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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to step away?

5 replies

ItsMi · 04/04/2015 00:11

I had something with a guy who happens to be a good friend of mine too. It started when neither of us were in the right place for anything serious but it soon snowballed. We never became 'official' though we both acknowledged that we were a couple and the few who did know what was going on said we were very much a couple.
Anyway, after an argument he went out for drinks (already arranged) and ended up kissing someone we both know who also likes him. He's always said he has no feelings for her and that night he did it because he was angry. From then on I had a problem trusting him. I was paranoid that he would go off with someone else, and this was not helped by him talking to loads of women. He's always had plenty of platonic relationships with women, but that thought still didn't put me at ease. So... I ended it.
I was distraught at first but we actually managed to slip into our friendship only relationship really well. I was immediately relieved and no longer paranoid. Things were great!
And then... one drunken night we slept together. It's then happened several times since. The first two times I were fine, I told myself it was nothing, but now I can feel the paranoia creeping up again. He doesn't want to commit to a relationship again right now (from what he's said in casual conversation) and I'm at a place where I need someone loyal to me. I know I need to say no to him, we are amazing as friends but anything more is just damaging right now. I just don't know how I can do it? Where do I get the strength from? He's my best friend and I can't lose him as that, but as great as the sex is, I can't do it again, not under the current circumstances.

OP posts:
Heyho111 · 04/04/2015 00:42

I think the only way forward is to have no contact with him. Being friends and sleeping together just messes with your head. It will probably make you feel used. I can totally understand why you don't trust him and rightly so. One argument and you kiss a friend ! Its not sitting right. He's not the man you thought he was. Sorry.

VeniceByDay · 06/04/2015 00:15

He's no friend of yours.

Allofaflumble · 06/04/2015 09:38

Don't do this to yourself. He will happily take you up on random sex but he will walk away unscathed and you will not. Be your own best friend and take care of your heart and soul.

GoatsDoRoam · 06/04/2015 09:46

I don't believe he's your best friend: his actions demonstrate that he is not. It rather sounds like you have an unhealthy, subconscious attraction to each other, which feels "good" but is actually made of drama and ishoos.

You seem so attracted and "right" for each other (as friends or lovers) because it's really your neuroses that are meshing, iyswim.

I swear that if you cut him off and stay away for a bit, that magical lustre will drop off and you'll see it for what it was.

GoatsDoRoam · 06/04/2015 09:52

as for how to step away:

  • Tell him that being friends will not work for you since you actually want more, so you need to end contact with him.
  • Block him on your phone and on all social media.
  • Grieve, but also fill your life with friends and hobbies and outings.
  • Be very kind to yourself, and keep strong when you feel like wavering.
  • In a few months this will all seem so distant.
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