Dh & i have a rather adolescent relationship. Lots of arguments, we have never taken anything to heart, we make up, we dont hold grudges, we carry on, we argue, we shout, we make up etc etc.
Recently, over the last year our lives have changed a little. He has a new job, new collegues, new influences, new social life ( although not extensive) male dominated environment all rather 'base'. He Sits for hours at the computer on the internet when he gets home. He isn't seperate from the family becuase the computer is in the main living area.
He has a short temper. I refuse to be frightened into being quiet. This is not to say he is deliberatley trying to frighten me, just that a raised mans voice is frightening IMO ( becuase of my childhood i think this)
He has always been someone who loves to spend. his philosophy is to deal with it when it happens, something will come along, don't worry about it now. I however, find it difficult keeping on top of finances. on what comes in and what goes out. this causes me a huge amount of stress. i deal with huge stresses everyday and i just can't deal with this one. I am a number imbicile, stupid even. I cant remember my own salary ( there abouts but not exactly) i forget my own age sometimes. I am really number stupid.
so i devolve the responsability of the household finances to him. Becuase of his deprived childhood, exceedingly poor etc he likes to have things. Things dont bother me. I wasn't poor as a child but i wasn't overwhelmed with things either.
I hate his new attitude from work. the creeping mysoginy of a male dominated environment. He spends no time with me or with the children(except watching specific telly progs 2 or 3 times a week for an hour at most.)Weekends we argue all the time. all the time. It's not like we dont know each other. This isn't a fledgling relationship. All i can see is a man obsessed with self gratification.
i have had two periods in my life where i have been cery depressed. i mean contemplating the best way of doing myself in depressed (people who have been depressed with understand this hopelessness i hope. I am not suicidal) and it's creeping in again, i can feel it. I seem to work and cry, work and cry.
The children dread weekends becuase over the last 3 months we have done nothing but argue. Last weekend was the blow out of the century. It started over nothing. I have the bank cards to stop dh from spending ( he doesnt spend on himself but just spends) this doesn't mean i know what money we actually have, what's waiting to go out or what is waiting to be paid, what needs to be left in becuase it must be paid by dd next week etc - i don't know, i just have the bank cards.
He wanted to go and buy some beer to drink in the house. I don't like drinking in the house ( for myself not the principle) i don't find it enjoyable and cannot really see the point quite frankly. Self gratification 'ug' man appears and we have huge row becuase i say things about money & self gratification, what about my evening, i work too etc etc - lasts all evening he goes out and buys beer & cigarettes. I go to bed at 9pm. I don't deny him the in house drinking. It's just my idea of a great friday night after a week working isn't to watch my husband pass out at the computer whilst i spend yet another evening alone watching ukstyle!
This carried on into Saturday and culminated in us violently screaming at each other and he said he was going to divorce me. He meant it. With all his heart and soul, he meant it and i begged him not to. In frenzied semi argue i scream "Please dont leave me, i haven't worked this hard for all these years for you to leave me now"
to which he replies "Good God have some dignity"
That one statement has floored me.
Although we are speaking now i feel it's all different and i don't know what to do. I don't know why with age i have diluted my principles. When life was harder and the children were smaller, i would have left. He knew 100% i would. There seems to have been a shift in power and the equilibrium has changed. I wonder whether i should just walk out with the children and plonk myself at the council offices and ask for help.
The dilema dear reader is this, i think i would only be doing this to regain some dignity. I want him to change although i know in my heart he won't. I want to frighten him into trying. I dont want to spend the rest of my life alone. I don't want to go back into the meat market of dating. I don't want to start my life again. I just want to show my husband i have dignity and self respect and there are boundaries he cant cross. words are not enough.
Congratulations for finishing this long and dreary post. Please let me have my anonymity if i have given myself away. thank you.