So... I left him

[Boomerwang]

Hi guys. Last July I posted this thread and I finally left him this February. I'm stuck in a scabby little flat a few paces down the road, but at least I have control of my finances now. I also posted another thread about my ex's abuse of drugs and using nappy money to buy them, so that doesn't happen in my home any more. We're currently 'friendly' towards one another and we share our daughter 50/50.

The part I want to hear about from others is whether it's normal to feel grief? I actually have similar feelings to when my last boyfriend died, like a hole inside me and a sense of loss. I miss how things used to be when we first got together, and now I find my ex attractive again. I do not want to get back together with him, but I know he's seeing another woman and it hurts whenever her name is mentioned. I feel like I drew the short straw as he got to keep the house, get a new girlfriend and has his family around the corner. I'm in a flat, single and my family are hundreds of miles away.

The other interesting difference is now my libido has shot back up, yet I have nobody so it's frustrating and actually breaking into my concentration at random times.

What was it like for other people?

Oh yes to the grief. When I split with abusive exh I felt so deeply sad. I think it was grief for many things - for the lovely fairytale life that I thought we'd be living, for the stable family life for my dcs, for the love that we'd had for each other in the early days. What a huge sense of loss.

And even more so when you see the ex living what looks like the life of your dreams. But of course he is not - he continues to be the same difficult person as he was before, he will probably continue with the same problems, and much of what you see is an illusion.

I found out that I was much better with my certainty (even though at first sight it appeared to be less good) than I ever was with the fragile illusions and broken dreams.

Take some time to be kind to yourself in this grief - try and eat well, sleep well, find a place like a park where you can enjoy the spring flowers, but your self small treats - a new nail polish, and nice bunch of daffs - nothing that costs a lot of money. Give yourself all the love and care you deserve. And your sadness will soften, and you will emerge with more stable finances, more personal resilience, and ready to face the future.

Thanks for your response and that's a lovely idea. I was brought up never to treat myself because it was deemed 'piggy' if it involved food or 'spoilt' for anything else. It's never occurred to me to do anything like that. I only really eat out of boredom and that doesn't help my expanded waistline any.

I grieve for the life I wanted to have, the one my parents wanted for me. They certainly hadn't wanted to see me living in a foreign country alone as a single parent living on benefits. That's an embarrassment for them. It's all my own fault as I threw caution to the wind when I came here. I'd had enough of analysing everything previously so this time I just got a flight and moved in with my boyfriend... who turned out to have rather important secrets to share several months down the line... when I was already pregnant... how stupid of me.

I want to move back to the UK, but I'm not doing it without my daughter and I don't want my daughter to be without her father so I'm sucking it up for her sake. I don't resent her for it, her life is only just beginning and I've had mine, but I do despair at what on earth I'm supposed to do with myself here.

Have you ever talked to your ex about the possibility of you moving back? Yes it would be good to keep contact, but perhaps longer visits less often would work? I am not sure whether that would be practical for you both though (haven't read your other thread)

Regarding the grief, I think it's totally normal after ending any relationship. You are grieving for what you wanted it to be. As time passes, the grief will lessen. I know that's not a lot of help right now, sorry :(

Oh yes, grief is totally normal. Something ended -- your relationship, a certain familiarity that you were used to. And something did die: your hopes and dreams of him being a better man, and of you having a happier life together.

You are perfectly entitled to grieve, even if it was not a good or happy relationship for you to be in.

The grief is definitely going down. He shouted and swore at me yesterday in front of all of his family at an Easter dinner I'd been invited to at their home. It was a row about our daughter eating sweets just because it was Easter. He called me a hypocrite because I gave her chocolate earlier. He's right, but I've been saying 'no sweets' for over a year and I'm still being ignored. The issue could be 'no hello kitty clothes' and his family will still decide to go with my ex's decisions over mine. He got me so incensed I had to remove my daughter and go home, both of us crying.

I still have so much left to do in my flat that it looks as though I'll have to invest in a drill rather than rely on my ex to come round and fix up the things he promised he'd do for me, one of the conditions of me moving out instead of him. I don't know what possessed me to buy a second hand strip light for the kitchen, there's nothing in the ceiling to attach it to!

Hello Boom

He is your ex

Why would you want your ex in your house at all or to do DIY jobs ?
Find a new friend to do DIY or pay someone to do it !
EX for a reason

I would suggest Not relying on him for anything (emotionally or physically)

Just share the upbringing of your child

If you feel the need, move back to where your family is

Good luck

Why don't you move back to be near your family? Not saying you should, just wondering if you'd given it some serious consideration. You seem to have some mixed up thoughts about appropriate boundaries with your ex.

You need to totally minimise the amount of your life this bloke takes up OP. Until he is a speck in your life, you won't even start to sort things out. You are on the internet. How to do every thing is on the internet including how to put up a strip light. Get him minimised as soon as possible.

The grief will go -your mouring the relationship you should have had the actual one you did have.

I had a massive pain actually like heart break and he was an utter cunt that I left.

Try and spend as least amount of time together. You maybe in a phase where you both are actually still very much connected together and il an easily get bavk with each other if he suddenly makes a 'change' (which NEVER lasts) or you feel lonely.

Get a drill

and a rabbit ahem

Hello and thanks for your responses. I don't believe my ex would sign the necessary forms releasing my daughter from this country.

I can see the sense in minimizing contact, and the grief has all but gone. I'm sure I'll get moments in the future, but he's making it easier to forget about him by being the man I left.

I've done something rather dramatic so I don't know what the next stage will be as yet.