hating myself after abusive relationship

[Underthedeepblueocean]

My husband has gone. I made him go. He was awful.

Our marriage resulted in three children - one of whom isn't born yet - and I hate the fact I have children with him. Hate the fact he hated me. He must have to have treated me so awfully.

I'm left wondering - where was my pride, self respect, dignity? Why did I crawl around him begging and whining for kindness?

Why am I so weak that I still love him?

Why doesn't anyone love me?

I know the above is whiny and indulgent. I just know some of you might understand x

I understand what you are saying.

When you have made a commitment to stay with someone - marriage and children - you don't easily put that aside the moment things don't seem as rosy as you'd hoped. You keep aiming for that image you have in your head, where you are together and happy. And it gets harder and harder to get anywhere near that image so you keep trying harder and harder - tying yourself in knots, bending your personality out of shape to try and fit your partner's. This is why you were 'weak' and 'whiny' as you put it. You weren't being yourself.

Now take a long deep breath. You can be you again.

It will take some time to reestablish your sense of who you are, but you will, piece by piece, put yourself back together again. You have already made the first and most important step.

Be kind to yourself. Everything is going to be OK.

I just don't see how I couldn't have seen what he was doing.

I don't pride myself on my intelligence but even so.

Abusers break you down. They warp your sense of reality. It's not your fault even though he probably led you to think it was. You'll be ok. You'll be better without him.

It has fuck all to do with intelligence.

Imagine a frog plunged into boiling water. It would freak out and scrabble around trying to get out. The same frog in the same water, slowly turned up by .25/.5 a degree every so often, won't notice anything wrong until it is too late.

It isn't you. It is your twunt of an ex. And you are blahhdy amazing for getting shot of him to give you and your kids a chance of a decent peaceful life.

Well done.

Thank you.

But honestly there were times when he was just awful. We'd barely been married a month when he took my car keys off me and wouldn't let me drive to a friends wedding. He just held them out of my reach. I was trying to get them and he pushed me; I fell against the kitchen cabinet and lost my temper. He hit me 'to calm me down' and said he wouldn't let me drive as I was hysterical.

Obviously friend was upset I missed her wedding. That was the first of so many friendship casualties. It ended with me where I am now - completely alone.

Under, it ended where you are now - free from his bullshit, after you told him to leave.

You have just taken a huge and important step. You are stronger than you think.

Abusive relationships fuck with your sense of identity on many levels. Its still very early days. You're going to be Ok, though. You've taken the hardest step already x

It's just so awful. No friends. No family. Three children - oh I love them but in a different time I could have been a nice normal mum with a nice normal dad for them. Or maybe not, maybe it's just me.

You can make friends. You can rebuild a different life. I PROMISE. Its possible. But you are bruised emotionally and you need lots of time to get back your sense of self, your strength and your peace of mind. It wont happen overnight. Its scary. But you can do it. You WILL do it. And one day you will look back at this time and it will all be a part of your past, something that made you who you are but does not have power over you anymore.

Have you thought about counselling? Or joining a support group for women who have experienced domestic abuse?

You are not alone. I am here, and other women who have been in abusive relationships are here, too. And personally, I applaud you. You have done the hardest thing. Youre awesome x

And its NOT you. Anyone...any woman...no matter what class or creed or how clever or successful she is or not - can find herself in an abusive relationship.

It was him, not you. Wearing you down & isolating you is all part of the abusers 'way'.

You have done the amazing thing of getting out. You have given your DC and you a new future.

New frienships will be built. You might also find old friends are still there....

Take it one day at a time....

On a practical level I can't manage counselling due to money and no one to have the children. I can't let STBX have them unsupervised; I hope that's the right decision.

I have had that same feeling too, and two years later it sometimes creep back again. But now I have the evidence in front of me (calmer, happier, safer children) that it was right not to let him back again. I know rationally that it was not me but him.
You must have tons of examples like the horrible keys out of reach for the wedding. It is atrocious. It is such a Lie when they say that it was you who made them hit you (or whatever), but it does get to you.
Hang in there, one day at å time.
My boys used to say they wanted to kill themselves. Often. I could not understand how the abusive home situation had affected them to such a degree. Now that time has passed I start to understand and have finally stopped their contact with him until we get a court order. So you are doing the right thing in not letting your ex see the kids unsupervised.
I think you are very brave, I think all of us are. But some real life support would be good for you. Could you reach out to one of those friends? Try to explain what your ex did? Or your family?

Family are dead and no, I just couldn't. That example above for instance was in 2004. I don't even know where that friend is now. Think the last friend went in 2012.

There's so much going on in your posts that any abuse survivor will recognise.

Blaming yourself: We all wondered what was wrong with US when we were in abusive relationships, and once we were out of them. Because in a way, it's easier to blame ourselves: "It happened because I'm defective" is a more comforting thought, in a way, than "It happened because the world is a place where random cruelties happen, against which there is really no protection." But in fact, the latter is the case. You fell in an abusive man's clutches. He treated you like that because he wanted to. It could have happened to any woman. It happened to you, and now you have to pick up the pieces, and that's not fair and I'm sorry you have to go through this. But you can.

Thinking you are doomed to be alone : The Relationships board is full of women who have left abusive relationships. ALL of them report rebuilding a new life for themselves, with new friends and hobbies and partners and careers that they never would have dreamed possible before. You have children, so it will make going out just as difficult as it is for any single parent: tough, but not impossible. The world is full of nice people that you can get to know. I swear. Sure, it will take a little bit of time and effort. But it will be so worth it.

Counselling: Ask your GP to put you on the waiting list for NHS counselling. And in the meantime, sign up to the Freedom Programme: they may have a class near you. They also have a free online course. But try to get something face to face in if you can: FP or Women's Aid will sometimes organise group therapy for abuse survivors. Talking it out with other women who are going through what you are going through is a great release and help. I live in a non-English speaking country, so I used the Emotional Abuse thread on MN as group therapy. Basically, there are helpful things out there that are free or nearly free, while you wait to be able to afford individual counseling.

Thanks, I had counselling which I guess is why I left but I can't afford it and don't have anyone to have the children.

I did not have counselling. It was not possible due to being alone with 3 kids and no family around. No 3 is autistic so Even if I had the money then I could not have left her with a babysitter.
I moved back home to my family after six months, which has made a huge difference. I used mumsnet and Google and books from Amazon as my self help.
If you have young children do try your local sure start/children's centre if there is one you can get to. Or ring them. They often have dv Groups and can help with childcare and sometimes transport. They may have Groups or individual sessions and can provide a creche as they know most women in this situation will be a bit stuck for money and childcare options. I recommend it as a start.

OP nothing and I mean nothing you could have done would have stopped this man from being abusive, intellegance, kindness and love from you wouldn't have stopped it.
I ran my own business and no one had a clue what was happening behind closed doors.

I example of the frog above is spot on. You trusted and loved someone who used and abused you and that love BUT he has gone now and as scary as life seems for you now it will get better.
Just going to bed knowing that you and the children are safe is a massive step forward, don't underestimate these achievements.
Every time you do something that he didn't allow/would abuse you over congratulate yourself and give yourself some love for doing it... baby steps.

How about contacting your local woman support groups or womans aid (they have very useful forums), talk to your GP and search for every form of support that the internet allows you access to.
I saw my GP and had therapy which was really helpful, I know ( because I have been to houses) that some therapists come to the house so you can maybe put a movie on for your children and talk, so ask the GP and womans aid etc.

What I want to say is even though you feel the way you do now that you are amazing, really you are. You have taken your control back.

Thank you, that is very kind. I don't feel at all amazing; I feel a mess!

I do think that so many girls at 18 would have told him to fuck off when he started with his control and I feel I must have been pathetic to have let him. You're all being lovely but I do feel like I contributed to the problem - he got worse but so did I. It was like we fed off each other. I let him do anything to keep him

That's because he fucked your head up. I know, I've been there.

Instead of thinking if I'd done this/that/"stood up for myself"/got rid of him how about thinking WOW I have gotten rid of him now, I am bloody fan fricking tastic.

Because you are! It was NOT your fault. You have done so so so well by getting him out of your life.

Also you wouldn't do anything to keep him, you've gotten rid of him now. I know what you mean, but still, don't feel as you did get rid of him.

The freedom program is very good. If you can attend a local one it normally includes child care. If not it can be done online and it is very informative. Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that" is a very good book to read on abusive men and their thoughts.
None of your ex behaviour towards you was your fault.

You think you messed up? I spent 30 years with my abusive exH and on paper I had it all - fantastic academic achievements and a high flying job and a marriage with three DC. I lived every single day though knowing that I was unattractive and inadequate because he told me so.

A few years ago it all fell apart for me, job, marriage, the lot. I am happier now than I have ever been and I would never, ever go back to the life I had before. It was miserable and I was not me in it.

I know what you mean about the anger. How the hell did I not see it? Why on earth did I put up with it? The advice on this thread is spot on. Sign up for any help you can get. Treat yourself kindly and know that life will only get better from now on. Like others of us you picked a bad 'un. That doesn't make us stupid it makes us human. You know better now. Look on it as a life lesson learned and a stepping stone to a better life.

Thank you. You're all very kind

Yes, treat yourself kindly! You did notcause him to abuse you. It is hard, because in such a rerelationship one does all sorts of odd things. I, for one, Even went back and had one more child. Totally on a hiding to nothing, on a hiding to be another number in the two-a-week statistic as it turned out. That was what it took, that the police came and physically removed him and gave me the choice of not accepting him back. The guilt I felt when choosing that he should not come back was crushing. It did not feel like it, but it was the start of a new life. It may take a while, but please dont doubt that gradually you will see, feel and believe that you are wonderful and in charge of yourself!