Second marriage in later life, how would you organise finances?

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A second marriage, a bit later in life, both people have adult financially independent DCs.

They each come into the marriage from very different financial circumstances,’ A’ owns a house outright, has some modest investments and cash but due to health reasons works only a few hours a week and has a very small income which is not enough to live on.

‘B’ had no assets following a financially catastrophic marriage, but has a good job with an above average income.

Is completely separate finances the only fair way to deal with this situation? And how would you split the expenses?

We are happy together but money is a bit of an elephant in the room sometimes.

if the cash rich person would reasonably need to contribute to the other person, would you say they should also accrue some kind of interest in the assets?

This is where it does start to get complicated, because there is (a) the legal perspective, of entitlement and (b) the relationship you and DH have and your attitude to money (for which I hasten to add there is no good/bad, right/wrong judgement to be made, it is what you both need to feel comfortable and committed to, such that it doesn't become a future sticking point that sours the relationship you both have.

a) legally one would argue that if your DH already owned the house outright no mortgage, then it is his and he would be entitled to ring fence it. Particularly if heaven forbid you were to separate and divorce in future. I know you both decided not to go down that route, but it's a legal consideration. Also your DH would be within his rights to ring fence that asset and stipulate in his will that his DC would get the proceeds in the event of his demise. He could state in his will that you would need to die first, ie his DC couldn't sell your house from under you so to speak.

b) alternatively your DH could elect to give you x% interest in the property. Even if you have been contributing in terms of bills and rent, and even though you are married, that doesn't alter the fact that the default position in law is likely to be that he would have a major control and you would, in the event of divorce, have to take him to court, get a lawyer involved to fight for a % on the basis of marriage. I have seen this happen and believe me it is ugly. It sounds like you and your DH have likely delayed settling this, because of these rather grisly discussions on scenarios. I don't blame you, it isn't nice, however I would urge you both to have an open, honest conversation,to come to a mutually agreeable arrangement in the event of

A) death of either of you
B) divorce
C) protection and control of the assets you both have, and any provision you/he may wish to make to offspring. It is all about ensuring you both have control over what happens in the above scenarios, to protect the matter from being taken over by family members. This can happen, even if you can't imagine it now. The safest thing is to create wills.

I would suggest you engage a lawyer who has the expertise to guide you according to your wishes. They should tell you the law, but also work with you both, as you are perfectly within your right to deviate from the law, as that is only a framework.

Sorry for the essay, hope it helps you.

It is complicated, no doubt, and easy to keep 'parking' it when it all seems too difficult. The house isn't an asset of the first marriage, DH settled with his Ex, she got the house and their marriage lasted less than 5 years and was over long ago. His assets are the proceeds of the sale of the business he built after that marriage was over, but obviously he will want to leave something to his children if possible. I don't think I should take their inheritance, but he would have living expenses whether he was married to me or not, and on that basis there wouldn't necessarily have been anything left for them to inherit. With virtually no income he would probably run out of cash and have to downsize, whereas with my income we can continue to live here, he manages to retain ownership of a house of considerable value, and actually it's worth more because I've contributed to improvements. I think it's always a tricky one but our situation is quite extreme and I do want to be treated fairly too. I'm glad I asked, it's difficult to talk to RL friends about something so private. We do need to face up to our fears and have an honest discussion. I don't know how much he has in the bank or what his will says. I will also look into the non means tested benefits again as it looks like he may be able to claim something and boost his income.

Do you think it's a bit odd that you are married ( how long?) but don't know how much savings he has? I do. But don't take my opinion only!

You need to separate out two issues- your current and future income and expenses, and the inheritance issues. You also need some advice on what you would receive should you divorce- this is not being cynical but more 2nd marriages fail than first. If the house is not in joint names, if it were to be a short marriage and you have no savings of your own to buy somewhere then you could end up in a real pickle.

If, for example, you have or will have enabled him to carry on living in a house possibly too big for him alone ( and not viable on his small income) then it seems unfair you would not benefit at all if he dies first. You need to protect yourself so you can carry on living there. If he can't assure you of that you could argue that he has only benefited from his house since he married you as you provided the income to pay for its upkeep.

I feel very concerned for you because you are really in a bit of a difficult situation. You risk being left with no home and no savings if you cannot guarantee you can inherit the house at least until your own death (if he dies first.)

I don't like the sound of him TBH or the way he has kept his savings a secret- and you only have his word for it that the 'advice' he received was to ring fence his money- maybe that is his wish and he's trying to tell you something?

I'd see a family lawyer first on your own and then see one together.

We've been married 4 years. I have a rough idea how much he has, but yes it is not right that it's not completely open. I need to tackle it. I think I've been very tentative because I feared coming across as gold digging due to having no assets myself.

I think you have to work backwards. The first thing you actually have to do is to decide what each of your children inherit from each of you. For example, if you decide to leave your respective step-children nothing, then finances will have to be kept seperate in the marriage; but if you want to split everything equally between your dcs, what's the point in keeping money seperate?

I think you need to get your wills sorted in case anything happens. I'm not on the deeds of my husband's house, but we've got it sorted that I won't be homeless if he dies but his children will still be able to inherit. I've got a property I rent out and if I die he gets a share of that with my siblings.

Our finances are separate, I pay for a lot of the groceries and give a contribution for bills. That works for us, but I did feel better for getting the wills sorted.

But OP it could be equally argued that he married you because your income enables him to continue to live in his house- which he'd not be able to on his meagre earnings + benefits.

I feel your marriage is not all that great if a) this wasn't thrashed out ages ago and b) you are worried your DH- who is supposed to love and adore you!- might think you are a gold digger. You're married FGS not dating.

I know pinkfrocks it sounds awful and that would be my point of view, my income does enable him to keep his house and enjoy a lifestyle he couldn't sustain. I needed to know if others thought that is a reasonable position for me to take. The gold digging thing is in my own head, I have friends with assets who won't marry again because they are protecting them for their own DCs, I've heard that point of view so many times and I'm the potential bad person coming along and claiming a share. We do have a good and happy relationship, just very awkward around money. It's a good time for an in depth discussion as DH just had a letter about his pension pot and the new options.

OP you should both take some legal advice. There are things you can do in wills (e.g. life estate although its been a long time and I'm not up on current law) so that you would still have a home after his death (and possibly income from other assets) but his assets would then go to whoever he chooses on your death.

If you are paying substantial amounts towards things like home improvements etc, then you may be starting to obtain rights towards the house anyway - although this is a minefield area of law.

A good wills and probate lawyer will help to make things much clearer and there shouldn't be any reason why you can't see them together (although you might both benefit from or need some independent advice at a later date.)

Second, later marriage here too. 5 dcs between us, none together. When we married neither of us had much in way of assets but Dh now in highest 1% of earners and I earn nothing due to disability. He has also since acquired assets through business.

Although he pays for everything we were both dreading discussing wills. However we have just bought our first home together after renting so we had to discuss it. He is coming from the view that we will be married for life and have 5 dcs between us, so everything should eventually be split 5 ways- and he expects me to put any future inheritance into the pot.

I know this situation is different to yours, but i wanted to show that different people have very different attitudes.

I would never remarry again, the hassle to get the legals sorted to avoid DC losing their inheritance isn't worth it imo.

I married again i recently in 'later life' (him 50, me 56, kids in their early 20s at uni/independent). Very different financial situations: I had more in the way of assets than him, my income fluctuates a lot and I'm a bit of a spender, he has a very stable income and is a saver. He has a much better pension than me.

I think you need to look at three things separately:

1. what happens if one of you dies
2. what happens if you divorce
3. what happens with your day to day income

We arranged our wills separately, my kids will benefit from my greater share of the assets as these assets came from my marriage to their father However, if we had to spend those assets to live then that's what we'd do. Implicitly our divorce would be arranged along the same lines. For day to day income we pool the lot, but each have an equal fixed amount of personal spending money on a monthly basis. I pay my daughter's university costs out of my spending money.

It works for us: he has extra savings in his name but if we needed them for anything then he'd just chuck them in the pot. We do consider all money 'ours'.

But horse it isn't that simple. Even if you didn't remarry, but had property your DP lived in, or shared your DPs property, there would be an issue around it when one of you died. One party could end up homeless if the home went to the children.

OP you sound very sweet but in this case you need to get your hard-headed business brain on. As you have now been married 4 years that is quite some time not to have done anything on this score.
Being really blunt, we all think we will die in our 80s or older but if anyone died in an accident tomorrow, there have to be wills etc in place.
You aren't being a gold digger at all - because presumably if you weren't using your income for your joint living expenses you'd be using it to buy a home of your own.

Sorry, I should have made it clear that I wouldn't live with someone again. Each keep our own houses and stay over, but no joining of finances etc.