Sabbotaging self-happiness and self-worth

[yournailvarnish]

Background: I am in my late twenties. I used to have very bad anxiety as a teen/early twenties, but in recent years this has somewhat diminished, though still present at times. I have a DP of 3 years, and we have the potential to have a happy life together - we have a decent income between us, and despite a difficult MIL, it's nowhere near as bad as some stories on here, and our families get on/are civil as much as can be expected. We have good job prospects and both enjoy our careers. We don't own a home yet, but are on the way to saving for one and are almost at the point of being in a position to buy. I have some brilliant friends who I can call on when I need a chat. What I am trying to say, is that we have the basis for happiness.

The only thing I can think of that is possibly more stressful than other people's lives, is the fact that my DP's job can be quite unpredictable. This makes things hard to plan and I am often left feeling like life is quite stressful - constant re-arranging, airport lifts, pickups, late nights, time zone differences, cancelled and re-arranged days out and ultimately not much 'certainty' in what we do as a couple. This may sound like a minor issue, but when it happens at least every 2 weeks, if not every week, then it becomes draining. This is the only thing I can think of that is making me feel an undercurrent of anxiety and being on edge.

My current situation that I am seeking a bit of MN support and advice on, is why I am unable to actually be happy. For instance, when something happy/positive/fun is about to come up, ie a party, a dinner out, the theatre, etc etc, I seem to self-sabbotage. I actually pick a fight with DP and can feel myself looking for a problem, though I don't actually want a problem. It's such an out of control, horrible feeling. By way of example, last weekend we had arranged to go away for the weekend. DP had booked a lovely hotel and a fantastic restaurant. I felt increasingly stressed about this in the lead up to it, and we ended up arguing all night (courtesy of me), and I had a terrible time and ruined it for myself as well as DP. I feel scared to just let go and enjoy myself, but when the time is ruined, I also hate myself and feel worthless...like a vicious circle.

For a long time I have had the mindset that happiness is earned. This started at university and would be a pattern in my head of buring myself out until the end of the semester and then having a fantastic time afterwards....though the fantastic part just never seemed to happen. On holidays it will tak me at least 4/5 days to actually enjoy it, by which point we will be leaving. I feel guilty for being happy and then feel guilty for ruining happy times, (both on my DP's part and also because I know there are so many less fortunate people out there who can't even begin to think about having the days out/experiences that are open to me). I feel that if I don't balance out happiness with hurt/negativity, then something bad will happen unexpectadly. I feel so messed up and unhappy. My worst fear would be counting down to an event..I've seen this done on social media and it makes me feel a bit sick and anxious...to me that is like tempting fate!! Similarly, I find it very hard to look at a calender and make firm plans. I hate that I am like this because in my head I appreciate what I have in my life so so much and I love making the most of life and seeing new things, yet I just can't seem to allow myself to enjoy it.

I have tried everything - CBT, counselling etc and nothing seems to work. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

My best friend is like you. I absolutely dread her birthday, because she will turn it into such a high-stakes thing that there will inevitably be a relationship breakup or a major psychological meltdown. I love her to bits, but I wish she didn't have to do it to herself.

In her case, it is a pattern of learnt behaviour from when she was a small girl. Her parents are lovely, but they are quite brusque and didn't give her much physical affection. They were also members of a religion that didn't celebrate birthdays or Christmasses, so she drew up without these occasions in her life. You can see why occasions might be a source of anxiety for her later on.

I think she also genuinely feels that she doesn't really 'deserve' to be happy at some level, so she will pre-empt what she feels life might throw at her by turning an occasion sour quite deliberately, so that she retains control. I wonder if there is some early experience for you, where something was taken away from you that you really, really wanted, and that it's set a pattern?

Even if there isn't, this is a habit, a learnt behaviour, a pattern of thought that you follow. And so it is also unlearnable. But that process of unlearning is quite difficult: you are programmed to follow a 'groove' and unprogramming yourself will take a lot of effort and vigilance. But you can do it! And you do, very much, deserve to be happy. The fact that you're self-aware enough to realise that you are doing this to yourself, and that it's not something inflicted on you from the outside is a huge step (my friend hasn't got that far yet!).

I also think the lack of predictability in your DP's job is likely to be exacerbating this problem for you. And this is a bit of a balance. There will always be things in life that you can't control, and if you try to clamp down and exclude them, it becomes unhealthy. You have to retain the ability and confidence to deal with whatever life chucks at you, and that may include some demands from work. However, there are ways in which you can invite more uncertainty into your life, and it sounds as though your DP may be doing this, and introducing more chaos than is really necessary. I would speak to him about the ways in which you're struggling and explain that this is a really bad trigger for you and that if he can minimise the alterations, it would really help. It's reasonable to ask that he doesn't change agreed schedules unless it's really necessary for a bit - but it's not reasonable to ask that he never changes anything, since much of it may be beyond his control!

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, it must be very tiring and draining for you.

Can you remember when you started having this reaction to events? I'm wondering if something happened when you were younger that you had been really looking forward to - a family holiday perhaps, or a birthday party - and then something horrible happened to sabotage it?

I feel that if I don't balance out happiness with hurt/negativity, then something bad will happen unexpectadly.

This is striking, but I don't think it's uncommon. It is very illogical "magical" thinking - the idea that you have the power to influence events purely by saying or thinking the wrong thing.

When you had your CBT, what "homework" did the therapist have you do? Unfortunately I think there are a lot of people offering CBT who are not really very practised or experienced in this discipline.

It does sound like you need professional help.

I'm sure there is a name to what you are doing but I don't know it!

As a side note: your behaviour is not very nice or fair on your DP. He is putting up with A lot.

Maybe see a psychotherapist.

Yep, I do this. I'm still waiting for my counselling, there's a long waitng list.

For me, it's all about not feeling deserving of happiness so the better things are, the worse I feel about it.

I'm hoping the counselling will help with that as I know why I forever feel undeserving, I just need to find a way to confront that.

Good luck will finding your answers

You have my sympathies, OP. This is something I've done all my adult life, and still do. It's exhausting. I think shovetheholly is spot on that your DP's job is unsettling you, that must be really hard. I get destabilised over the tiniest changes to mine and DP's plans and I find that it makes it hard to look forward to even small things sometimes. E.G - if he's working late and says he'll come over afterwards (we're not currently living together but will be in a couple of months), and he ends up being too tired to come round, it kind of triggers me off. I've told him I prefer it if he's a bit more noncommittal over whether he's coming or not - then I don't get quite so upset if he doesn't! But it's hard.
I'd already been diagnosed with a MH issue when we got together and he knew about it before we started dating, which has helped massively as he's learning to spot my self-defeating/masochistic behaviours for what they are. And we talk a lot about why I have them in the first place, what's triggered them off etc. It might help to get a second/third opinion from the docs - I'm not saying there's anything more sinister going on in your head, but there's more stuff out there than just CBT - it could be there's something that would be a better fit for you, maybe.
In terms of getting through the "happy" occasions that are actually causing you quite the reverse, try not to pressure yourself into thinking "I must have a good time!". I have learnt over the years to accept that whatever I'm feeling at the time...well, that's what I'm feeling. And sometimes for the sake of my DP/friends/family who may happen to be there, the brave face comes out. And I make my targets for the night smaller and more achievable, i.e. rather than "Have an amazing time!", it'll be more like "Just try and turn up in the first place! Just get through it!" etc. It's not ideal, I won't lie! I'm still trying to find long-term solutions for myself, but there are tools and techniques that can help get you through in the short term. (There's also meds, which REALLY helped me, but not everyone wants to go down that route, which is fair enough.)
Can you talk to your DP about all of this kind of thing? Will he be understanding?
I think you could definitely benefit from more help and support from professionals in the field though OP, from the way your post reads. Please PM me if you want any recommendations - I have ended up becoming a bit of an armchair expert in this particular area over the last couple of years.
All the best.