Toxic relationship between Mum (60s) and Nan (99) - help!

[Viewofhedges]

My Nan is nearly 100 and is pretty damn amazing for her age. She's just moved into a home - which she hates - but because she simply can't live on her own any more. But that's another topic. My difficulty is my Mum, who is 68, and Nan, upset each other to the point of tears almost every time they see each other. Mum will drive over an hour to get there, then they'll row, and then they'll phone me both in tears.

Mum is a grudge holder and still blames Nan for things like being an only child (despite Nan losing another child) and for things that happened half a century ago. Nan can be pretty unkind about the home she's in and can fail to understand the impact of Mum's ill health, and can be ungrateful for what she has. But I manage to get on well with Nan and I do call her up on things occasionally, and she's reasonable enough to see when she might owe an apology or could look at things in another way.

I've tried various things in the past - I got Mum to have counselling, but that didn't help.

I've just had Nan call me in tears again. I'm finding this hard to cope with.

What can I do? How can I try to help to mend this before it's too late - or at least to avoid the conflict?

I have my own things to deal with, but can't share with either of them. Infertility and IVF without being able to share with family sucks. Means I have to be careful with my own mental health but I'm also aware how much my Nan needs me while all this is going on.

There's very little you can do to resolve their issues. There are a whole lifetime of problems there and it's not on you to fix it. I have a very similar situation in my family, also with an aged gp nearing 100 (I think once you're past 92 you are indestructible....)

The only thing you can do is keep your own relationship with both of them as you want it. That sometimes means being a bit harsh if one is moaning about the other. I think maybe you should share your own issues as well? Clearly they both love you and having a shared concern might bring them round a bit, it at least give them a conversational focus that's outside their relationship? You need support too - don't feel you need to hold back.

Its a bit difficult with your Nan now as she is getting a bit old to change and I think you are doing what you can there.
Regarding your Mum-she is being a bit selfish in keep involving you-its called triangulation.
These are long standing issues and you can't solve them for her.
Its a shame that your relationship with your Mum is all one way and you can't mention your own difficulties.

I am in my 60s and my Mum is in her 90s. She is in a nursing home which is all that can be done in her circumstances. She is not happy and sometimes tries to make me feel even more guilty than I do that I can't look after her at home. Its also upsetting to see her deteriorate. Like most mother/daughters we have some history (mix of good and bad).
Sometimes I come away from visits upset but I don't think it would be fair to keep phoning my kids about it. (I do mention it at times but try not to go on too much).
I think you need to be a bit firm with your Mum and tell her that you're sorry she's upset but you can't change the situation and steer her on to other topics. I wonder how it would go if you talked to her about the IVF-would she be supportive or would she turn it into another worry for herself?

Tell your mom to keep you out of it. Tell your Nan that you love your mom and you like to stay out of what's going on between them. If they bring it up, see if you can change the topic.

Sounds to me that your mom is frustrated with being the sole carer of your nan (if she is not getting help) .And since she may had an unhappy childhood, or feel her mother was never supportive, she may be angry that she is unable to cut all communication from her. Your mom need help