Where to start....just really really upset DH

[whattodotodowhat]

ok, where do I start. DH and I have had our problems over the past year or so. We resolved the issues, I accused him of an affair, after he told me he loved me but didn't like me anymore (it appears unfounded but it niggles me from time to time - but don't really want to go there, i have accepted it at face value), my dad is end stage heart failure and has had ups and downs, last month has been a huge down and I am not sure he will recover (although feel like a fraud as we were in this position a year ago and he defied all the odds). I am terrified of my own grief and that of my boys (who adore their grandad).

DS1 (6) has real attitude lately, I have posted about him before and possible Aspergers. DH scores highly for aspergers.

Dh and I argued on about 3 weeks ago, he had lost his temper and shouted at the kids and was OTT, i suggested he maybe needed some time out (he had been unhappy about work/kids for a while). He lost it, said if he was going he would be gone forever. I tried to stop him and he pushed me, not hard, but out the way and it shocked me.

I feel like I am drowning to be honest, can't look at DH the same way (we have been together 12 years and he has never ever shown me aggression).

I told him tonight that i can't carry on, that i feel like i am at breaking point and the only thing that i can control is our relationship, that is it was easier with the kids when he is not here, that i feel unsupported (he is a huge practical help but he wouldn't pick up on my sadness unless I told him - aspergers traits showing i guess).

He was devastated, never seen him upset like that. I really hurt him, but I do feel like that, although once i started it all poured out and i was not tactful at all. he has said all he right things, been understanding. I feel like i have ruined the relationship, i am upset to see him hurting.

Not sure what i am asking really, just needed to get it all out, and don't want to confide in my friends or family at the moment. I am holding on my my fingernails and if i let go i am not sure I will be strong enough to cope.

(((whattodo))))

Sounds like that you have a lot going on there and you need to separate them out:

1. your father's health/your stress/your impending grief.
2. your husband pushing you.
3. your husband's aspergers.
4. your relationship generally and whether there is a future.

I can't say I have any real advice other than try to make sure that you are not rolling all those up into one and reacting to one or the other because of another cause.

So he pushed you, threatened to leave forever and you're worried you have ruined the relationship? Has he been worrying about that in the last few weeks?

There was no way to be honest about your unhappiness without hurting him, and it's not surprising that under the current circumstances you were unable to keep it bottled up inside. You shouldn't have to.

It sounds like it might be better for everyone to have some time apart. A calmer home environment would help your ds as well. How feasible is that?

Why aren't you turning to friends and family? They must want to help out if they know how poorly your dad is. Please reach out in real life - you may think you can hold it all together and that that's best for everyone else but it isn't best for you.

Selfloathing - thank you, that makes sense, I am rolling it all in to one.

Tribpot - I know he sounds like a monster but he is (was) the sweetest man, who would do anything for anyone, he just can't understand emotions. He has been worrying about me in his own way, taking the strain at home. I know i shouldn't feel guilty, at all. To be honest I am normally a very strong woman and would not put up with crappy behaviour at all. I made it very very clear that if he ever pushed me or anything like it again he would be gone, and i mean it. Time apart would be a good idea but to be honest I need him here as i am struggling to manage work, childcare (my parents usually have my boys 1 day a week).

I think i need to break it down as selfloathing suggested and to be fair DH suggested this too. That we deal with the here and now, my dad etc. I am away with the boys in May, he is finishing some work on the house. he suggested we use the time to think, come back and see where we go and if I want to call it a day then we would separate then.

tribpot The reason i do not tell my friends etc is with my dad it has been so up and down that in the past when things have settled i feel like i have made a fuss. I have a very supportive friend at work, who knows i am struggling even though i have not said. I could talk to her and i might do. I only stay in control by not saying. If i cried on someone I don't think i would ever stop. I do my crying on my own. Its just the way i am.