Tell me not all men are like this tw*t. I've got so much to learn

[newtoday0000]

Quite new to this but have been reading lots of good advice on hereand now hoping someone can send me some. Dh of 10years left myself and young children one day and never came back. Never has shown any sign of regret. I was devastated. Had a couple of flings that resulted in making me feel even lower about myself. So I was single for over a year when I met a man at a mutual friends get together. Wasnt my type at all but he pursued me and ended up dating him. Quickly found out we had loads in common ( going through a horrible separation, same background, interests and sense of humour). Everyone who knows him raved about him. What a lovely man he is, runs a successful business, straight down the line, tells it like it is and has been hurt himself and would never treat me badly. I felt that I was lucky to have met such a person at last and maybe the stars were at last shining down. I still played it cool, never put pressure on or tried to move too fast.

Went on for a good few months but then gradually started to tail off from his side. He actually did have a lot of changes happening. Had my own life, got on with things. Should have sacked him off at this point looking back but thought maybe dating was different now than back in my day! Asked him if i should leave him to it for a while till things were sorted. He says no and is keen to carry on. Just loads going on at the moment. Ok then. But over the past few months this gradually got worse until all communication very nearly ceased. Tried to get him to be honest if there was a problem but was told everything was ok and when things calmed down he would have his time back. Tried ringing but couldn't get through so I text him whilst it was on my mind to say I don't care how busy he is, I want to know where I stand now. Text me back saying that actually he's not been interested in me for ages, didn't know how to say it, the thought of getting serious is completely out of bounds and he wants to be a singleton actually. I didn't honour a response. He didn't even have the decency to ring in person. Im so upset as I've been led along for ages and feel such a fool. I never hassled him for attention, had my own life and have already coped with enough shit to be able to handle being told I'm not wanted. What a shite and what a coward.

So where do I go from here? I'm in danger of becoming a bitter person and feel like Im always going to be on my own. All men appear to be the same. To try and make myself understand things I've come to the following 3 conclusions. Please correct me if I'm wrong here:

1
Trust your instincts and don't let others opinions cloud your judgement. Just because everyone builds a person up to be on a par with God himself, this doesn't mean you should believe it. I doubted myself and thought surely a man so well respected would be honest with me. If it looks like shit, smells like shit, then indeed my friend, it IS shit.

Going through a messy divorce, busy life, children to care for all no excuse for not being in contact. Things have NOT changed since I last dated in the Stone Age. If a man wants to see you he will see you. End of.

Looking after your appearance, being self sufficient, the ability to hold a conversation and being a generally nice person will not make a man like or respect you any more.

So are there any other pieces of advice or things I should be aware of, moving forwards? Tried to make light of things but I feel really deflated.

I think your three conclusions are spot on, with number being the most important - trust yourself. I think women, in particular, are taught to constantly second guess ourselves and say "Oh but I don't want to be rude" or "Maybe I'm being unreasonable". You have this guy taking the piss and you knew instinctively he wasn't telling the truth, but instead of you saying "You know what, this isn't working for me", you somehow felt that you HAD to stick with it until he told you the truth.

So maybe lesson 4 should be, you don't have to stick seeing someone if you think they're lying or misleading you, or anything. You can stop seeing someone because you don't like the colour of their car. You don't "owe" people a "good reason".

By the way I read this sentence:
If it looks like shit, smells like shit, then indeed my friend, it IS shit.
in the voice of Simon Pegg, and it made me

What a cowardly way to finish it. I'm not surprised you're hurt.

I can't say they're not all the same as I haven't found a good one yet.

I think the key thing is what you said yourself, you should have finished it earlier when he first started messing you around. If you have to ask where you stand, well, you probably know the answer.

What an absolute ar5ehole - excuse my language

A lot of men are cowards when it comes to ending a relationship. My ex dumped me with a note through the door after telling me he loved me the day before. We had been together 4 years! Anyway now with someone utterly lovely and seemingly emotionally mature so let's hope not all men are idiots. We can dream!!

Your instincts are sound, you were just confused by third parties extolling his virtues. He is operating on a totally different level OP. You know, somewhere dark and nasty that scavengers inhabit on the ocean floor. Meanwhile you are free of him and all set to swim with dolphins metaphorically speaking. Because not all men are like him or your exH.

What a shit and coward. Bear in mind, whether male or female, if a person wants to see you no matter what is going on their life, they keep in touch, somehow.

Just focus on the fact that deep down you knew he wasn't behaving well enough , so your instincts are good, you just have to act on them... Something that I was never good at either. It's true that someone genuine will go the extra mile and it will be easy. Don't let one badly mannered man tar your judgement or spoil your future relationships. Don't give him another thought.

Thanks for all your kind replies. They are helping. I've just got so much rubbish going on I feel like I must have been really bad in a past life! Just going one day at a time. But the one thing I have realised today is that the actual event of getting dumped is in a way easier to handle than the constant thought if it. I was always preoccupied and obsessively checking my phone just in case I'd be graced with a message. I no longer have to explain everything to friends when they ask how we're getting on and if we've seen much of each other. Looking back I was constantly anxious. I might be sad and very upset but I feel a lot lighter if that makes sense. The bastard just wanted me to do his dirty work and make me dump him but having developed a fear of failure and yet again admitting that I wasnt wanted, I buried my head and let it go on. I have certainly learned a lot lately and my eyes have been opened.

It's not that you're not wanted its that not everyone you meet is the right fit that goes for him and his point of view too. It's a numbers game so please dont take it personally ,everyone you meet cannot statistically be 'the one' . It's a learning curve for sure