ultimatums - do they work?

[duckandcover]

Or do they just make a person fall out of love because they decide you are needy and insecure? I think he is def withdrawing from me in so many little ways - fewer dates, fewer endearments, less effort. Back story too long boring and irrelevant, but would love to know if asking 'look, do you actually like me anymore or are you hoping i'll get the message?' has ever worked for anyone anywhere?

would love to know if asking 'look, do you actually like me anymore or are you hoping i'll get the message?' has ever worked for anyone anywhere?

That's not an ultimatum.

An ultimatum is where you give a clear choice and follow through. So either (a - you specify what you want) or (b - what will happen)

No, they don't.

If it's not working it's not working, an ultimatum won't change that.

Thank you eggy - suppose in my mind I'm expecting it to be taken as if a) being as we are is not good and b) making it good or c) giving up are the two options.

You need to be more specific than that. But to be honest if someone wants to put the effort in they will, they don't have to be asked. You're probably best just saying that you've decided to call it a day.

If he asks why just say you're not getting the feeling that he's that bothered about it and you want someone who is going to be involved and interested.

He will then either (a) let you go or (b) make that commitment to try harder.

That's better than an ultimatum because you are not telling him what to do you are just saying what your expectations are and if he isn't meeting them you are not going to hang around.

Eggy is right.

Make your decision and let him know. "It's not working for me, I need more comitment" he may agree and move on or offer to try harder.

An ultimatum puts the ball in his court.

eggy rationally I know you are right. The scared part of me wants to prepare for the worst hence my need to understand what might happen. I am so sure he will tell me it was all dandy until I said something

So prepare yourself for the possibility of a separation then. How long have you been together? Do you have children together? Do you live together?

At the end of the day you have to take that leap of faith. If he steps up then all well and good but if not better to find out now rather than later.

I saw a quote the other day that said something like 'I need you to stand up and be the right man for me. I need you support me, encourage me, trust me and love me. If you can't stand up and do that, then sit the fuck down so that I can see the man standing behind you'.

Cheesy but you get the gist.

Are you dating each other exclusively? Has he made any form of commitment yet?

You are right to think in terms of "what will happen to me / how will I feel if things don't go according to plan and he takes the option to walk away?"

Too many people give the ultimatum without truly meaning to go through with it and end up the weaker in the relationship. Which makes the other person lose even more respect than they had shown before.

An ultimatum is normal the last straw. You've tried everything else, nothing has changed and you want to give it one last crack of the whip. But it has to be the last chance saloon for you to have credibility.

Normally

I am so sure he will tell me it was all dandy until I said something

Your best response to that would be, "It may be working for you but it isn't working for me, which was why I said something. A relationship isn't purely for your benefit. So long."