Helping parents financially-feeling guilty and angry

[BazilGin]

I am not sure if this is the right place for this sort of thread. I suppose I am looking for some opinions on whether what I feel is right or not. My parents have always been struggling financially, whether through bad management or being unlucky. I grew up in Eastern Europe, my mum still lives there whilst my dad moved to uk to earn money and he sends most to help my mum. I helped them a lot financially over the years, since I moved to UK.
I have my own family now, lovely husband, 2 small DCs. My dad upset me today again as he asked to borrow £50 out of the blue. It's been a while since he asked for money, (probably a year) and I know it doesn't sound a lot but he never returned any money I lend him in the past. (I believe it was £200 last time) I am on maternity leave and currently on the last 3 unpaid months so money is tight.
I am not sure if I am right to be annoyed and angry about my dad or whether I should accept it as my responsibility. My younger sister is sill living with my mum and unemployed. She was studying for a long time and never got herself a job to support herself. She is currently 'looking' but even with a degree, I can't see her getting a decent job soon. My older sister supports herself but is a single mum of one and also struggling.
I am torn between wanting to help them to being really angry about their situation. I feel guilty that I am in a better position, e.g own a house (mortgage) whilst they rent. Etc mind you, We are careful with money, haven't been on hols for 2 years etc.

I've called time on helping out my forever needy family member and made it clear that's it. It's meant I can now treat my dad and step mum...who deserve it.

My focus is now on my own family and it was the expectation I'd always bail out that finally led me to snap. This person still had a cleaner, full nails, cut and colour etc when they lost their job! Didn't admjust their lifestyle at all.

No sorry, we can't afford it.

End of discussion.

Just say you don't have the fifty pounds

Well, it doesn't sound like you can afford it at the moment. So guilt is out of the question - whatever you do don't go into debt to help them. That helps nobody.

If your situation improves you can still help them in the future, you just can t help them now.

It sounds as though you feel really conflicted. It also sounds as if your family have come to view you as their fail safe bail out system! Maybe you have helped so often they have come to expect it now, and they don't realise what it 'costs' you, in every sense of the word.

It's great to help out if you can/want to, but you have your own family and responsibilities now.

Why did he want £50 anyway?. I hope you told him an outright no.

Stop bailing him out because enabling him helps no-one least of all him. You are not helping him by giving him cash and you are not the Bank of Child to Dad. He has also not paid you back either.

It's really hard, i agree. I stopped helping my dad financially when things got tight for us a few years ago and actually it was helpful, as he has stopped asking now even though we are quite a bit better off.

A few years before that, I started paying a small amount directly into his bank account every month because I couldn't afford or cope with the out of the blue requests accompanied by massive emotional blackmail. That made things easier for me as I could then refuse the requests without guilt.

Unfortunately my dad has found other people to exploit which I didn't expect and I do feel guilty about that. I have accepted though that I am never going to feel 'all right' in this area. It's better than it was though.

I did this when my DC were young, for my brother who believed they were worse off than me and would come to visit then ask for £20 to get home or £50 to pay a bill. (A lot of money then). In fact at the time I and then DH were in horrendous debt, I was a SAHM because I couldnt find work to fit with childcare (he worked away from home) and I didnt have a £ to spare. But I thought I had to help my family, and also that I couldnt ask anyone for help myself (yes I know) so I found the money and handed it over. 30 years on I am in dire financial straits, on my own, and I wouldnt ask him for money even though he is retired (young) and has done very well. He hasnt offered either, or any other form of help come to that. In hindsight its not whether you lend the money or don't, it's what the family member chooses to make of it IYSWIM, and you have no control over that.
You don't have the money, so just say you can't afford to lend it. Then the ball is in his court.

Thank you for all replies. It is difficult issue, as he got better and knows he can't ask for as much as he used to. I gave him £40 and said he has to pay it back...felt akward because of easter timing and The fact that I didn't invite him over for easter either (mind you, he knows he is always welcome, but not once did he save enough money to travel to see me).
The money was to send to my mum, I think they were short on paying some bill or rent.
I suppose the thing with my guilt is, I am comfortable and they are not. However, there are things I would like to save for, like loft conversion or a family car. Maybe when I am back working full time I will be able to help them in a different way.

My husband is also an expat and sends a set amount home monthly to his family. Perhaps a set amount would work for you, too? That way, if they mismanage, you know you have done your best.

Hello Bazil

I see that you are on maternity leave, so money is tight for your own family
This is your first priority

Why dont you send your mother some money directly each month ?
Even if it a small amount or to your younger sister

It seemed strange that your father did not say what the money was for

I am a strong believer that people should "cut their cloth according" to their income

You could try posting this in the money section & see if anyone offers more suggestions