feel like I have been bullied my whole life

[ElevenTwelve]

Totally bullied by my parents as a child and teenager.

Was ok at primary school but then we moved house and I started at a secondary school that was awful and was bullied there for 4 years. One girl took a dislike to me on my first day and no one in my year ever really liked me because she wouldn't let them like me. Used to get called awful things and hit on a regular basis. Parents said it was probably my fault for being a "difficult" person.

Left school, went to college. In my first week there I somehow got on the wrong side of a very tough girl on my course, who then bullied me throughout that.

Have had a couple of jobs where I've been bullied. Even got bullied on an internet forum. Oh and I joined a post natal group when my youngest child was born, went on a night out and one woman took a dislike to me, got drunk and tried to hit me.

Have had a few years bullying free now and building confidence up but now feel intimidated and bullied by a woman who has a child in my DC's school class. DC and her child had a minor falling out one day (they are only 5, it was nothing major and they are friends again now) and this woman hit the roof and has since done nothing but hassle me, barge into me, talk about me loudly and tell other people not to speak to me. So I now feel totally intimidated and friend-less at school collection and drop off.

Does anyone else feel they have been bullied their whole life? I do have friends btw but I keep them all separate and they are all unconnected to each other and to things like the school run etc. I do have a job now where I'm happy and where I've made friends.

Can I ask how you have reacted? Are you going Quiet and think all the other moms are on her side?

ElevenTwelve that's really difficult.
I know what it's like to feel that you are susceptible to bullying, or 'invite' it somehow, and that from there there's the chicken and egg thing of a depressive outlook, IYSWIM.

I think this is something you need to take a step back from, read around, talk to with a good counsellor if possible. (Sorry if that sounds really glib and obvious, which I know it does.)

So yes, IKWYM, and also the difficulty of trying to identify if there is something that you need to change or recognise whilst trying not to go into a sort of distorted, self-pitying 'victim mentality', whilst also trying to acknowledge the truth and dynamics of what has actually happened and work forward.

God, I sound like a proper pompous armchair-psych . But yes, I think I do know what you're talking about.

Yes I probably am, momtothree.

I think the stuffing is knocked out of me to be honest and I can't cope with shit.

OK - first she will be one of the moms everyone talks about - will be pleasant to their face but hate on the inside - you will find she has done this before to others. Take your head out of the sand and realise this is nothing to do with you - talk to other moms get some perspective from them - speak to school they will haul her in over playground behaviour. You feel weak because you need to take control of the situation...

I think that one of the things with bullying is that it affects everyone.
People are a lot weaker and less 'noble' than they like to think. I think that many if not most people instinctively recognize a bully, even if they don't consciously acknowledge it, and avoid being the 'sick one in the herd' or scapegoat (i.e. the bullied person). But if you've been that person before (i.e. the 'victim') then it's a kind of reflex reaction to go into your self - and to step into the 'role', so that it becomes a kind of self-fulfilling prophesy and history repeats itself.

I also think that some people who've been 'the victim' before haven't learnt or don't use the self-preservation mechanisms that 'the crowd' (i.e. not the bully or the victim) have. Sometimes I think that that's maybe because if you've been bullied before, you actually know that you can survive it. Also, at some level, you take on the 'victim' role because you know how shitty and cowardly it is to put someone else in that position.

Right. I'm waffling on like a stoned teenager now. I'm going to get back to work.

July I am starting counselling soon so hopefully it will help.

momtothree, she seems very popular. Everyone likes her and she seems to be a pivotal person in the playground.

Yes perception ..... not fact .... go find out!

How do I do that though? I haven't got the confidence to just waltz up to people and start badmouthing others.

Hi, sorry you dont bad mouth her at all.... your daughter must have other friends, you must know other moms, so start building these relationships ... you may need help and someone to rely on in future ... then say .... u know x has started pushing me in the street .... again you dont have to say what a bitch ... abd take it from there .... talk about how u feel, how upset DD was, again not about HER ... you`D be suprised.

I've been thinking about this thread whilst out and about today...

I think one of the things that can happen if you've been treated shittily in the past so that you're maybe always slightly depressed and sort of expecting it will happen again at any moment, is that when you see signs or reminders, you can go a bit 'rabbit in the headlights' - like you're just kind of waiting for history to repeat itself.

Maybe at least if you can understand that this is what you're going through (I mean the thoughts and feelings and internal experience, not necessarily a series of events that's just like lots of others - because it might not be...) then that's something to work on, rather than feeling as if you're about to re-experience something, and then sort of letting it play out - or taking the view that that must be what's happening - if that makes sense?

July I think you are right in what you've said; I have suffered from depression throughout my entire life since the age of about 12 when I started at secondary school. I have been on and off anti depressants since the age of 20.

I have to admit I do often feel as though people don't like me, but on the other hand I am a little scared of being myself.

Everyone feels like that at some point. But by cutting yourself off you make yourself feel worse. If im honest you are judging the other moms perspective negatively without finding out what it is. We all know the loud busy body moms - where they make it known how Offended they are - DC is part of their extension. They arent liked but tolerated. The others moms dont know how upset u are because u havent given them chance to open up. Speak to a few a guage their opinion.

You're probably scared of being yourself because you were slapped down when you were 12 and it really hurt, cut down your confidence.

But you're an adult now. Bullies are pathetic - bear that you in mind! Keep your eye on your posture - stand up straight and tall. Look them straight in the eye.

It's not 'happening all over again', it's just somebody trying their luck. Don't let them succeed. You have a right to be here and to be yourself. Fill out your space, no-one gets to push you around/call the shots.

To answer your q: yes. By my family, teachers, boyfriends, husband, friends, colleagues etc etc. I don't take it seriously any more. They can go fuck themselves - I will not allow them to do that to me. The bullying has nothing to do with me, all to do with them. I got bullied when it mattered, when I was young, but I'm not taking it into the rest of my life.

Be yourself. You have nothing to lose, everything to gain. Don't be kind around a bully, it's the proverbial pearls before swine, they will trample all over you. Bullies are everywhere, don't let them get their kicks off you.

You are not alone. People sniff out insecurity or vulnerability and pounce.

bullies sniff out insecurity, vulnerability, and pounce. Most people don't do that shit.

I find it impossible to believe that this woman is popular. I for one would be strongly at being told not to speak to anyone.

Are u feeling any better?