one journey each, and if he's picking them up from school then he's ready doing one.

I'm assuming since he lives in your old house that you are the one that moved 45 mins away? If he had been the one to move away then I would see your point, but if not then the travel should be shared.

Quitelikely · 04/04/2015 09:37

I don't k ow why it should be shared when op does all the running around the rest of the time. It's hardly fair.

FunkyPeacock · 04/04/2015 09:40

Assuming collecting they go to school near you then he is already doing a 4am in journey to collect them so seems fair that you should do the journey to collect them then the travelling is equally split?

If he lives in your old family home then I assume that means it is you rather than him you has relocated?

Sorry but YABU to expect him to do ALL the travelling

friendofsadgirl · 04/04/2015 10:26

One journey each sounds reasonable. I'm pretty sure that maintenance is never based on level of contact too.

RandomMess · 04/04/2015 10:30

friendofsadgirl - erm yes maintenance is affected by level of contact!!!

I think as you moved away then sharing the travel is sometimes enforced by the courts. So provided you are not being messed around by him I would continue to to do it.

friendofsadgirl · 04/04/2015 10:41

Blush my apologies.
We never paid less maintenance when DSS increased his visits. I forget that was a long time ago that was and rules have changed so often in15 years ago so I should have checked ...

balia · 04/04/2015 10:45

I'd be very wary of making a decision to do anything that will needlessly create conflict. If you are picking them up, you are in control of it - if you unilaterally change it, he could easily retaliate by messing you around (being early/late/not returning them until the next day etc).

Original poster
ghostwritter · 04/04/2015 10:50

I moved as we had previously agreed to move (was my house predating our relationship) he sabotaged move. I had been commuting same distance for 4 years too and from work as he would not move.

OP posts:
Original poster
ghostwritter · 04/04/2015 10:52

And as he still dictates the time, and makes me bring clothes for them so "his"clothes do not come to my house, he is really still in control of it all now.

OP posts:
holdyourown · 04/04/2015 11:22

While I can see where you're coming from OP, I do think it's a case of pick your battles with these sorts of people and given that he does half the journeys I wouldn't have a massive falling out over it as that would cause you more grief anyway. He can't make you do anything- I think you need to address this more - why don't you just agree the pick up time between you. You need to detach more from this man, you are largely free of him now and that should be a cause of celebration really, these minor niggles will be over in a few years.

RandomMess · 04/04/2015 13:34

Yes he's being an arse but I think you need to pick your battles too.

Is he changing the time each week? How old are your dc?

If he won't stick with a fixed time or similar than that's different.

You do need to detach detach detach as much as possible and use the phrase "that doesn't work for me" if things don't.

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