Childhood abuse not as hidden as I'd thought

[PeppermintCrayon]

I think this is partly a 'just need to get this out' post, not sure.

The back story: my parents were abusive, in a variety of ways. My childhood was fucking miserable but I thought I had nothing to complain about because my dad said I was ungrateful and my mum said I was getting at them and I believed them. I ended up homeless in my teens and then spent years in an abusive relationship. I then went through a phase of pretending everything was okay with my family, somehow forgot all the bad stuff and convinced myself I had failed to accept my parents because there was something wrong with me. That worked. Until I had a breakdown. I am now no-contact with my entire birth family and much happier for it.

The problem: I used to think any issues were either all in my head, or hidden behind closed doors. Until I started telling people I was NC and learned that actually it wasn't all behind closed doors. Because nobody was surprised. Nobody asked why or protested about how nice my parents were. Instead they said things like: "Oh right, that makes sense." One childhood friend told me nobody would be surprised to hear I've gone NC, and that her parents always thought there was something off about my parents, and that, well, obviously my dad was always horrible to me practically from the second I was born (which I thought nobody had noticed). Another said her mum had always said she wished she could adopt me.

WTF, basically. I have gone from thinking I'm the only one who sees the truth to feeling like I am in fact one of the last people to wake up to the truth. But I don't know how much everyone else knows and it is just completely fucking with my head. I was sexually abused by my dad (as well as emotionally abused and neglected materially and emotionally by both parents, plus occasional threats of or actual violence and violent behaviour) and now I'm wondering if other people noticed signs of this, perhaps without realising what they were, but am afraid to ask. I don't know if I'm more afraid that a) they didn't notice and they won't believe me or b) it will turn out they did notice, or suspect, but did nothing. I have no idea how I would go about asking; I don't know that I want to disclose but I wish I knew what they knew. Not knowing is driving me a bit barmy. But it's not something I can really ask.

Sorry for the long post. I have no idea what I'm even asking here. I just feel confused I guess.

It must be nice to have it validated somewhat. Especially if you spent a long time thinking that it wasn't outwardly visible.

Maybe because you have this new information- and you know that your situation has been discussed by other people- you are getting the totally natural itch to pontificate and explore this 'new' information further.

Unless you have a close relationship with any of these people I probably wouldn't do it. But if you go to therapy it's definitely something to discuss there.

A) The happiness that somebody else noticed your predicament
B) The sadness that nothing came of others noticing

Thanks for the reply. I am in therapy. And to be honest the validation doesnt feel nice and I'm not happy about it. It has come as a great shock that it wasn't invisible but just treated as if it was. Like it didn't matter,

I know people intervened less back then but it is still pretty shitty to realise.

I think times have changed for the better but I agree that it is a desperately sad situation.

Unfortunately, if you did decide to take it further with these people then the logical result is that they will feel even more guilt that they already do.

I don't think that really helps anyone.

How is your life at the moment? If its fine and its just this new revolution that's knocked you for six then id lay it to rest. (Personal opinion so don't worry if you feel otherwise.)

It's gradually becoming more fine, but still fightinh off a lot of demons.

Also, I'm not trying to make anyone feel guilty, but if they do I'm not sure its my responsibility.

That sounds really snippy sorry it's just I'm so weary of feeling like I have to protect other people's feelings.

Of course it isn't your responsibility if other people feel guilty for the lack of action on their part.
I wouldn't explore these issues with anyone beyond your therapist but if you think it might be helpful then it could be worth trying.

Yeah, I have had revelations like this, Peppermint, and it's infuriating. I remember several teachers sort of looking at me sharply because I was trying to tell them, through poems and stories, what my dad was doing to me. But they didn't ever bother asking, until finally in my last year of school my English teacher in that year said "did this really happen to you?" God bless him.

I look back now and think why the fuck didn't anybody else say anything?

There was one teacher or rather head of year who did actually call me into her office after he first started abusing me. She said "you seem to be really withdrawn compared to when you started here a couple of months ago. is something wrong?" at that time I wasn't ready to tell anything and I just said I was fine but my parents were getting divorced.

Now I look back and I think that lady noticed a huge difference in my behaviour from knowing me 2 months. My own mum knew me 11 years and claims to have not noticed anything. It makes me so fucking angry.

Can I ask how old you are,Peppermint? I'm not excusing anyone but attitudes have changed a great deal over the years.
I was a child of physical abuse ( in the 50s) and nobody took a blind bit of notice of my bruising.

pocketsaviour your post just struck a chord with me as my year head also asked why I was withdrawn but when I didn't answer he didn't push it - he twigged that something was up but unfortunately well meaningly told other teachers to get off my back so everyone just kind of left me to it.

My mum knew and chose not to know, I think.

finger I'm sorry to hear that. I was a child of the 80s and 90s.

It's odd isn't it. You can't blame random individuals with their own problems for not wanting to get too involved in yours, but you wish they had! I was another 80s 90s child. People nowadays have a far better idea of what they can do and there are far more official social channels, so more avenues available for those who might want to help. Trouble is with all public sector funding drying up they might go again.

I had one alert teacher at school who knew damn well from my behaviour (bloody weird looking back) that something was going on at my home, and was obviously worried. But since it was more emotional abuse than anything I thought I was just being, all the dismissive things parents throw at you in that situation. By the time it started crossing into violence she'd got frustrated with my inability to respond, which of course had a reinforcing effect on me. Also she had a habit of asking me what was happening in class, as if anyone would confess to problems in front of a whole class full of kids whom I didn't get on with anyway. Funnily enough I now regret that inability to respond to her more than I do my non-relationship with parents, I obviously gave up on them at a young age.

I also wonder now whether the friendly neighbour who was gave me one of my babysitting jobs (I did that to get out of the house as much as anything else) and mentioned her help of relatives running away from parents was trying to tell me something. Surely the continuous shouting and breaking noises from our house would have been noticed in a terraced housing estate.