Large age gap relationship and death

[frostmeadow]

Hi everyone. I'm not a parent myself, but I'm here to seek advice from parents.

I'm 21 and I've been dating a 51 year old man. The obvious age gap always got people questioning. But what other people thinks isn't a concern to us at all.
He is a person who takes care of his own appearance, smart, loving, caring and young at heart. We enjoy learning about things about different generation from each other. He is a very healthy person, he eats clean and does plenty of sports. When we first met, I didn't even ask about his age. He looks like he's in his late 30s. It was shocked when he told me his actual age later on. He is very kinky and still has very big sexual appetite compared to many people of his age.
However, both of us have the same concern, which is death. He will age and die so much faster than me. His appearance and health will deteriorate over time, way ahead of me. I don't mind being a carer for someone I love, but I believe he won't need a carer too soon as he lives healthily. What we are both afraid is that he will die when I'm about 40~50 year old and I would have to endure all those pain, loneliness and sadness too soon in my life.
Our plan is to just go with the flow. And we will tell each other if we fall in love with someone of our own age so that we can have a "normal" relationship with people at the same stage of our life.

Will life be too hard for me after his death? Anyone has real life example how my life will potentially be?

Maybe I just need to be comforted that life would be just fine.

There's no real life example as everyone is emotionally different and live via different means etc.

So long as you are realistic, and it sounds like you are as you recognise that he is going to hit the ageing process sooner than yourself, then its down to your own discretion really.

I have been in a 30 + year gap relationship before and so don't question your attraction or motives.

Do consider that you may have to be his primary carer in 20 years time depending on his health, and if you do decide to have children- is he going to be willing or able to do all of the running around etc

You could marry someone your own age and he may still die at any time. Enjoy each other while you can. Life is short :)

I don't think stories of anyone else's bereavement would help you, really.

Yes, some people are widowed young (not only those with a much older DH/DP). And they just have to deal with it, when it happens and depending on what has happened (accident, crime, illness).

I hope the focus on death is temporary. (And that he is just as concerned about how he'd cope if you died).

My parents had only nine months between them. Sadly my mum died in her fifties and my dad has been alone for the last twenty years - death can't be predicted. Mum was healthy and swam every day, cycled, she never smoked and didn't over drink.

"Our plan is to just go with the flow. And we will tell each other if we fall in love with someone of our own age so that we can have a "normal" relationship with people at the same stage of our life."

I think that is a big problem in any relationship. You have nearly said you plan to stay together until one of you finds someone you are more suited to, and then you will separate. If either of you thinks there is someone out there you are more suited to, how happy are you together now? If you alreasy have doubts, having children will not fix anything, it will drive you apart and make life harder.

The age gap is not a big deal in itself, but the fact you have to ask this, and the way you have asked, suggests you might not be entirely happy together.

Life won't be just fine. Life never is if you need someone to tell you that it will be! Mumsnet is full of parents whose lives are far from fine, some whose children are seriously ill or disabled, who do the best for their children and spouses because it is all they ever intended. Life isn't fine, you have to make it fine.

Death is part of life. It is the last thing we ever do. So what if you are there when he dies. You can always start again. Maybe with your own 21 year old partner. If we could all time travel we would make different choices, but so what. If it works now what is there to be worried about.

I know of a couple who were in your situation with a big age gap. They got married and there was a lot of angst about how she would cope when he died etc.

She succumbed to breast cancer in her late 30s and tragically died before her 40th birthday. Despite all the hang wringing beforehand about their age gap and her future alone, he ended up the one having to raise their children alone. He wouldn't rewrite his life without his deceased wife or his children, both of whom he loved enormously.

Short point is you really never know what is round the corner if you are happy, enjoy today and don't worry too much about tomorrow.

The only thing I would say from having observed close relatives with a 15 year age gap is that it does seem to have a depressing effect on the younger partner when you get to a certain age. This other couple are now 70 and 85 but from when she was about 60, she said she ended up thinking about death a lot because her husband was more in the "end stage" of life than she was. So he talked about it but also it infected his language and way of thinking. Eg. saying things to young people like "well my life is over" type stuff. If you are with someone who is at that life stage, it is inevitable it will infect you. I suppose it's the reverse end of a younger partner making you feel young.

Although you may die before your partner, the chances are far more likely that he will die well before you. There's no way around this, apart from accepting the risk, and making the best of it. I wish you luck.

He will age and die so much faster than me

Sooner you mean.

In the natural course of life yes he will croak before you however ime you simply never know when your time is up. You may get hit by a bus on the way back from the youth club and he may live long enough to get a few cards from the queen.

Your inexperience of life shows by this post in itself. Your bloke likes you because you make him feel young again however be aware of the opposite effect, he can make you old before your time.

The fact that you are even thinking about having to wipe his arse when he eventually needs caring for shows this is happening. You are 21 get out there and have fun don't plan on nursing some old codger on a mid life crisis fling.

Anyway you are only dating so don't think long term.

I agree with willbill.

The main concern is not with him dying before you or who falls under a bus first. It is the fact that your life has just begun and his is now going into decline. Even just 10 years from now, you will still be just 31 and should be out having a great time but he will probably have slowed out significantly.

He is likely to cramp your style.

Don't you want to experience life's firsts with a contemporary, rather than with someone who has seen and done it before?

It sounds harsh I know but I am in my late 40s and friends my age who have married older men with large age gaps seem to really be feeling it now whereas I still think I am in my late 30s ...

You're so young! You'll probably change a lot over the next few years. I really wouldn't worry about looking ahead at this point.

hi OP, I married a man who was "only" 19 years my senior but we are now divorcing. I think that thinking of death etc is something you shouldn't have to be contemplating at this stage in your life (unless you had met someone with a life limiting illness). But the issue cannot be swept under the carpet because it will only get worse the as each year passes.

For me, the deadbreaker was that we didn't have children when I was in my 20's. when we started trying for DC a few years ago it didn't happen and I suspect this was due to both our ages. Until this point I had imagined having DC round me as a consolation for potentially being widowed early. When it became apparent that we weren't going to conceive I fell into a deep depression. I felt that I had wasted my youth (from age 22). Now I am in my 35 I would never go with someone in there early 20s because it would feel exploitative.

So from experience, my advice would be to seek couple or individual counselling before you make any sort of formal or informal commitment. Decide for example if you want kids and be aware that you might have to do this sooner rather than later. Try to be brutally honest about all your options/fears/concerns.

It's not all doom and gloom but I think you need a plan for all the hurdles you both will face. And I think that planning for a realistic scenario is best (I.e. you could have 20 happy healthy years together but your needs are paramount (e.g. children and some sort of career). For example a read about a couple with a similar age gap to yours who had kids while the woman was still young. The husband was in his 50,s and became a very involved SAHD (so had lots of quality time with the DC while he could). And the woman got a nursing degree so that she could support herself in the future.

Also I went for an older man because I was a bit contrary and thought I was immune to convention. But that starts to wear a bit thin eventually!

Sorry to keep posting, but just to say that 'going with the flow' is fine if you know deep down that this should only be a short term thing. Think of Scarlett Johansson who had lots lots of interesting dalliances but eventually married a man of a similar age when she was in her late 20s .

There's just no telling how it will end up though. I met a young woman recently whose Mum was 30 years younger than her Dad. Her mum sadly developed young onset dementia and so her Dad ended up caring for her mum. They have both sadly passed away, only a month apart from one another. The woman I met had spent all her life preparing to lose her Dad, and he reached his 90s. It was so sad.

Good luck with your future.

21 is pretty young to be thinking about settling down. Don't get pressured into doing anything you're not happy with. Why not carry on dating for a while and have fun without jumping into a big commitment. To be totally honest, I'd be concerned about a 21 year old getting involved with a much older man with a taste for kink. He might be fine, I just feel with that gap there is a risk that the power balance could be way out.

Don't waste your life on this relationship.

Statistically you are likely to be a widow for 40 years. At an age when men your age are looking for relationships with 20something women.

I'd be devastated if my daughter chose this life path.

What about DCs? Older men are more likely to have DCs with abnormalities, even if their partner is younger. Would you be happy with your DCs having other people think daddy is grandpa?

You day he likes 'kinky' sex- exactly what do you mean by this? Does he see you as immature and easy to manipulate into situations that women his age would pull him up on? Do you even know enough about your own sexuality to know what you want? (You said that he likes it, not you)

I'd advise putting this one down to experience and moving on.

My dh is 63, I am 42.
In the last year or so he has turned from middle aged to starting to be old.
His memory is not what it was, his hearing is going, his aches and pains are constant.
He still has the same attitude to life he has always had for the 24 years we have been together, but he is slowing down. I'm fit, healthy and now that the dc are grown up I was looking forward to being able to do more together as a couple.
Its a hard road.

Honestly, I wouldn't think twice about it. What matters is that you feel great together now. You could come down with a debilitating illness, or get knocked over and he'd be caring for you. It's impossible to guess how your life might evolve long term. Just enjoy each other's company and make plans with your love for each other as the focus of them, not potential problems in old age.

Well... if my DD (who is similar age to you) wanted to settle with someone of this age, I would be gutted, absolutely gutted. (sorry, this may not go down well on here, I'm just being honest).

Your bf might be fit as a flea at the moment, large sexual appetite etc but that will all slowly change in the next, say five or ten years, just when you are in your prime. You may think different at the moment, but you may well get irritated with him slowing down and being old man-ish.

I have a friend who is 55 and her DH is 21 years older than her, they've been married 26 years. Their marriage has deteriorated greatly. She is a hill walker, very fit, petite and she looks mid forties, he now looks and behaves like an over 80 yr old. Your gap is bigger than this.

Good luck with whatever you do.

Not all relationships that start from the same circumstances as yours go wrong, but as a salutary example of romance with an older man who likes it a bit kinky, read the story told on here by adorably 2014.